I Suck at life!

For someone like myself who works so hard to keep ppositive thinking on the top of my life, and who spends so much time reading positive and motivational material and quotes on an ongoing basis, I know "I Suck at Life" is not exactly the most positive or motivational title for today's blog. But as much as I believe in being positive and motivational, I also believe in being a realist and the reality is, there are going to be times when life gets you down and today is one of those days.

I haven't written in over a month and I don't have the greatest news to report on my weight loss success. Some how I am still struggling. I guess I could really blame it on a decrease in my commitment because if I am really being honest with myself, that is exactly the problem. Some how, back in late May, I lost my motivation and my "Onfireness" if that is a word, which it's not, but I just used it in a sentence, so now it is.

I know full well that the only way for me to do this and really be successful is to work hard, stay motivated, renew my commitment every single day, have no excuses, work hard, exercise, eat healthy 90% of the time and get to curves at least 3 days a week.

I have some of it down, but I have not been working to consciously renew my commitment every morning. I think I have to write something down and keep it by my bed so I can read it every morning when I wake and remind myself all the reasons why I want to and have to do this. There are no excuses. I don't believe in deprivation because I think when you deprive yourself of the things you love in life, you are just setting yourself up for failure, but I have been allowing myself a little too much indulgence lately. I have been making too many excuses. I am feeling stressed about so many things and I know that I need to work to manage that better.

The one good thing that I have been doing it going to curves at least 3 mornings a week. Although, this week I only made it there twice and the hard part is, they have decided to close on Saturday's for the summer and they are never open on Sunday and so this makes it a little more difficult. But either way, I need to commit to do this and I have to stop making excuses. I am not going to sit here and recite everything that is going on in my life that is making me feel stressed or bad or anything else because it really doesn't matter. Those would just be excuses anyway and making excuses never gets you anywhere. I just need to focus, renew my commitment and just do it.

I felt very disheartened this morning when I got on the scale and I was up 1.5 pounds from last week. Then I looked at my weight loss excel sheet and I felt even worse. If I had just done right by myself and just worked hard to lose 1.6 pounds a week, today I would have been 309 pounds instead of my current weight today which is back up to 328. Very discouraging. I realize too that my weeks have been drastic in either direction. For example, looking at my weight loss chart, one week I lose 8 or 4 or 6, then next week I gain 4 then I lose 2 gain 2 lost 4. It's like I'm REALLY committed one week and the next week I am REALLY uncommitted.

I try to talk to myself and just say, "Be committed, but don't be an over achiever and don't be an underachiever, because neither one is working for me." Although I set my goal at 1.6 pounds a week, I kept thinking that I really wanted to push to lose more than that each week because that loss was too slow. But it's kind of like the story of the Turtle and the Hair. The hair RAN ahead fast, but then got tired and took a nap. He kept doing that, thinking he was getting ahead of the turtle because of how fast he ran in between all his napping. The turtle on the other hand just took it slow, but he never stopped. He just took it at an even pace and as we all know the story, the Turtle won the race, ending with the message, slow and steady wins the race. Well, looking at my weight loss log, which I have posted a portion of it here as a picture, I can truly relate to the moral of that story. My big weight loss one week combined with a small gain (Or not so small in some cases) has resulted in me not really getting anywhere. But if I had just worked consistently to lose 1.6 pounds a week, today I would have been 309, which is 19 pounds less than I am today.

A frustrating lesson for me to learn today, but a very impactual lesson for sure! So, I end my blog today promising myself that I will no longer try to lose 5 pounds a week, because even though I never admitted that was what I was doing....that was what I was doing. I will commit to just trying to eat healthy and in moderation, get to curves 3 days a week and work to lose 1.6 pounds a week. I will also renew my commitment to myself every morning as to remind myself as to why it's important for me to work hard TODAY to achieve my tomorrow goals!

I am frustrated, right now I do feel like I suck at life, or at least this weight loss thing, but I am still not giving up. I slipped, but now I am regaining my footing, standing back up and trying again until I get it right.

I WILL NEVER GIVE UP! I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that I can be succesful in this weight loss struggle. I started out at 347 pounds. Today I am 328 pounds. That is still a 20 pound weight loss and I have to allow that to keep me motivated. It wasn't that hard to lose those 20 pounds, so I know I can do it again, and again and again and again....As many times as I need to. I can do this! I know I can!

Still Struggling!

I am working to hard to try to get back on track. I am not completely off track, but I am not having as easy a time as I did over the last 3 months. I did have a rough weekend. During the week, I am having an ok time, but on the weekend, I seem to be allowing myself more freedom than I should.

I am not feeling good. I have a lot of stress at work, I just launched my own company, which although exciting, is also very stressful, and just the usual stress of owning and keeping a home. I feel overwhelmed by life a bit and that is causing me to want to eat. I am also extremely tired and fatigued. I am about to make a Doctors appointment because I am nervous about my fatigue since I had mono about years back and I was told I had Chronic Fatigue syndrome. I need to get well because I know while I am feeling like this, I don't want to exercise and without that I won't be as successful at meeting my weight loss goals. I just need to do this already.

Today, my head was so full of so many things, I was thinking I need to start meditation. I was thinking that I don't ever give my mind time to rest. I am constantly thinking about something whether it's work or my new company that I started.

Which, by the way, if you are reading this and you have kids, I have this really cool new product out called Krypto Gear. It's secret messages coded with special symbols on a silicon band like the kids love to wear and they pick out a band to give to their friend. Their friend goes to my website to decode their message. It's really cool. Check out my site.....www.Kryptogear.com. I have gotten such great feedback and all the kids have been loving it. I even get high school and college kids and adults ordering Krypto Gear now too, it's too cool!


And as exciting as all this is, It is also incredibly energy draining. So, I really just need to get to the doctor and do whatever it is I need to do in order to get myself back on track. I know I can do it. It's just a matter of time and getting my act together. I need to meditate once again to clear my head. I think that will help.
I will report on my progress with that and let you know if it helps at all.

I DID IT!!!!!

So, yesterday I blogged about this overwhelming drive and a craving to eat something on the way home from work. When I thought about what I had to eat at home, I wasn't interested. All I could think about was some type of fast food or going to a restaurant to get some yummy there. For 3 months I have worked so hard and I wasn't having any cravings like that, I almost felt like a drug addict looking for my fix. I just couldn't identify what brought this feeling on and this morning, I still don't know where that drive comes from.

But what I do know is that I just focused on driving home. It helped that I didn't have my debit card with me, although I did have a credit card, but because I only use credit cards in the case of an emergency, I was able to resist using it to get food. It was hard and so many times I almost drove into the numerous places to eat on the way home and broke my Credit Card usage rule, but I was able to stay strong.

The whole way home, I just kept thinking of all the hard work I have put in to lost 25 pounds and kept thinking that I didn't want to put it all back on and I had so much more to go. I just thought of all the things I am "Going to Get" when I thin. All the things I will get back in my life if I can lose this weight. I will get back all the things I gave up over 10 years ago to eat and overindulge on food that has brought me nothing but pain and heartache, insecurity and so many other negative things.

I came right home from work and I grilled turkey burgers and corn on BBQ grill. I had some guacamole on my burger and it tasted so great! I had asparagus too!
So, I DID IT!!! I over came my strong urge and drive to eat bad, which in the past I have had a really hard time fighting. I usually give in. I feel so proud of myself this morning and that makes me want to be so victorious today! That gives me the strength and the drive to eat healthy today!

I was just watching the news and they had a little clip about people who have weird eating habits. This one woman has only eaten potatoes and cheese for the last 30 years. Of course, she was very over weight and they show footage of her eating her potatoes and cheese, or french fries and cheese and she talked about the fact that she doesn't eat in front of other people. Well, she was really heavy and I looked at her and thought, how bad people look when they are at that weight. And it reminded me of the negative attitude people have towards fat people. I don't want people looking at me like that. I have pride in who I am, but when I look in the mirror, it's hard to be proud of that! I want people to think good of me, not look at me and say, "Look how fat she is." Now, I am not doing this because of what other people think. I am doing this for me! But I would be lying if others people's opinions didn't matter a little bit.

Anyway, I feel like I am back on track. Last night was tough, but I got through it!
I feel good starting my Friday and looking forward to an active weekend! Can't wait to swim in the pool!

Life is good! SO, today I choose ME!! And I choose to eat yummy, healthy food!

Everything I do is by choice. What did you choose today? - Louise L. Hay

Trying to Tame the Beast!

So, I am having an experience right at this moment that I need to blog about. This very feeling that I have going on inside me right now is the very thing that I have tried to study in myself, have tried to figure out exactly what it is and where it comes from.

As I wrote in my last blog, after about 3 months of success and being able to take of 25 pounds without struggling much at all, I have been struggling for the last 2 weeks. Right now I feel this strong desire, almost a NEED, to eat. I am so hungry right now but instead of craving all the good food I have at home, there is the feeling, almost like a instinctive DRIVE that is making me feel like the only thing that will satisfy me is food from any place other than my house. I can't say that I am craving a certain item, but rather I have this feeling of just want to wrap my arms around and indulge in some kind of food maybe for comfort. Right now, I am feeling a desperate, almost panic feeling and in my mind the only thing that will ease it will be food from a restaurant or fast food place.

I can almost feel a heat or energy coming from the center of my chest. I know that I am fiending for something and I can almost imagine that this is exactly the way a drug addict feels when they need a fix. I have never been a drug addict so I don't know, but I definitely know that this feeling I am feeling right now can only be described as a desperate need. In my head, I am imagining myself desperately driving in the car to get something to eat and then I get the mental picture of sitting there eating it and taking a big sigh of relief and feeling a weight lifted off my shoulders. It's really sick, I know and I don't know what has brought this on.

