Still Struggling!

I am working to hard to try to get back on track. I am not completely off track, but I am not having as easy a time as I did over the last 3 months. I did have a rough weekend. During the week, I am having an ok time, but on the weekend, I seem to be allowing myself more freedom than I should.

I am not feeling good. I have a lot of stress at work, I just launched my own company, which although exciting, is also very stressful, and just the usual stress of owning and keeping a home. I feel overwhelmed by life a bit and that is causing me to want to eat. I am also extremely tired and fatigued. I am about to make a Doctors appointment because I am nervous about my fatigue since I had mono about years back and I was told I had Chronic Fatigue syndrome. I need to get well because I know while I am feeling like this, I don't want to exercise and without that I won't be as successful at meeting my weight loss goals. I just need to do this already.

Today, my head was so full of so many things, I was thinking I need to start meditation. I was thinking that I don't ever give my mind time to rest. I am constantly thinking about something whether it's work or my new company that I started.

Which, by the way, if you are reading this and you have kids, I have this really cool new product out called Krypto Gear. It's secret messages coded with special symbols on a silicon band like the kids love to wear and they pick out a band to give to their friend. Their friend goes to my website to decode their message. It's really cool. Check out my site.....www.Kryptogear.com. I have gotten such great feedback and all the kids have been loving it. I even get high school and college kids and adults ordering Krypto Gear now too, it's too cool!


And as exciting as all this is, It is also incredibly energy draining. So, I really just need to get to the doctor and do whatever it is I need to do in order to get myself back on track. I know I can do it. It's just a matter of time and getting my act together. I need to meditate once again to clear my head. I think that will help.
I will report on my progress with that and let you know if it helps at all.

I DID IT!!!!!

So, yesterday I blogged about this overwhelming drive and a craving to eat something on the way home from work. When I thought about what I had to eat at home, I wasn't interested. All I could think about was some type of fast food or going to a restaurant to get some yummy there. For 3 months I have worked so hard and I wasn't having any cravings like that, I almost felt like a drug addict looking for my fix. I just couldn't identify what brought this feeling on and this morning, I still don't know where that drive comes from.

But what I do know is that I just focused on driving home. It helped that I didn't have my debit card with me, although I did have a credit card, but because I only use credit cards in the case of an emergency, I was able to resist using it to get food. It was hard and so many times I almost drove into the numerous places to eat on the way home and broke my Credit Card usage rule, but I was able to stay strong.

The whole way home, I just kept thinking of all the hard work I have put in to lost 25 pounds and kept thinking that I didn't want to put it all back on and I had so much more to go. I just thought of all the things I am "Going to Get" when I thin. All the things I will get back in my life if I can lose this weight. I will get back all the things I gave up over 10 years ago to eat and overindulge on food that has brought me nothing but pain and heartache, insecurity and so many other negative things.

I came right home from work and I grilled turkey burgers and corn on BBQ grill. I had some guacamole on my burger and it tasted so great! I had asparagus too!
So, I DID IT!!! I over came my strong urge and drive to eat bad, which in the past I have had a really hard time fighting. I usually give in. I feel so proud of myself this morning and that makes me want to be so victorious today! That gives me the strength and the drive to eat healthy today!

I was just watching the news and they had a little clip about people who have weird eating habits. This one woman has only eaten potatoes and cheese for the last 30 years. Of course, she was very over weight and they show footage of her eating her potatoes and cheese, or french fries and cheese and she talked about the fact that she doesn't eat in front of other people. Well, she was really heavy and I looked at her and thought, how bad people look when they are at that weight. And it reminded me of the negative attitude people have towards fat people. I don't want people looking at me like that. I have pride in who I am, but when I look in the mirror, it's hard to be proud of that! I want people to think good of me, not look at me and say, "Look how fat she is." Now, I am not doing this because of what other people think. I am doing this for me! But I would be lying if others people's opinions didn't matter a little bit.

Anyway, I feel like I am back on track. Last night was tough, but I got through it!
I feel good starting my Friday and looking forward to an active weekend! Can't wait to swim in the pool!

Life is good! SO, today I choose ME!! And I choose to eat yummy, healthy food!

Everything I do is by choice. What did you choose today? - Louise L. Hay

Trying to Tame the Beast!

So, I am having an experience right at this moment that I need to blog about. This very feeling that I have going on inside me right now is the very thing that I have tried to study in myself, have tried to figure out exactly what it is and where it comes from.

As I wrote in my last blog, after about 3 months of success and being able to take of 25 pounds without struggling much at all, I have been struggling for the last 2 weeks. Right now I feel this strong desire, almost a NEED, to eat. I am so hungry right now but instead of craving all the good food I have at home, there is the feeling, almost like a instinctive DRIVE that is making me feel like the only thing that will satisfy me is food from any place other than my house. I can't say that I am craving a certain item, but rather I have this feeling of just want to wrap my arms around and indulge in some kind of food maybe for comfort. Right now, I am feeling a desperate, almost panic feeling and in my mind the only thing that will ease it will be food from a restaurant or fast food place.

I can almost feel a heat or energy coming from the center of my chest. I know that I am fiending for something and I can almost imagine that this is exactly the way a drug addict feels when they need a fix. I have never been a drug addict so I don't know, but I definitely know that this feeling I am feeling right now can only be described as a desperate need. In my head, I am imagining myself desperately driving in the car to get something to eat and then I get the mental picture of sitting there eating it and taking a big sigh of relief and feeling a weight lifted off my shoulders. It's really sick, I know and I don't know what has brought this on.

