It's Been too Long!

It's been a week since I wrote and I really have no excuse. I need to keep on top of that because it's so important for me to stay connected to my weight loss efforts and my thoughts and emotions as I go through this change of life. It's a tough battle, but just because I didn't write this week doesn't mean I have deviated from my healthy lifestyle, it doesn't mean I have gone off the deep end of fallen of the wagon.

All in Debbie land is actually really great! I lost 2.6 pounds this week. That means since January 3rd, I have officially lost 20.6 pounds. Ok, I'd like it to go a little faster, but I am happy to have lost 20 pounds. It really feels so good and rewarding and I do think I am starting to see some very slight changes in the shape of my body. Like I have said before, trying to lose weight and get in shape can be difficult and disappointing, especially when you think you are trying so hard and can't make headway. But once you can make a few really good changes, and you start to see results, I now see how easy it is to keep motivation.

Because I was an athlete for mots of my young life, I gained a very competitive spirit, but this is the first time I am using the competitive spirit against myself. I just feel like I have to "win"! There is nothing that can stop me. I am not even struggling. I am so excited because I feel like I have finally mastered the healthy eating lifestyle. It just feels so easy, why didn't I figure this out before. I can't take all the credit though because I am just putting in to play many of the tools and techniques I learned from weight watchers.

They really taught me how to eat. It's a shame they got rid of their core program. I know they have some variation of it now, but it still involves counting points. I know that does work for some people, my Mom specifically has done really, really well on the points system. I guess it worked for me too, but I think what always get's me when I am trying to lose weight is, I get too caught up and lost in the diet. It engulfs my whole self and eventually it starts to drive me crazy, like I just can't take thinking about it anymore. The point tracking, the measuring, the weighing, the journaling. It just all gets to be too much. The point finder thing was such a pain in the neck every time you had to figure out how many points something was. If I was in the store and wanted to buy something and I didn't have my points finder on me, what a pain to try to figure it out and then make the choice to either buy it or not and take my chances on the amount of points it was. And then all the game playing.....Yes, you heard me.....I said game playing! It's so easy to play games with yourself while you are doing that kind of thing. First of all, the points come out of how much fat, calories and fiber something has in it. So, basically, you can have anything you want as long as you can figure out the points associated with it. When I was doing the points, I would justify things like, candy bars (Most of them around 5 pts), a big mac (13 pts), Egg McMuffin (9 pts) and so on. There is a point value for everything, but it doesn't mean that is the kind of stuff you should be eating. You find ways to justify eating bad food within your points value and then you get all upset when you didn't lose or lost very little.

So, they use to say "A calorie is a calorie." Well, by doing weight watchers core program, that only lasted a short time, I learned so very much about eating. I mean, what do you think is better? 5 points worth of chicken or 5 points worth of a candy bar? Which one is healthier for you? Which one is going to carry you the longest before you are hungry again? Which one is going to give you the most energy? Do you think it's better to eat 5 pts of a candy bar or 10 pts of a grilled chicken breast. This is the epiphany I have gained from doing the points programs. It forced me to learn a little more about nutrition. It taught me how to gauge my portion sizes without having to weight and measure. For dinner, I should be having about 5-6 oz of a lean meet. So, I greab a chicken breast out and I cook it. Then I eat it. What step did I skip? I didn't measure it and I didn't journal it! That makes life so much easier. So, what if the chicken breast was 7 oz instead of 5 or 6? Is that really going to make such a huge difference? No, it's not.

I think the problem people had with core, was it gave too much freedom and when it comes to "dieting", a word I completely despise, people need to have boundaries and rules because they are so reliant on someone else telling them what to eat and how much, they haven't really been taught to think for themselves, and they haven't been taught about proper nutrition, or common sense when it comes to food. I am so fortunate that I took the chance years back and tried the Weight Watchers core program because it really taught me what to eat, how to eat and in the right portions without having to drive myself crazy by weighing and measuring and writing everything down. I know what to eat and in the right portions and I don't put a lot of thought into my food. I use to literally drive myself crazy, that I just couldn't stand obsessing and thinking so much about everything I put into my mouth.

I just cook up some good old fresh lean meats, a whole grain, veggies and a salad for dinner and I'm good to go. Then because I enjoy a little sweet taste in my mouth, I eat one cookie, or one piece of dark chocolate or one of my sweet delights and I am totally satisfied. I have also learned that I don't need to abuse sweets in order to enjoy them. I really enjoy and savor the taste of just one. One the weekends I sometimes allow 2.

tonight, Saturday night, I am so excited because I bought the fixins to make myself a pizza. I bought pizza dough, chicken sausage that I am cutting into little peices, I have black olives, green peppers and onions that I am putting on it with pizza sauce and 2% skim mozzarella. I can't wait. The best part is, I am not even going to try to figure out how much fat and calories. I don't care. I will probably eat about half and put the other half away. It really is all about moderation. So, that means that this isn't something I could eat everyday, but if I have it once in a while on the weekend and make sure that they rest of the time, I am very aware of what I am eating, I will still lose. And the best part is, allowing yourself a little treat now and then really helps you to not feel deprived. I do not feel deprived at all. I love everything I am eating and I have really shown myself that I can eat good, lose weight and not feel deprived, but that I can feel totally and completely satisfied. And the funny thing is, as I continue to work hard on eating healthy, I have noticed that food does come a little less important to me. I use to focus so much on food. Every where I went, every thing I did, I felt like food was the center of it. I don't feel that way anymore.