For a straight 3 months, I was doing so well. I didn't have one time were I felt this drive to need to eat. I was so excited about all my healthy food and was enjoying it so much. I pass two McDonald's and other fast food places on the way home and for 3 months, I didn't even think of those places. I didn't even notice them on my way to and from work. But today, in my mind, I am plotting the location of every single possible place where I can stop. And it wouldn't be a light meal, I am definitely feeling like I want to binge.

But why? What has shifted? Why was I feeling so in control and now I am feeling so out of control? I am trying to pinpoint what is going on in my mind and in my life that would bring on this feeling, this need? It's scary how out of control I feel right now. The only saving grace I have for myself right now is I don't have my debit card with me. I left it home. I guess that is good thing. I just hope when I get home that I can just eat what's home and not be tempted to go out again to get something.

It's a struggle, but I know I can over come this. If it was easy, no one would be fat. Everyone would be skinny. I need to succeed. I just can't stand who I am anymore!

So, I pray, God, please give me strength. Please help me to get through this and stay strong until this feeling passes. Please let me get home and make a nice, healthy dinner for myself that I do enjoy. Please give me the strength to become the person I desperately want to be and take away this curse from me. Amen!

I think some of it might be stressed. I started this new business, Krypto Gear. wwww.kkryptogear.com and I am feeling a little stressed over this, but I can't use that as an excuse to eat. But I have to work harder to try to figure out where this feeling comes from. IT's very frustrating and disheartening! But I know I will get through this! I have to! I don't have a choice!

Remembering the WHY!!!

A while back I wrote a blog on the "WHY" of losing weight. Basically, it was all about the need for me to have a strong reason for why I want to lose weight, and to keep that "why" close to me in order to continue to be motivated and to continue to make decisions on what I am putting in my mouth through out each day. I think the slight "slip" that I had over the last 2 weeks is strongly contributed to not keeping my "Whys" close enough in sight. I think I was so wrapped up in just living my life and running on auto-pilot, I allowed myself to forget all the reasons WHY I want to and need to lose weight.

And everyday, I am finding more "Whys" to add to my list. Of course there are more than just one reason for me to want to and need to lose weight. So, today, the "Why" that I am adding on my list is "To avoid having to have weight loss surgery." Of course, no one HAS to have it, it is a choice, but what I am learning is that more and more people are seeing it as necessity instead of an option. That is very scary to me, as anyone who follows me knows that I do not believe in weight loss surgery. I do have exceptions to this belief of course, for instance, for the person who is 500 plus pounds, or that person that is 800, 900 or even 1000 pounds. People who have gotten themselves in that situation where they are so large, they literally can not move. They are in a very delicate situation and because they probably can only move very little or not at all, it's hard to lose weight on diet alone, especially at that weight. In that situation, I could understand the need for Weight Loss Surgery to help get that person to a more healthy weight. I feel that when people are that big, there is a big risk of death anytime, so anything they can do for themselves to get that weight off is so important.

But here is where I draw the line. Today I was speaking with a friend, whom I have know literally my entire life. She was my neighbor and she was 4 when I was born and we grew up hanging out and through the years have stayed in touch intermittently. Since joining facebook 3 years ago, we have stayed in very close tough.

Today, we spoke and she told me that she was considering having weight loss surgery. I was very shocked to hear it because although she struggled with her weight her whole life, she kept herself at a healthy weight. Since I hadn't seen her in a while, I asked her if she thought she was very overweight. I have seen pictures of her on Facebook, and although it looks like she has gained some weight, I didn't think that she looked like she was at a weight that be such a hopeless situation that she would need weight loss surgery.

She said she was at about 280. Ok, well, that is certainly not a good weight to be at, but certainly not a hopeless situation weight. In my opinion, I feel that people are looking for a magic cure instead of making the commitment and doing it right!

I think in the case of someone who has 150 pounds or less to lose, you can do that on yourself by eating right and exercising. And the question I didn't ask her was, how hard have you tried to lose weight? And when I say TRIED, I mean REALLY TRIED?? Probably not very hard. She said she never exercises, and actually she hates it. And from the looks of her son, who is 13 and is probably way over 250 pounds, she not only doesn't try for herself, but she doesn't try for her kids either!

I don't mean to pass judgment, but it just makes me sad. This friend of mine is going to lose weight because physically her body won't be able to hold a large amount of food at one time. She won't learn about herself, like what drives her to eat, is she an emotional eater, or does she just have bad habits. Does she know what's right, what's wrong, what's healthy, what's not, what quantities? Your not losing weight from behavior modification and learning about nutrition. You are losing weight because physically your body just can't handle the large amounts of food. But because of the type of tissue the stomach is made from, eventually it will stretch, because do you think that when she begins to feel full, she will stop eating immediately? No, of course she won't, because she doesn't do that now. It probably not a change that is even on her radar.

One of the things I have been doing on my journey is to be more in touch with how I feel while eating. I am more in touch with the signals my body is sending and how my stomach feels when I am satisfied instead of eating to the point of gorging myself. So, eventually her stomach will start to stretch and over time she will be able to eat more and more. And although she might have lost weight, she hasn't really made any behavoral changes. She will have all the same habits, she will have all the same struggles, and just like so many, she will put the weight back on.

That is why I am so against weight loss surgery. You don't learn to change yourself.....You don't learn behavior modification and you don't get to know yourself. You probably don't get a chance to go on this journey of self-discovery that I have been on and you don't get to become passionate about all the reasons you want to not just lose weight, but to make serious changes and a commitment to good health. Because I have learned it's not just about losing weight, it's about being healthy!

Anyway, after I talked to her today, it gave me so much motivation to keep going and to always remember my "WHYs" so I never forget what I want and need the outcome to be so I don't have another 2 weeks like the 2 I just had!

Getting it back!

I haven't written now in a couple of weeks, which is very bad because I need to write. I need to keep it in the forefront of my mind why I am doing this? I need to keep reminding myself why I need to and want to lose weight. I have so many great reasons and so much great motivation to keep me going. And I have been going great, but the last two weeks, I have begun to stall and that is bad.

I was so balanced. I was doing so good and feeling so great! I was eating right and enjoying everything that put into my mouth. I was allowing myself some treats that I enjoy and was able to do so without going overboard.

On the 20th of May, I left with some friends to ride our bikes down to Myrtle Beach for bike week. It was a great trip, but I reverted back to many of my old habits. I did not try to "watch what I was eating" for any meals. I used this trip as an EXCUSE to eat what I wanted when I wanted. I really didn't even try to make good choices, I don't know why. When I got back, surprisingly, I had lost 2 pounds from the week before.....Weird.

But the eating continued when I got home and it continued over Memorial day weekend. I kept saying, "It's memorial day weekend." I kept wanting to eat out. And when I got on the Scale Saturday morning, I had gained like 4 or 5 pounds! REALLT BAD!

BUT!!! I am not going to let that ruin me. I slipped, and all I have to do is pick myself up, dust the powered sugar from my shirt and start over without looking back at the train of wings, burgers, McDonalds, Donuts, Ice Cream, Chocolate, Pizza, and everything else that made it's way past my lips. I did it, it's over. Now, clean up and move on, and that is exactly what I am doing today, Tuesday May 31st!

I cooked my Turkey chili yesterday and I packed a healthy lunch. I have only gone to Curves 2 times since I rejoined and so I need to renew my commitment to my work out and to my healthy lifestyle. I need to remember why I so desperately need to and WANT to do this. I need to remember that it feels so much better to be eating healthy than eating crappy. I need to remember how bad I feel when I look at a picture of myself and how much I want that outer shell to dissolve so I can go back to being who I am and having that true self reflect on the outside for all to see!

I have to remember that when I went for my last series of blood tests, how lucky I was that everything was in normal range and how God has given me a second chance to get it right because next time I might not be so lucky!

I just need to keep going. I have lost weight and I can't allow myself to gain it all back. If I keep going and keep plugging, by this time next year, I could be 100 pounds thinner. That thought alone get's me so excited and motivates me to just keep going!

I need to make sure to blog, and for me, it's not about who is reading, although I love the thought of my blog helping others who are having the same struggles, but mostly for me, my blog is a way to release all my thoughts, Ideas, struggles and successes as a way to keep everything real. Sometimes when you hold things in, it's easy to pretend they aren't real. When I right, it makes it real. Seeing certain things in black and white makes it real for me and makes me want to be accountable for my actions!

Part of the reason I haven't been writing is because work has been so busy and hectic, I haven't made time to do it. And when I get home, I feel too tired and discouraged. It's no excuse, so that is why I am going to set 15-20 minutes aside each day to blog. There is never an excuse not to do something that is so important to you. If you say you don't have time, you simply are not trying hard enough and you are just looking for excuses to avoid doing what you know you should be. So, I am not going to make excuses, I am simply going to make sure that I MAKE time everyday to blog. That is it! end of story.

So, I am BACK and I will continue to be successful every step of the way. And we all sometimes stumble and fall, but what is most important is that we get up and keep on going. So, I stumbled, I feel, but now I have gotten up and I am running once again to the finish line! I may stumble again before I get there, and that is ok. As long as I get up and don't let myself stay down too long! It's all good! Life is GOOD!

I will leave you with a few quotes:

“The only difference between stumbling blocks and stepping-stones is the way you use them” ~ Unknown

“If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.” ~Mary Pickford

Resetting my Focus!