For a straight 3 months, I was doing so well. I didn't have one time were I felt this drive to need to eat. I was so excited about all my healthy food and was enjoying it so much. I pass two McDonald's and other fast food places on the way home and for 3 months, I didn't even think of those places. I didn't even notice them on my way to and from work. But today, in my mind, I am plotting the location of every single possible place where I can stop. And it wouldn't be a light meal, I am definitely feeling like I want to binge.

But why? What has shifted? Why was I feeling so in control and now I am feeling so out of control? I am trying to pinpoint what is going on in my mind and in my life that would bring on this feeling, this need? It's scary how out of control I feel right now. The only saving grace I have for myself right now is I don't have my debit card with me. I left it home. I guess that is good thing. I just hope when I get home that I can just eat what's home and not be tempted to go out again to get something.

It's a struggle, but I know I can over come this. If it was easy, no one would be fat. Everyone would be skinny. I need to succeed. I just can't stand who I am anymore!

So, I pray, God, please give me strength. Please help me to get through this and stay strong until this feeling passes. Please let me get home and make a nice, healthy dinner for myself that I do enjoy. Please give me the strength to become the person I desperately want to be and take away this curse from me. Amen!

I think some of it might be stressed. I started this new business, Krypto Gear. wwww.kkryptogear.com and I am feeling a little stressed over this, but I can't use that as an excuse to eat. But I have to work harder to try to figure out where this feeling comes from. IT's very frustrating and disheartening! But I know I will get through this! I have to! I don't have a choice!

Remembering the WHY!!!

A while back I wrote a blog on the "WHY" of losing weight. Basically, it was all about the need for me to have a strong reason for why I want to lose weight, and to keep that "why" close to me in order to continue to be motivated and to continue to make decisions on what I am putting in my mouth through out each day. I think the slight "slip" that I had over the last 2 weeks is strongly contributed to not keeping my "Whys" close enough in sight. I think I was so wrapped up in just living my life and running on auto-pilot, I allowed myself to forget all the reasons WHY I want to and need to lose weight.

And everyday, I am finding more "Whys" to add to my list. Of course there are more than just one reason for me to want to and need to lose weight. So, today, the "Why" that I am adding on my list is "To avoid having to have weight loss surgery." Of course, no one HAS to have it, it is a choice, but what I am learning is that more and more people are seeing it as necessity instead of an option. That is very scary to me, as anyone who follows me knows that I do not believe in weight loss surgery. I do have exceptions to this belief of course, for instance, for the person who is 500 plus pounds, or that person that is 800, 900 or even 1000 pounds. People who have gotten themselves in that situation where they are so large, they literally can not move. They are in a very delicate situation and because they probably can only move very little or not at all, it's hard to lose weight on diet alone, especially at that weight. In that situation, I could understand the need for Weight Loss Surgery to help get that person to a more healthy weight. I feel that when people are that big, there is a big risk of death anytime, so anything they can do for themselves to get that weight off is so important.

But here is where I draw the line. Today I was speaking with a friend, whom I have know literally my entire life. She was my neighbor and she was 4 when I was born and we grew up hanging out and through the years have stayed in touch intermittently. Since joining facebook 3 years ago, we have stayed in very close tough.

Today, we spoke and she told me that she was considering having weight loss surgery. I was very shocked to hear it because although she struggled with her weight her whole life, she kept herself at a healthy weight. Since I hadn't seen her in a while, I asked her if she thought she was very overweight. I have seen pictures of her on Facebook, and although it looks like she has gained some weight, I didn't think that she looked like she was at a weight that be such a hopeless situation that she would need weight loss surgery.

She said she was at about 280. Ok, well, that is certainly not a good weight to be at, but certainly not a hopeless situation weight. In my opinion, I feel that people are looking for a magic cure instead of making the commitment and doing it right!

I think in the case of someone who has 150 pounds or less to lose, you can do that on yourself by eating right and exercising. And the question I didn't ask her was, how hard have you tried to lose weight? And when I say TRIED, I mean REALLY TRIED?? Probably not very hard. She said she never exercises, and actually she hates it. And from the looks of her son, who is 13 and is probably way over 250 pounds, she not only doesn't try for herself, but she doesn't try for her kids either!

I don't mean to pass judgment, but it just makes me sad. This friend of mine is going to lose weight because physically her body won't be able to hold a large amount of food at one time. She won't learn about herself, like what drives her to eat, is she an emotional eater, or does she just have bad habits. Does she know what's right, what's wrong, what's healthy, what's not, what quantities? Your not losing weight from behavior modification and learning about nutrition. You are losing weight because physically your body just can't handle the large amounts of food. But because of the type of tissue the stomach is made from, eventually it will stretch, because do you think that when she begins to feel full, she will stop eating immediately? No, of course she won't, because she doesn't do that now. It probably not a change that is even on her radar.

One of the things I have been doing on my journey is to be more in touch with how I feel while eating. I am more in touch with the signals my body is sending and how my stomach feels when I am satisfied instead of eating to the point of gorging myself. So, eventually her stomach will start to stretch and over time she will be able to eat more and more. And although she might have lost weight, she hasn't really made any behavoral changes. She will have all the same habits, she will have all the same struggles, and just like so many, she will put the weight back on.

That is why I am so against weight loss surgery. You don't learn to change yourself.....You don't learn behavior modification and you don't get to know yourself. You probably don't get a chance to go on this journey of self-discovery that I have been on and you don't get to become passionate about all the reasons you want to not just lose weight, but to make serious changes and a commitment to good health. Because I have learned it's not just about losing weight, it's about being healthy!

Anyway, after I talked to her today, it gave me so much motivation to keep going and to always remember my "WHYs" so I never forget what I want and need the outcome to be so I don't have another 2 weeks like the 2 I just had!