Last night I came home from work and all I thought about on the way home was, "When I get home, I have to get the rest of the mulch placed in the gardens." I didn't think about dinner and I didn't feel like I was even that hungry and yesterday when I got home, I realized I totally forgot to eat my 3pm snack. I mean, i don't want to do that everyday, because I usually eat a small amount of nuts and an apple and that holds me til dinner, but yesterday I just wasn't feeling hungry. So, I came home and I worked in the garden til about 8pm. Then for dinner I had a little bit of couscous and a small slice of chedder cheese. I just wasn't hungry.

It just amazes me what we can do when we put our mind to it. For so long, I was right there with so many other people who say, "I just can't because........" and they tell themself some little story that they believe. They don't even try, they make up their minds that they are going to fail before they even try. It's really sad that people don't give themselves more credit. We as people are amazing.....We are so strong and we can do anything we put our minds to.

So, I have one more thing to talk about. It's about keeping motivation. So, I have an excel spreadsheet that I use to document my weight. So, I have each date that I plan to weigh in and when I put it in, it calculates how much I lost. In the next column, I have created a column that says, "Projected weight loss." Basically I set little goals for myself instead of just trying to lose weight and not knowing exactly what I want to accomplish. So for instance, when I first weighed myself on January 3rd, I was 344. Then I thought about how much weight I wanted to lose and the time frame I wanted to do it in. So, I said I wanted to lose 170 pounds in 2 years. If I lose it faster, great, but at the minimum, I will lose it in 2 years. I figure slower is better and It will ensure I keep it off longer, hopefully for good. So, I take the total want to lose and divide it by the number of weeks I want to lose it in. So, two years is 104 weeks. Then I divide 170 by 104 and I get 1.6. 1.6 pounds is what I need to lose a week in order to reach that goal. So, in the "Projected Weight" Column, I subtract 1.6 from 344 and next week, my goal is to weight 342.4. Then I create a formula that subtracts 1.6 from 342.4 and drag that formula down until I get to 104 weeks and see what my ending weight will be, but each week, I will clearly see the goal I have set for myself.

The great thing about this is, it's a great monitoring system. If you feel like you are eating good, and you gain or don't lose 1.6 or whatever your goal is, you know you have to modify something and just know that you will do better next week. When I first started though, the first two weeks I lost like 10 pounds, so I got way ahead of my goal. Then my dog passed away and I feel off the wagon badly. But I did get back on, then I tried herbalife for two weeks which messed me up badly. But once I got off that, which was now 6 weeks ago, I am back on track and right where I am suppose to be with my goal because I have been doing so well, that I have lost way more than 1.6 a week. The really exciting and motivating thing about this is, I can look 4 or 8 or 12 weeks from now and get so excited when I see numbers that I haven't seen in so long and I am so excited to get back there. And when you see it in black and white, it makes it so real and then you understand so well the correlation between eating bad and eating good. Then I think, by continuing to eat healthy, what will this get me??? It will get me under 300 in 17 weeks and that is if I only lose 1.6 a week. I could see 299 on the scale sooner than that. I am both happy about this and ashamed of this at the same time, the fact that I let myself get over 300 pounds. I was ashamed when I was over 250. But I have to stop and not think of that. It is what it is and it's that feeling of shame that got me to where I am. I started feeling shameful about myself weight when I was in High School and I hit 175. And then I hit 185. 190. I was in college when I hit 200 and I felt so bad about myself. I felt so shameful, but the funny thing is, my reaction to shame was to hide and eat. I use to stop at McDonalds on the way to school and eat like 2 or 3 breakfast sandwiches because somehow it comforted me.

I often laugh at that.......The very thing that ruined my life and made me so unhappy and shameful about myself was the same thing that comforted me. I don't get it. But I don't have to. I am over it now. I am an adult. Yes, I am ashamed that I am 323 pounds right now. I am ashamed that I was once 344. But I don't allow myself to feel that because nothing good comes from feeling shame. I have too many things in my life I am tired of feeling ashamed of, some I can't help, it's just who I am.

I don't let shame be a part of my life anymore. As far as my weight goes, I am so proud of myself for finally taking control of my life and my eating.....I am proud of myself for not giving up and working until I found a solution that works for me. I am proud that I lost 20 pounds. And if someone out there is reading this, and it helps them, I am proud of that too.

Be who you are and be proud to be who you are! There is no one else quite like you!!!


All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself. ~Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"