I am still struggling to get back on track after vacation. I try to look within myself and figure out why I am struggling so much? I was so enjoying all the good food I was eating before vacation. I was eating so many yummy, healthy things and as a result, I was feeling so great. I had so much energy, I was so motivated, I was feeling more confident in myself and I was excited about seeing the results of my healthy eating each week reflected on the scale. I remember thinking to myself, "This is easy, why did I ever struggle in the past. It feels so much better to eat healthy than it does to consume lot's of crappy foods."

Yet, here I am, 5 days after returning home and I am craving bad foods and struggling to stick to my healthy eating. And you know what? I feel like crap!!! I feel lethargic and tired and bloated. I have not been sleeping well. So, why can't I get it back together.

Now, I do want to clarify that I am not completely off the wagon. I am not on a binge, so I am looking at that as an accomplishment and as progress. I didn't even binge when I was in Florida. At times, I may not have made the best choices when going out to eat or eating a little more candy than I should have at my Mom's house, but nothing I did resembled binging and never once was I eating out of emotion. All the eating I did was strictly out of celebration related to being on vacation and being with my family. And I feel that my 4 pounds weight gain after being on vacation for 7 days wasn't all that bad. So, I feel pretty successful about not binge eating or doing any emotional eating, which has been my biggest struggle.

Over the last 5 days since I have been home, I have been mostly back to a healthy eating plan. But each day I have had small "slip ups", moments of weakness and I am trying to identify where those "moments" are stemming from.

For instance, on Monday, I ate a great breakfast, packed a super healthy lunch, but ate some chocolate that a co-worker keeps on her desk. I was struggling all day because I really wanted to go get Jimmy johns for lunch, but I resisted. But I was craving a hero so bad, I did end up stopping for one on the way home for dinner. So, I did it, I tried to move on. Then yesterday, the vending machine, which I never pay any attention to and haven't in the 2 years I work here, all of a sudden called out to me and I found myself, after eating once again a good breakfast and good lunch, selecting a cinnamon roll AND a small bag of vanilla creme cookies from the machine. I ate them, but felt disgusted about it the whole time. I didn't feel like I was eating out of emotion, but I did feel that I was eating out of addiction. Maybe sugar addiction from the candy I at near the end of my vacation week. It really does get into your blood, but I have to be strong and resist it so I can detox from the sugar.

Then last night for dinner, we had to go to Home Depot to pick up the materials for the new floor we are having installed on Monday and it was late by the time we got home, and I ended up suggesting Pizza for dinner. Maybe not the worst selection, but once I got there, I ordered a gigantic slice of stuffed meat pizza and ate the whole slice. Then I had to go to Walgreens to get cards and I ended up coming home with a box of drumsticks.....You know, those totally delicious, pre-packaged ice cream cones with the hard chocolate shell and the inch of solid chocolate at the very bottom of the cone? YUM! I mean, the sad part is, if I wanted that once in a while, it wouldn't be the worst thing, but the combination of everything was so bad. And the worst part was, Maggie had cooked up a a bunch of garlic marinated chicken breasts right after we got home from vacation and we went food shopping so all the right food that I actually really love is in there....So, why??? Why am I behaving badly? I don't want to eat bad, I don't want to feel tired and lethargic.

Then I realized, I have been totally focusing on food.....What to eat, what not to eat and while I was away I forgot the most important component of successful weight loss.......MOTIVATION! I know what to eat and how much of it to eat, but so many times I have talked about the fact that it isn't enough to be educated on what to eat and what not to eat and in what portions you should eat it....You can be completely and totally educated on what's right and wrong and still be unsuccessful. I know first hand because I am one of those people. But I always say that there are so many books out there that teach people how to lose weight. They educate people on how they should do it, what they should eat, how many times a day they should eat and in what portions to do it. They talk about the need to exercise to get healthy and aid in your weight loss efforts, but the one thing that so many of these books are missing is the WHY and WHAT??? Ok, I need to lose weight, I have all the tools, all the knowledge and everything I need, but WHY should I do it? Why should I change my habits? Why should I lose weight? WHAT do I need to do to keep my motivation to keep practicing these healthy eating habits? WHAT is in it for me?

It isn't enough to know the HOW. It isn't enough to have all the tools and resources. Along with that, almost more important than the HOW is the WHY and the WHAT!

Those are the two pieces of the puzzle I have completely ignored this week. I have been so focused on eating and trying to resist temptation and never once did I think about MY WHY and the WHAT!

So, forget about the food. Today, I am going to focus on 2 things: My WHY and my WHAT.

WHY do I need to and want to do this?
WHAT is in it for me? WHAT will I get?

WHY: So, I can feel better about myself, so I can get off my Blood pressure meds, so I can live a long healthy life, so I can get this weight off my foot and reduce all the strain on my poor healing achilles tendon and get the pressure off my "good" foot which has been hurting me. So I can get out of bed every morning and not have pain in my feet and knees. So I can feel proud and confident on my Motorcycle. And so many other things that I could go on and one about!

WHAT is in it for me?? To get my life back. To stop existing and start living! To be able to play sports again. To ride my bicycle and hike. To feel like I am more respected at work and not seen as the "Fat" girl. I'll get to join a volleyball team and a softball team. I can participate in that Hiking Group I joined on meetup, but haven't had the confidence to attend a meetup, I can feel great in a bathing suit on the beach.. I can enjoy going to our neighborhood pool and not feel embarrassed by people looking at me. And again, so many other things to list, as I have many WHYS and WHATS.

It is so easy to get caught up in all the eating. But I have really learned over this past year on my journey that eating right is only part of the puzzle. If you are not motivated to eat right, it doesn't matter how knowledgeable you are, if you don't stay motivated to do the hard work to lose weight, knowledge will get you no where. So, today I will stay focused on the WHY the WHAT and I will focus on FEELING. And when I say FEELING, I am talking about thinking ahead to the future and trying to FEEL now the way I will FEEL when I am 75, 100, 150 pounds lighter. I have been there, I know how good it feels. Just like I can imagine how good a piece of chocolate tastes on my tongue, I also have the ability to imagine how good it feels to be slim, healthy, athletic and I know that there is nothing in this world that feels better than that! So that is what I am going to focus on today! I am going to THINK and FEEL thin, athletic, and energetic! What better motivation is there than that???

Don't ever give up and always try to think positive, motivational thoughts and encourage yourself to do better everyday. If you have a "slip up", let it go and move on. Beating yourself up over it and getting down about it only causes you to feel worse, which leads to more bad eating. Forgive yourself, move on and start fresh! Every minute of your life is a new opportunity to try again and get it right!

Again I say, "It's about progress, not perfection!"

Two quotes today that really spoke to me that I would like to share and sorry to say, the place I got these from didn't cite them, so I don't know who the author of these quotes were, but they are too good not to share:

"Listen closely: the only time it's too late to change yourself is when you're dead. Until then, you're simply making excuses or lying to yourself."

"Anything is possible, It's your choice whether or not you choose to make IT happen."

Ugh!!! Vacation!!!

Last Friday, the 22nd of April, I left for my vacation to my Mom's house in Florida. In the past, my mindset leaving for vacation has always been, "It's vacation, I am going to enjoy myself and eat whatever I want." But the reality is, I don't REALLY enjoy myself when I eat like that. These last couple of months of eating healthy has really taught me that I feel so much better and enjoy life so much better when I am eating good, healthy, nutritious food. But since it was my vacation AND Easter weekend AND my grandma's 95th birthday celebration, I was a bit concerned with how well I would do sticking to a healthy eating plan.

I am proud to say that the beginning of my week, I felt I did really well. We arrived late Friday night, just in time for Pizza. I did eat two slices, but I stopped there.....Until the ice cream was brought out. Then I reverted back to my old self and I managed to polish off a decent size bowl of ice cream with hot fudge and whipped cream. I don't know what happened. I guess I just got caught up in the celebration of being with my whole family under one roof for the first time in about 7 years. But right after eating the ice cream, I felt sick to my stomach. I continued to have some stomach issues into the next day and so this ensured I ate as healthy as possible at my Grams birthday party. I ate salad, one piece of very delicious chicken, a small bit of rice and that was it. No seconds for me. Then I ate a small piece of yummy birthday cake. Late that night, we went to the pool and I spend about 20 minutes in the resistance pool to give myself a little work out.

On Easter day, I did eat everything that was prepared, but I had small amounts and again, no seconds. Most of my family left on Monday morning and I tried to resume normal eating as much as possible. I just kept trying to remember how crappy I felt Friday night after I ate the ice cream. I won't rehash everything I ate, but I will say that mostly I ate pretty good. My Mom had a lot of candy, cakes and other yummy sweets and although I had a small amount, I know I didn't abuse it like I have in the past. I got on the scale on Wednesday to see how I had done and I had gained a pound, which I didn't think was too bad since I knew I was not being perfect. But it was all down hill from there. From there, we ended up eating out at least once each day and I know I didn't make the best choices. And I did end up getting into some Easter candy.

I returned home on Friday the 29th and I weighed myself 1st thing Saturday and I had gained a total of 4 pounds. I actually planned on and gave myself license to gain 3. So, I went one pound over what I planned on. Not too bad. But the frustrating part is, the rest of the weekend, I had a hard time getting myself back on track. I spent the weekend with the "I'm on vacation attitude" and that is not good. I think I did a lot of damage. But here we are, Monday and I am not going to hold on to what I did wrong. I am trying to redirect today and just make sure I am eating healthy today.

I am having a struggle today. I just ate some chocolate from a co-workers office. It's not so bad if I just move on from here, but it's lunch time and I really want to go out and get Jimmy johns for lunch. I am craving the Italian Night Club Hero, but I know I MUST stay strong. After I write this, I am taking my turkey chili into the break room and heating it up and will just be happy with that! I have to! I have no other choice. I have to get these 4 pounds, and whatever other pounds I put on over the weekend, OFF and I have to continue my weight loss!

I didn't struggle too much, but we did eat Ice Cream two other times....Once at Ben & Jerry's and once at Bresslers and I LOVE the ice cream from both, and today, I guess I am back suffering from a sugar addiction because I am craving sweets. But the only thing I can do is stay strong, like I did 2 months ago, and break the sugar addiction. I know if I stay strong, it will only last a few days at most.

As I sit here struggling with myself to not go out to Jimmy Johns, I am working hard to remember all the reasons why losing weight is so important to me. The one thing that is standing out in my mind is the jeans I am wearing right now. I just got them out of the wash and they feel so comfortable on me. Not too tight and these are the jeans that just about 5 weeks ago didn't fit me AT ALL! I couldn't button them and here I am today, sitting very comfortably in them. That is what I am focusing on in order to keep my mind focused on what else I want to accomplish. Jimmy Johns won't get me what I ultimately want, but eating my turkey chili will.

I think I am good.....I know I am can stay strong. Here I go...Off to heat up my turkey chili and enjoy that more than I ever would enjoy Jimmy Johns!!

I know when I weigh in this Saturday morning, I will see good things on the scale!

It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not. ~ James Gordon, M.D.

It's Been too Long!

It's been a week since I wrote and I really have no excuse. I need to keep on top of that because it's so important for me to stay connected to my weight loss efforts and my thoughts and emotions as I go through this change of life. It's a tough battle, but just because I didn't write this week doesn't mean I have deviated from my healthy lifestyle, it doesn't mean I have gone off the deep end of fallen of the wagon.

All in Debbie land is actually really great! I lost 2.6 pounds this week. That means since January 3rd, I have officially lost 20.6 pounds. Ok, I'd like it to go a little faster, but I am happy to have lost 20 pounds. It really feels so good and rewarding and I do think I am starting to see some very slight changes in the shape of my body. Like I have said before, trying to lose weight and get in shape can be difficult and disappointing, especially when you think you are trying so hard and can't make headway. But once you can make a few really good changes, and you start to see results, I now see how easy it is to keep motivation.

Because I was an athlete for mots of my young life, I gained a very competitive spirit, but this is the first time I am using the competitive spirit against myself. I just feel like I have to "win"! There is nothing that can stop me. I am not even struggling. I am so excited because I feel like I have finally mastered the healthy eating lifestyle. It just feels so easy, why didn't I figure this out before. I can't take all the credit though because I am just putting in to play many of the tools and techniques I learned from weight watchers.

They really taught me how to eat. It's a shame they got rid of their core program. I know they have some variation of it now, but it still involves counting points. I know that does work for some people, my Mom specifically has done really, really well on the points system. I guess it worked for me too, but I think what always get's me when I am trying to lose weight is, I get too caught up and lost in the diet. It engulfs my whole self and eventually it starts to drive me crazy, like I just can't take thinking about it anymore. The point tracking, the measuring, the weighing, the journaling. It just all gets to be too much. The point finder thing was such a pain in the neck every time you had to figure out how many points something was. If I was in the store and wanted to buy something and I didn't have my points finder on me, what a pain to try to figure it out and then make the choice to either buy it or not and take my chances on the amount of points it was. And then all the game playing.....Yes, you heard me.....I said game playing! It's so easy to play games with yourself while you are doing that kind of thing. First of all, the points come out of how much fat, calories and fiber something has in it. So, basically, you can have anything you want as long as you can figure out the points associated with it. When I was doing the points, I would justify things like, candy bars (Most of them around 5 pts), a big mac (13 pts), Egg McMuffin (9 pts) and so on. There is a point value for everything, but it doesn't mean that is the kind of stuff you should be eating. You find ways to justify eating bad food within your points value and then you get all upset when you didn't lose or lost very little.

So, they use to say "A calorie is a calorie." Well, by doing weight watchers core program, that only lasted a short time, I learned so very much about eating. I mean, what do you think is better? 5 points worth of chicken or 5 points worth of a candy bar? Which one is healthier for you? Which one is going to carry you the longest before you are hungry again? Which one is going to give you the most energy? Do you think it's better to eat 5 pts of a candy bar or 10 pts of a grilled chicken breast. This is the epiphany I have gained from doing the points programs. It forced me to learn a little more about nutrition. It taught me how to gauge my portion sizes without having to weight and measure. For dinner, I should be having about 5-6 oz of a lean meet. So, I greab a chicken breast out and I cook it. Then I eat it. What step did I skip? I didn't measure it and I didn't journal it! That makes life so much easier. So, what if the chicken breast was 7 oz instead of 5 or 6? Is that really going to make such a huge difference? No, it's not.

I think the problem people had with core, was it gave too much freedom and when it comes to "dieting", a word I completely despise, people need to have boundaries and rules because they are so reliant on someone else telling them what to eat and how much, they haven't really been taught to think for themselves, and they haven't been taught about proper nutrition, or common sense when it comes to food. I am so fortunate that I took the chance years back and tried the Weight Watchers core program because it really taught me what to eat, how to eat and in the right portions without having to drive myself crazy by weighing and measuring and writing everything down. I know what to eat and in the right portions and I don't put a lot of thought into my food. I use to literally drive myself crazy, that I just couldn't stand obsessing and thinking so much about everything I put into my mouth.

I just cook up some good old fresh lean meats, a whole grain, veggies and a salad for dinner and I'm good to go. Then because I enjoy a little sweet taste in my mouth, I eat one cookie, or one piece of dark chocolate or one of my sweet delights and I am totally satisfied. I have also learned that I don't need to abuse sweets in order to enjoy them. I really enjoy and savor the taste of just one. One the weekends I sometimes allow 2.

tonight, Saturday night, I am so excited because I bought the fixins to make myself a pizza. I bought pizza dough, chicken sausage that I am cutting into little peices, I have black olives, green peppers and onions that I am putting on it with pizza sauce and 2% skim mozzarella. I can't wait. The best part is, I am not even going to try to figure out how much fat and calories. I don't care. I will probably eat about half and put the other half away. It really is all about moderation. So, that means that this isn't something I could eat everyday, but if I have it once in a while on the weekend and make sure that they rest of the time, I am very aware of what I am eating, I will still lose. And the best part is, allowing yourself a little treat now and then really helps you to not feel deprived. I do not feel deprived at all. I love everything I am eating and I have really shown myself that I can eat good, lose weight and not feel deprived, but that I can feel totally and completely satisfied. And the funny thing is, as I continue to work hard on eating healthy, I have noticed that food does come a little less important to me. I use to focus so much on food. Every where I went, every thing I did, I felt like food was the center of it. I don't feel that way anymore.

Last night I came home from work and all I thought about on the way home was, "When I get home, I have to get the rest of the mulch placed in the gardens." I didn't think about dinner and I didn't feel like I was even that hungry and yesterday when I got home, I realized I totally forgot to eat my 3pm snack. I mean, i don't want to do that everyday, because I usually eat a small amount of nuts and an apple and that holds me til dinner, but yesterday I just wasn't feeling hungry. So, I came home and I worked in the garden til about 8pm. Then for dinner I had a little bit of couscous and a small slice of chedder cheese. I just wasn't hungry.

It just amazes me what we can do when we put our mind to it. For so long, I was right there with so many other people who say, "I just can't because........" and they tell themself some little story that they believe. They don't even try, they make up their minds that they are going to fail before they even try. It's really sad that people don't give themselves more credit. We as people are amazing.....We are so strong and we can do anything we put our minds to.

So, I have one more thing to talk about. It's about keeping motivation. So, I have an excel spreadsheet that I use to document my weight. So, I have each date that I plan to weigh in and when I put it in, it calculates how much I lost. In the next column, I have created a column that says, "Projected weight loss." Basically I set little goals for myself instead of just trying to lose weight and not knowing exactly what I want to accomplish. So for instance, when I first weighed myself on January 3rd, I was 344. Then I thought about how much weight I wanted to lose and the time frame I wanted to do it in. So, I said I wanted to lose 170 pounds in 2 years. If I lose it faster, great, but at the minimum, I will lose it in 2 years. I figure slower is better and It will ensure I keep it off longer, hopefully for good. So, I take the total want to lose and divide it by the number of weeks I want to lose it in. So, two years is 104 weeks. Then I divide 170 by 104 and I get 1.6. 1.6 pounds is what I need to lose a week in order to reach that goal. So, in the "Projected Weight" Column, I subtract 1.6 from 344 and next week, my goal is to weight 342.4. Then I create a formula that subtracts 1.6 from 342.4 and drag that formula down until I get to 104 weeks and see what my ending weight will be, but each week, I will clearly see the goal I have set for myself.

The great thing about this is, it's a great monitoring system. If you feel like you are eating good, and you gain or don't lose 1.6 or whatever your goal is, you know you have to modify something and just know that you will do better next week. When I first started though, the first two weeks I lost like 10 pounds, so I got way ahead of my goal. Then my dog passed away and I feel off the wagon badly. But I did get back on, then I tried herbalife for two weeks which messed me up badly. But once I got off that, which was now 6 weeks ago, I am back on track and right where I am suppose to be with my goal because I have been doing so well, that I have lost way more than 1.6 a week. The really exciting and motivating thing about this is, I can look 4 or 8 or 12 weeks from now and get so excited when I see numbers that I haven't seen in so long and I am so excited to get back there. And when you see it in black and white, it makes it so real and then you understand so well the correlation between eating bad and eating good. Then I think, by continuing to eat healthy, what will this get me??? It will get me under 300 in 17 weeks and that is if I only lose 1.6 a week. I could see 299 on the scale sooner than that. I am both happy about this and ashamed of this at the same time, the fact that I let myself get over 300 pounds. I was ashamed when I was over 250. But I have to stop and not think of that. It is what it is and it's that feeling of shame that got me to where I am. I started feeling shameful about myself weight when I was in High School and I hit 175. And then I hit 185. 190. I was in college when I hit 200 and I felt so bad about myself. I felt so shameful, but the funny thing is, my reaction to shame was to hide and eat. I use to stop at McDonalds on the way to school and eat like 2 or 3 breakfast sandwiches because somehow it comforted me.

I often laugh at that.......The very thing that ruined my life and made me so unhappy and shameful about myself was the same thing that comforted me. I don't get it. But I don't have to. I am over it now. I am an adult. Yes, I am ashamed that I am 323 pounds right now. I am ashamed that I was once 344. But I don't allow myself to feel that because nothing good comes from feeling shame. I have too many things in my life I am tired of feeling ashamed of, some I can't help, it's just who I am.

I don't let shame be a part of my life anymore. As far as my weight goes, I am so proud of myself for finally taking control of my life and my eating.....I am proud of myself for not giving up and working until I found a solution that works for me. I am proud that I lost 20 pounds. And if someone out there is reading this, and it helps them, I am proud of that too.

Be who you are and be proud to be who you are! There is no one else quite like you!!!


All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself. ~Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"

My NEW Heaven!

This morning was weigh day! I am so happy to report that I lost 4 pounds this week!!! I gained 2 last week, so I guess in reality, I only lost 2 "new" pounds, but that is ok! I'll take it. That makes my total loss 18 pounds since the 3rd of January. It's been a rough ride and had I not gotten off track when Sampson passed and then went on that hokie Herbalife diet, I probably would have been further along, but the main thing to keep in mind is that 18 pounds is still 18 pounds no matter how long it took. I just know that I am feeling so much better already!!!

I think sometimes when trying to lose weight, especially with the Biggest Loser as a part of our reality now, people are so quick to balk at 1, 2 or 3 pounds. Even when I say 18 pounds, it doesn't sound like a lot. The Biggest Loser has us so brainwashed that you should be losing 10, 15 or even 20 pounds a week, but that is not realistic and it's is not even really all that healthy to lose weight so fast. So, whenever I get to thinking that 1 pound isn't a lot, I have to give myself a visual. 4 sticks of butter is a pound. Put 4 sticks of butter together and tell me if you can't say that is a good amount of weight to shed off your body. It doesn't sound like a lot, but when you look at it, you can cleary see that it's pretty significant.

Even 5 pounds, which never sounds like a lot, is really a pretty good amount of weight. Next time you are at the grocery store, grab a 5 pound bag of potatoes and walk around the store with them for a while. Then when you put them down, notice how much lighter you feel. How much better does your back alone feel?

So, for me to gauge how much weight 18 pounds is, I look at and pick up my little dog Toolah who is 16 pounds. Well, because I have had dogs that are 70 pounds and 40 pounds, my little Toolah at 16 pounds seems to light and little. But when I look at her size and picture losing that much off my body, that is a good amount of weight to lose off your frame. And when we are on walks, and she decides that she doesn't want to walk anymore and I have to carry her the rest of the way home, I am so extremely relieved to put all 16 pounds of her down when I get home. That is enough weight over a short period of time, to start to give you some pain and stress over your knees and back.

So, today I have to say that I am truly happy with my success in many ways. Not only am I proud of losing 18 pounds, I am proud that I didn't give up last week after gaining 2.2 pounds. So many times that has been the time when I fall off the wagon because I get so discouraged because I know I worked hard all week and then to get on the scale and not see that reflected is really hard to take. It causes me to get frustrated and angry and last week I didn't really let it affect me. I just knew that diverting from my healthy eating lifestyle wasn't going to accomplish anything productive. It was just going to lead to more frustration and more weight gain which was going to lead me back to that vicious cycle which I finally feel like I am out of now!

I have truly come to believe that losing weight and being healthy is something that takes patience and effort. It means changing habits, not just for a temporary period, but it's about making changes that will stick with you the rest of your life. It's about learning how to eat sensibly, while making sure that you don't completely deprive yourself of the things you enjoy, it's about moderation. And most importantly, if you eat more calories in a day or at a specific meal, don't beat yourself up. Just eat less at the next meal and get right back in the game. There is no such word as cheating in my routine because that is a negative word that makes you feel guilty, and feeling guilty leads to more bad eating. If you eat a little more than you should, just cap it and move on. The important thing is to know how to recover.

I have been trying to lose weight for the last 15 years and as a result, I have gained more and more. It's just now that I am finally processing and using all the tools and techniques I have learned over the years. It's just now that I understand all that I have been taught, and it's just in these last few months that being healthy and fit is more appealing and rewarding to me than eating things I once believed were heaven to me. Now, my heaven is feeling healthy, energetic and confident!!!

Success is a journey, not a destination." Ben Sweetland

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels!!!

Yesterday after work I went to watch a friend play softball on her work team. All the players were in my age group, some a few years younger and a couple were a good amount of years older. It was so much fun to watch, but at the same time, I felt a sorrow rise up in me. It looked like they were having so much fun, and hitting, catching, running seemed to be little effort for them all.

I remembered back to my days of playing sports and how much I loved it. I remember when I was in Jr. High and High School, I use to be excited all day and couldn't wait for the day to end so I could get to sports practice, whatever sport I happen to be playing that season. I can think back and remember so vividly how good I felt and how much fun I was having and I know I felt so alive. I want that feeling back so bad. As a 37 year old, I could still be playing. There were also beach volleyball courts at the ball field and again, many people in my age group playing beach volleyball. My favorite sport of all time is indoor volleyball, but I also like beach VB. I get so sad when I think about the fact that I have stolen that life away from myself.

I looked up on the computer to find out if there was an adult volleyball league in my area and infact, there is. I could be playing!!! I would totally love to go a few nights a week to play. I want that life back. I love to be active! I love to get all sweaty! I love to feel sore the next day, but you feel so invigorated as well.

So, last night while I watched the game, it just reaffirmed for me how important it is for me to do this. It reaffirmed how important it is for me to take my life back and get back to doing what I love.....Being active!

I am already working hard, but I know for me, being successful is all about staying motivated. So many people put so much emphasis on the actual "diet". Although this is very important to be mindful and aware of what you are eating and the quantities you are eating, it is equally important, if not more so, so really get connected to yourself emotionally and find out what drives you to eat, but more importantly, what drives you to want to be healthy and lose weight to begin with. Make a daily reminder of this for yourself. Renewing your motivation is so important to do everyday because everyday you are faced with challenges and you are faced with tough decision making, but if you are clear on why you want to lose weight, and keep reminding yourself of this, you will be able to develop a strong motivation to lose weight and work hard to stick to a healthy way of life.

If is so important and yesterday was another life affirming reason of why I am working so hard to accomplish my 150 pound weight loss. But the other thing is, I am not totally focused on the 150 pounds because that can become overwhelming and I will start to feel "normal" again way before I lose the 150. Right now I am looking to lose 25 pounds. That will put me back into the 200's. Then from there, I am looking to lose another 25. That will put me at a weight that I remember so vividly what it feels like. I will then be at 265. I don't know why that weight stands out in my head, but I remember being 285 and getting down to 265. I felt so renewed, light and healthy. I was beginning to get active again and I was beginning to feel like a "normal" size. But I don't know what happened. Somehow I lost it and ended up gaining back the weight. So, right now that is the weight I am ultimately focused on. When I get there, I will refocus on a new goal.

I can barely remember what I felt like when I was 145. I know I was playing a lot of sports and very athletic and I know that I felt good playing sports, but I wish I could really remember what that felt like. But I will soon because by this time next year, I am hoping that I can be close. I don't know that I will ever be 145 again, but that is ok. As long as I can get to the 100's, I will worry about my finally goal from there!!

It is so exciting to think that in a year, my whole life could be so different than what it is today. I could be a totally different person being able to engage in totally different activities and having a totally different confidence level. I can't wait!! It feels so good I can taste it!!! That reminds me of something my weight watcher leader use to say, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." She is so right!!!!

Being Grateful! The Story of Elisa, Nathan and Sadie Bond!

We all get so caught up in the everyday minutia of life, and thing things that are going on in our lives seem so serious, so all important, that something I think we forget to remember that there are other people out there that have it worse than us, or are suffering more than us. These factors don't make our reality less real, but it does make one stop to think here and there and realize the "unseriousness" of their own problem, that maybe they have perpetuated into something bigger and more serious than it really needs to be.

I had a moment like that this morning. I get so caught up on my weight loss journey, and it is almost all encompassing that I don't often think about others who may be going through something more difficult. Again, it's not that what I am going through doesn't matter because someone else has a more difficult struggle, but it's just important from time to time to stop and take a look at yourself and what you have and find a reason, or two or three or more, to be grateful for the life you have, no matter how unperfect you think it is.

Today I was watching the Today Show and it featured a young couple, both in their 30's who were the proud parents of an 18 month old beautiful baby girl. Their story was heartbreaking as they began to tell of the events that unfolded February 2010. Elisa had started a blog back in 2009 to document the development and life of their new born baby. And in February 2010, her blog becomes a way to talk about and monitor the recent diagnosis her husband Nathan received that he has colo-rectal cancer. He is in stage 3 of his diagnosis and so they begin chemo treatments on him. The next two blogs are about his diagnosis, them dealing with the news and how they are going to keep a positive attitude and get through this. Then, 9 days later, Elisa finds a lump on her breast and is diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer, which has already spread to other areas of her body. She actually found the lump a month before, but because she had just given birth and was breast feeding, the doctors recommended she wait a month until she was no longer breast feeding, to get it checked out.

WOW! A young couple, both in their 30's fighting for their lives while raising their 18 month old daughter and working hard to continue to give her a wonderful life.

Both of them got a very grim diagnosis and both got a 40-60% change of living another 5 years. Despite the seriousness of this situation, they are both keeping an extremely upbeat and positive attitude and show so much gratitude for their life and the people around them. GRATITUDE!! It's something so few people engage in, yet here are two people that just basically got a death sentence, but despite that news, they are still fighting, still staying positive, envisioning themselves living a long, healthy life with their daughter and most amazing, they are grateful for their life and everything and everyone they have. Neither one of them is showing anger or anything. What a testament. Anger only makes you more sick. But being positive and being happy and grateful can only help them in their fight to survive.

Elisa's blog is amazing. If you would like to check it out and read more about their story, you can view their blog here: http://familybondingtime.blogspot.com/


They are an amazing family and it makes me realize that my weight loss, although to me it's serious because it's life or death for me, they teach me a wonderful lesson. They teach me that no matter what I am going through in life, no matter how hard it is something and no matter what I face, you MUST ALWAYS maintain a positive attitude, a sense of humor, and you MUST be grateful for you life and everyone and everything you have in it.

My weight loss is important, but I can't let it get to me. I think the best way for me to overcome this and win is to be confident, be positive at all times, stay happy and most of all be grateful for my health. Because even though I have weight to lose and could die one day if I don't lose it, I am not in eminent danger like they are. I am healthy. God gave me a healthy working body and I can't take that for granted, and when you are over weight or abuse your body in any other way, you are taking for granted the gift that God gave you. So many people would give anything for a healthy body, and then someone like me comes along and takes it for granted and abuses it. Not right and not fair.

I am losing weight for me, but now I am losing it fir the Bond family too. Although I have always been a huge believe and follower of having gratitude, I now understand even more how important that is. I will keep them close in thought and prayer, praying for both of them to make a full recovery so that they can be here on this earth to see their beautiful daughter grow to be an adult. Sot that they can see her walk down the isle and so that they can spend time with their grandkids one day!

Elisa and Nathan, I am praying for you both! Stay strong, hang in there and keep being positive and grateful. I believe in miracles and you should too!

One more thing: I don't know Elisa and Nathan at all. I just heard about them today on the Today Show, but the show mentioned that friends created a website in the Bonds name. As you can imagine, medical expenses are out of hand. Insurance doesn't cover everything. If you would like to help them along and make a donation towards their medical expenses, please visit: http://friendsofnathanandelisa.blogspot.com/p/nathan-and-elisas-story.html

Even if you can only donate a little bit, please do because if everyone just gives a little, maybe it will be a lot! I know the gesture will mean a lot to them also.

Please join me in keeping them close in thought and prayer!

“Impossible situations can become possible miracles." Robert H. Schuller

Amazing what a little extra effort does!!!

I use a website called Mint.com to balance my budget as I believe I have mentioned before. I love it because it's so visual and I am such a visual person. I love that I can see a pie chart of all my spending and can drill down to smaller categories. I just really love it.

so, I was looking at this today and comparing the category "food" from January to Now. It was so great to see that every month, the pie chart change and have the "groceries" piece of the pie grow bigger while the fast food and restaurants piece of the pie grow smaller each month. And then I got thinking about the last time I ate fast food and I couldn't remember. I had Sbarro a few weeks ago, but that isn't exactly fast food, although it isn't necessarily the healthiest choice. I honestly couldn't remember the last time I ate at McDonald's, which is my favorite fast food. I have no trouble staying away from all the others. But according to my Mint.com budget, the last time I had McDonald's was February 22nd. Well, all that tells me is that was the last time I ate there and paid on my debit card. But I rarely carry cash, so that probably was the last time I ate there. And I got feeling so good about that. What an accomplishment because not only have I not eaten McDonalds or any other fast food since that time, I am not even craving it or obsessing over it at all!

I pass by 2 McDonalds and about 5 other fast food chains on the way home and so many times I would leave work feeling so hungry.....ravenous is more like it, and all I could think about was stopping at McDonalds to stop and get my fix! Then I would eat it in the car and still eat dinner when I got home and I wasn't even necessarily eating something healthy when I got home so it was a double whammy. I use to feel so tired and sluggish after eating that crap and I never had the energy to do anything in then evening when I got home except lay on the couch, watch TV and many nights fall asleep there. I would wake up around 10 or so, drag myself into bed, sleep lousy and many nights I would have bad heartburn or acid reflux in my sleep.

Now, I just want to clarify though that I did not stop at McDonalds every night for weeks on end. It was something I would do here and there and I would go through periods of stopping 2 or 3 times a week for 2 weeks, then I work hard not to stop there for food for a couple of weeks straight and then I would breakdown and begin to stop again for food and the cycle continued. But I have to say that not only has it been 6 weeks since I have pick up McDonalds or any other fast food, I haven't even had the compulsion to do so.

So often as I would be driving and knew McDonalds was coming up ahead, I would have this internal fight with myself. But it was torture to drive past it. Every night was a fight and not only did I have to get through it once, I had to go through it again as I passed the 2nd McDonalds. But it's funny how you really can change your mindset. Ultimately, we are really the one's who are in control of our thinking and our actions because I just realized yesterday that not only have I been successful at not eating there, I realized yesterday that I don't even think about McDonalds and don't even notice when I pass by it anymore. I can't remember the last time it was even on my radar and I can't remember the last time I had a struggle when passing it by. It's like I have completely forgotten it is there and that makes me feel so good and so successful.

I feel like my addiction is broken, but I know that I have to stay strong and willful because an addiction, if you are not watching steadfastly, can sneak back up on you. I am feeling so good now though, I can't imagine why I would ever return to that bad habit of eating.

But this last month has been so great. I really feel like I have formed some great new habits that are sticking and I have found a healthy eating plan that works so great for me. I don't feel like I am on a diet, I just feel like I am eating good healthy things that I enjoy. I don't feel deprived because if I want something bad enough, I allow myself to have it, because this is not about complete and total deprivation, but I use a lot more control now in the amount that I have.

For example, at home, I have a box of chocolate fudge cookies that I really enjoy. But I am not touching them because they are a treat for me for the weekend and I am only allowing myself to have 3 over the whole weekend. I am good with that. I don't know why, but somehow it works for me.

I do hope one day to be able to be in control enough to enjoy McDonald's from time to time, because even though it's not the healthiest food, it is YUMMY! And anyone who follows my blog knows that I totally enjoy the YUM YUM!! But I would like to be able to have a burger and fries once every couple of months and be ok and in control about it. But right now, I am too afraid that the taste of it will send me into a tailspin and find that I am addicted again. Maybe I will never be able to have it again, only time will tell.

But either way, I can't go back to my old habits. It was making my life too unhappy and even though I still have a ton of weight to lose, the burden seems lifted a bit because I am on my way to a healthier, thinner life. I feel good now and I know that I can work hard over this next year to lose the majority of my weight. And now that my Achilles Tendon is fixed and the nice weather is here, I am going to get out and be active! And the best part is, today my co-worker, who had been out on vacation for a week, came back to work today and as I was standing in the door of her office, she told me I looked like I had lost a little weight. So, my advice to anyone trying to lose weight and failing......Just work as hard as you can to be really good and work hard the first 4 weeks. I have found that the first 4 weeks are the hardest, but if you can get through those first weeks, you will be well on your way because by then, there will be so many positive things happening to keep you motivated. I have been staying motivated by keeping a positive attitude, by seeing the scale go down week after week, by putting on a pair of jeans that didn't fit, but now do and so many other things, but now someone else noticed my success and let me know. That is a whole different kind of motivation, stronger than any type of motivation I can give to myself.

She made my day and now I want to work even harder so I can lose more and hear that from more and more people. It's truly amazing what a little extra effort does! And most of all, it's amazing all the magic that starts to happen when you believe in yourself and tell yourself that YOU CAN DO IT!!!

You can't try to do things; you simply must do them.
-Ray Bradbury

Up for a New Challenge!

In my years of dieting and trying to lose weight, being part of different weight loss groups or different organization, I have learned many things. But one piece of advice that I once received from a Weight Watcher lecturer about 4 years ago had to do with your method of shopping in the supermarket. I think in this day and age, many of us are aware of the more process, pre-packaged foods that are out there on the market. Although these foods are intended to make meal prep a little easier for the busy person, and allows us to eat "healthier" lower fat and calorie foods on the good and without having to spend a lot of time or putting a lot of thought into it, in the long run, these pre-packaged foods actually aren't all that healthy. Yes, they may be lower calorie, lower fat and they do allow us to make meals faster and may prevent us from a worse act of eating fast food or eating out. But as my Scottish Uncle Jim use to say, "Everything in Moderation."

I will not sit here and say that from time to time I do not eat a smart on or a lean cuisine or some other pre-packaged "diet" food. I do from time to time, but in the past 3 or 4 years, I have eaten a lot less of those food.
So, back to the advice from my lecturer about shopping. He suggestion was to only shop the perimeter of the Supermarket because that is where you can get all your fresh and less processed foods. Now, of course there are exceptions to every rule and that is, of course not EVERYTHING that you can buy shopping the perimeter is healthy and fresh and it's not completely realistic to think that you will never need to go down an isle to get something. And, there are good things down some isles like dried beans and legumes.

But as a general rule, I try to buy only fresh food items. This has worked pretty good for me. I have to say that I do see a difference in how I feel and in my weight loss when I am not eating foods that are packed with all those "chemicals" they call preservatives and whatever else they put in pre-processed foods.

But I do have to say, I haven't paid a huge amount of attention to certain ingredients in certain foods, like boxed cereal. Although I thought I was eating healthy buy sticking with cereals like shredded wheat and bran and certain types of Kashi. But I learned, even those aren't the most healthy things to be eating either, and I am not talking about just for weight loss, I am talking about truly eating healthy.

A friend of Maggie's are work was talking about her 5 ingredients or less rule. She said how she is on a mission to truly eat healthy and will only eat foods with 5 (healthy) ingredients or less. I realized then that I never really spent time looking at food labels for ingredients. But from now on, that is my mission too.

So, on Saturday mornings, I like to make myself an omelet with light cheese. I normally buy the weight watchers shredded cheese, thinking it is so healthy. Well, I looked at a bag of shredded cheddar cheese and it had 6 ingredients. Not that 1 extra is a big deal, but the extra ingredient in shredded cheese Maggie told me is a anti-cake ingredient and it's function is preventing the shreds of cheese from clumping together in the bag...Basically it keeps the shredded cheese shredded. And all I thought was, can that really be good to eat? It's natural for cheese to cake together, and so they add something to prevent this, making it now unnatural. I think in the future, I would rather buy cheese that is "natural" and shred it myself. It really doesn't take that long. I could shred it as I need it.

Then I looked at my "healthy" cereal and was really surprised to see all the ingredients in them, which was between 15-20. The only cereal in my cabinet that was really healthy, was my Quaker Oates. It had one ingredient which was 100% natural whole grain oats. That was the only ingredient.

So, I think this is going to be a slight challenge in some areas, but in many areas I am already eating all fresh foods. I am up for the challenge though of taking out the few foods I am eating that contain 6 ingredients or more. 5 or less is my goal!

I know I am Up for this Challenge!!!!!!!

Struggling!!!

So, I normally don't post twice in one day, but right now I am using my Blog more as a tool for survival than sharing thoughts, ideas, experiences and inspiration. I am having a hard struggle right now. I think it goes hand in had with the weekend.

I really want to eat right now. I just want to eat something yummy, and because it's Friday, I really want to go eat out. But my dilemma is that tomorrow morning is my weigh day and I can't eat too heavy tonight. I definitely associate the weekend with celebration and along with celebration comes eating. That is the one area I am still really, really struggling with. All week I have no problem eating sensible food in sensible proportions, but as soon as Friday night hits, I want to eat out. Last Friday I cracked and went out for wings. The funny thing is, I still lost 3 pounds. I don't think I will be that lucky this week and have the same results.

So, I have 3 options:

1. I could go out to eat and have what I want, hoping it doesn't affect my weigh in too much.

2. I could go out to eat and work hard to pick someone think sensible and lower calorie

3. I can be strong and just eat something at home that I have already prepared and be happy with that and treat myself out to dinner tomorrow night.

Now I have to spend some time soul searching and figure out what I really want. What is eating out going to get me? How will I feel after I eat out? Will I feel bad, which could eventually lead to more eating bad? Possible.

What do I get if I eat home? Although I may feel frustrated and deprived now, I know tomorrow I will feel so good that I was strong and resisted going out and I will hopefully see a good result on the scale.

Ok, time to really ponder this, but after writing my blog, there is no question to me what I should do.......Stay home and eat something I have already prepared. Ok, I am going to be strong!

The Scale is my Enemy!!!

Ok, so maybe the scale really isn't my enemy, but this week was tough. As much as I vow to only get on the scale once a week, I failed again this week to heed to that. I did get on the scale this morning and I felt frustrated because it is up 3 pounds from last week. I had a tough weekend, but I don't think I did anything worth gaining 3 pounds over and I have had a great week. I even snuck in some exercise, although I need to do more. I think maybe tonight I will pull my bike out of the garage and try to use it a few times a week. I know exercise is key in my weight loss journey and in my quest to obtain a healthier lifestyle.

My official weight in is not until tomorrow anyway, and a similar thing happened to me last week. Although, it wasn't a gain, the scale was only showing like a 1 pound loss and when I weighed in the next day, I had actually lost 3 pounds. So, I am hoping that when I weigh in tomorrow, it is not showing a gain. If it is the same, I would be ok with that.

But no matter what, I am not giving up. I think it's important to use multiple measures in addition to the scale. If you are working out a lot, it is important to take your measurements because if you are building muscle, it weighs more than fat so although initially the scale my not reflect the changes in your body, the tape measure will show you results. I experienced this when I was a member of curves.

Also, I am paying very close attention to 2 very important things. The way my clothes fit and the way I feel overall. These are excellent measures. These two things keep me going. I have been wearing two different pair of jeans that were too tight to even button and now not only can I button them, they are pretty comfortable and are not giving me a muffin top. The other measure is how I feel. I feel great! When I am eating unhealthy, I feel tired, sluggish, I don't sleep good and I am feeling all sorts of bad. But I feel good, energetic, and I am sleeping pretty great. And most of all, I am feeling so great emotionally because I know I am on my way to a better, healthier life!!!

Today I had a small food related challenge that I conquered and the best part was, it wasn't even hard.

We had a small lunch event to welcome new employees to the company and they had chips, sandwiches, cookies and some other yummy items. I packed my lunch today, knowing that although I would attend the event, I would eat the food I brought. But while I was at the luncheon, i grabbed a handful of grapes and I socialized. So, because I was eating, no one questioned why I wasn't eating. If I didn't eat anything, it would have drawn more attention my way and may have possibly led to peer pressure to eat. Then, when it was over, I returned to my office and ate the lunch I had brought for myself and I really enjoyed it!

When you really want to do something, it is really easy to overcome obstacles, but you must be 100% committed and this time, I really am. And last but not least, I really hope the scale is my friend come tomorrow morning!

“The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph!” -Marvin Phillips

The Little Train that Could...............

I have been focusing a lot on my eating strategies, but all along, the main reason I have always failed in the past is because I often find it hard to keep my motivation. I either give in to food, or I get discouraged because I don't see the scale moving or moving down enough and then I get upset and completely give up, and return to my old ways of eating.

Although I have always said that my problem is motivation, I do realize that much of my problem was also about commitment and really wanting it. To accomplish anything in life, you have to really want it.

I have spoken to many people in life who are trying to lose weight and live a healthier life, but often hear them say, "I can't do it." "I just don't have the willpower." "I don't have the time to shop or cook." "It's too expensive to eat healthy." "I had a busy week, I just didn't have the time to worry about what I was eating." So many excuses.....I know, I was the master of excuses. I have used most of these over the years and I believed every word I told myself. Not only did I believe them, but those excuses became my mantra's in life. It was almost as if I was on a mission to show everyone that all those "excuses" were really true. Like I wanted to fail, but I wanted to be justified in my failures. It's really amazing the power our words have. I mean, you can believe anything you tell yourself, and I mean ANYTHING! But as I said, our words have so much power, but most of us don't use our powerful words to say anything positive.

For instance, when we come up with excuses like "It's too expensive to eat healthy". Wow, Really? Well, you are right. Healthy food is more expensive, but how is eating out a lot instead of buying healthy foods and taking the time to cook them up? I know I was. So, I budget my money using a free online budget software called Mint.com. It is actually a product of the company I work for, so I really trust it because I really trust the products we distribute.

But I looked back at an area called "Trends" and this shows me a pie chart of all the categories I have spent my money on for the month. When I look back to January, I spent $388 on groceries and I spent $225 eating out...Just for the MONTH!!! So, I spent a totally of $613 on food! And my grocery bill at $388 wasn't healthy food. Maybe the first part of the month, but the second part of the month was junk food!! and $225 on eating out? WOW!!! That is A LOT!!!

So, although this month isn't over, I have finished all the grocery shopping I am going to do for the rest of the month since we only have 2 days of this month left.

This month, I have spent 496.64 in groceries.....ALL HEALTHY FOOD! Ok, so that is a lot more than the amount I spent on groceries in January, but I only spend $72.64 on eating out this month. For a total of $496.64 total money spent on food.

So, although eating healthy might cost more, over all, I spent $116.36 LESS in this month on food than I did in January. So, what I have learned over these last 3 weeks is that I am really enjoying eating good. I have made some really yummy, tasty foods, I don't feel deprived and although the weekends are still a little bit of a struggle, the way I feel really helps to keep me motivated. I feel so good and energetic. And I still tell myself stories, but I tell myself more happy and positive stories, and I believe those stories instead of the bad ones. Kind of like the Little Train that Could. "I start off with I think I can, I think I can, I think Can and as I get momentum and as I the going get's tough but I grow more determined, I now say, "I know I can, I know I can, I know I can." And I do.....I know that I can do this and I won't stop until I reach my destination.....Destination THIN, here I come!!

The end of a not so successful weekend!

Here we are, 10:13pm Sunday evening. The weekend started out quite positive, but this weekend was once again a big reminder to me that I always need to be on guard, because no matter how well I have my strategy planned for healthy eating, no matter how much good food I have in the house and available, and no matter how good I am feeling about myself or how motivated I am, I always need to remember that I am a very emotional eater, and I must remember that the weather is one thing in my life that can set my emotions off kilter.

As I stated above, the weekend started out very good. I weighed in on Saturday morning and I lost 3.5 pounds this week. That means in the 3 weeks since I have stopped herbalife and have just concentrated on eating for health, I have lost a total of 12.5 pounds. Not too shappy. I was so happy about that. And then I decided to loosen the reigns for myself a little. We ended up going to the mall because it was a cold, cloudy, rainy day. Not typical at all for late March in North Carolina. Normally this time of year we are having highs in the high 60's low 70's and we were very spoiled because last week, almost everyday we hit the low 80's. Then all of a sudden, Friday evening, a cold front moved in and gave us a 45 degree high on Saturday with rain and clouds and today was even colder. I don't even know if we ever hit 40.

That is extremely cold for this time of year. That is actually our typical winter highs. So, we went to the mall and ended up eating in the food court. I ate Stromboli and 2 breadsticks from Sbarro and as I was nearing the end of my plate, I felt sick. I thought to myself, "Why do I eat this crap?" I knew instantly I felt sick. For dinner I did eat the chili I cooked and Sunday was just ok, but I woke up with a stomach ache and I just felt the blues all day. Again, I blame it mostly on the weather, but it made me want to eat bad. Once again, I didn't eat half as bad as I have in the past. There was no fast food (Well, except for the Sbarro), there was no binging, but I just didn't eat as healthy as I have been, I didn't watch what I was eating as close and I didn't eat any fruits or veggies today at all! And when I don't eat those, I feel like crap, as I do tonight. I feel tired, lethargic and just plan bad. I hardly drank water all weekend. I have changed many bad habits and as I always say, it's about progress, not perfection.

So, I guess I have to be happy for what I didn't do and continue to work hard to make more changes. I have to start eating more healthy on the weekends. I have to make sure to eat fruits and veggies and drink lot's of water. But I am actually thankful for a weekend like this. It shakes me back into reality. It is confirmation that I know tomorrow I want to get right back to eating good so I can feel good.

next weekend my goal is to get through Saturday the same way I get through the whole rest of the week. I am doing this despite the challenges I face, but if it was easy, everyone would do it. But I am going to do this this time around. I will not quite and I will not give up!!!! I want my life back and I will fight tooth and nail for it! I am determined. It's the hard that makes it worth it!

Determination gives you the resolve to keep going in spite of the roadblocks that lay before you.
Denis Waitley

Coming to Terms with the Pain of the Past.

I have been dieting for almost all my life. Some periods of my life I was thin, so I was fluffy and for many I have been just down right FAT, no other way to say it. My thinnest weight I ever, I was in High School and I weighed 145 at my thinnest. I would say though that I fluctuated between 155-170. And although I had to watch my weight back then, I didn't pay much attention to it because I wasn't all that interested in food. I mean, I always have loved to eat, but when I think back to my days being at school, I know I didn't eat much during the day, which wasn't good, but it's probably the main reason I was able to keep my weight down.

I really never use to eat breakfast and sometimes I didn't even eat lunch because I didn't have a lunch period because I was in Band, Chorus and Orchestra, so my schedule was full. Some days I know I would bring a small lunch and gobble it down right before chorus started. But I know that food was not my main hobby. I liked to eat, but the things that took up the most residence in my mind was Sports and Music.

Every night after work, I either had sports practice or a game, but either way, I was involved in 2 hours of working out each night. I know I did most of my eating on the weekends, and I never watched or thought about what I put in my mouth (Which is bad because when I was in Jr. High, I went to Weight watchers and lost 45 pounds, so I should have learned to pay more attention to eating a healthy balanced diet). But in any event, I ate what I wanted on the weekends because my weekly eating habits, no matter how poor, counter balanced whatever I ate on the weekends!

But somewhere between then and now, something changed in me. I think it was mostly an issue of self-esteem, but food became my refuge. It became something I did alone mostly, because I wanted to hide what I was doing, and at the same time it was my sacred alone time......Just me and food. It somehow provided me with some sort of comfort, but what it really was, was my enemy posing as a friend. But with every pound I gained, my self-esteem dwindled just a little more. The more that happened, the less I wanted to be social. The heavier I got, the more athletic activities I talked myself out of because all I thought about was how ridiculous I must look trying to Rollerblade or play volleyball. But the truth is, at that time, I was probably 180-190. Still overweight, but not too far gone that I should have given up on myself. I use to LOVE to play volleyball, but when I was in 12th grade, I hit 170 pounds and I ended up giving up playing volleyball because I was too ashamed of my weight and didn't feel like I was agile on the court anymore.

I look back and think what a shame it was that I gave up. What a shame that I didn't take advantage of my Mother's constant generous offers to take me back to weight watchers. If only I had opened up, let my wall down and tell someone how I was feeling. If only I had let someone in to help me, maybe I would have begun my journey of self discovery back then when I was 17 instead of 20 years later when I am now 37. Maybe so many things in my life would have been different if I had the ability to swallow my pride, admit that I was weak and let someone help me. Maybe I would have learned things I have just begun to learn about myself over the past 2 years. Maybe I would have spent my 20's and my 30's thin and still athletic instead of this limiting life I have allowed myself to go on living. I have been keeping myself imprisoned and I have finally grown tired of it.

I should be happy that I am at least doing it now. Over the last 2 years I have been struggling, but these last 2 years have been years of self-discovery. Although I have failed so many times, it's the only time in my adult like that I have made such a commitment to keep fighting to get my life back. I am not giving up this time. I am not dieting anymore, but rather working to change my habits to live a more healthy life. As I have said before, a diet is a temporary thing that you engage in until you reach a specific goal and then the diet ceases. But for the first time in my life, I really understand the meaning of making this a lifestyle change, a permanent change, not a temporary change. And because this is something I need to the rest of my life, I need to set realistic goals, form good habits, but make it a realistic lifestyle. That is the number one most important thing that I need to find out how to do. So far, I think I am being successful. I am not feeling deprived, I am not feeling hungry. I have worked so hard to find foods that I enjoy, but that are low fat, low calorie. I have worked hard to adjust my portions sizes too, which was probably my biggest problem area.

So, in an effort to do this, I have looked into the things I do feel like I am missing out on. Of course, I love fast food, specifically McDonalds, but I have come to terms with the fact that eating that type of food has to be something I do only a FEW TIMES A YEAR. Seriously! It is not realistic to think that I will never again eat fast food, because it is something I enjoy, but I have decided that it is something I am going treat myself to maybe 3 or 4 times a year. I think that is realistic for me. I haven't had any fast food in over a month. I really can't remember the last time I did eat fast food actually, but my point is, I am not missing it. So, as long as I am not missing it, I am not going to force myself to eat it. And what makes me so happy is that every morning and every evening, I pass two McDonalds on the way to and from work and so many times it would call out my name as I drove by. It would be so hard to keep driving the car past it, and many times I didn't keep driving. But I know that lately, I haven't even noticed when I was passing by McDonalds. It hasn't been on my radar at all. It's almost automatic that I drive right by and don't even notice it. That makes me feel so happy and makes me feel like I am being to be successful in the changes I am making.

But, I do know that there are other things I like to eat that I am sometimes beginning to wish I could have on occasion. And I also know that I have been using the weekend to loosen the reigns a little, and while I think this is ok sometimes, I don't think it's ok every weekend. I need to have more control than that.

And like I have said before, when it comes to the supermarket, for some reason I love all the frozen junk food. Like the TGIFriday's wing, cheese sticks, potato skins. I LOVE frozen pizza, Chicken Pot Pies, Totino's pizza rolls and so many other yummy frozen. I don't know why, it's such junk food, but I just love it. So, with the weekend coming, I was feeling like maybe I wanted to give myself a treat. I was at the store shopping yesterday and started to peruse the frozen isle. I was looking at some of my favorite foods and I took a box of Totino's pizza rolls out of the freezer and looked at the calorie and fat content. Well, although I already knew how fattening they were, but seeing the nutritional lable again, there was no struggle, there was no question. There was no way I could put that crap in my body. The whole package had like 45 grams of fat and I could easily eat that in one sitting. That is more fat than I should have in one day, let along one meal. But I knew that I wanted to allow myself a little license this weekend without going overboard. I started to look in the frozen section for some more healthy options. I found one of my favorite frozen stuffed chicken meals. It was chicken cordon blue and I thought that there is no way that this is going to be ok for me to eat for one meal. But when I looked at the label, it was only 250 calories, and 12 grams of fat. Now, I do realize that is a lot for one meal, but I also know that as an alternative for a treat for a weekend dinner, that really isn't bad at all. It's not something I can eat all the time, but having it from time to time really wouldn't be bad at all and it will also fulfill that craving that I have for some good frozen "junk" food without being as bad as some of the other frozen junk I eat.

And this way, I also feel like I am getting a little treat without it being really bad.

So tonight I come to two different conclusions. The first is, the past is the past and there is nothing I can do to change it. I have to let it go and accept that for whatever reason, my life has gone this way for a reason. Maybe God wanted me to have this stuggle so that when I finally beat this, I would appreciate it more than if I did it at an earlier time in my life. Maybe God knows me better than I know myself, and I am sure that is true! And the second conclusion I have come to believe is that working hard to lose weight and become healthy doesn't have to be a death sentence. My life isn't over just because I am not going to eat cake anytime I want, or candy and fast food or junk. My life is going to be good because I am learning that I can eat and enjoy food without eating crap and without abusing it and in the end, as I get back into shape, I will actually be able to enjoy life better because being able to be active in my life is way more important than what I want to eat. McDonalds vs. Hiking 5 or 10 miles to a secluded spot in order to take a picture of a beautiful waterfall somewhere in the mountains of beautiful North Carolina??? Uh, that is a no brainer! I choose McDonalds......LOL....Ok, just kidding!

Of course the more enjoyable and rewarding is the 5-10 mile hike in the mountains. That is going to be the sweetest day and I can't wait for it to come!!! It will be here! Maybe not this summer, but you better believe that is something I am going to accomplish by next summer!!

Thin.....Here I come!!!


You must begin to think of yourself as becoming the person you want to be. ~ David Viscott