The Little Train that Could...............

I have been focusing a lot on my eating strategies, but all along, the main reason I have always failed in the past is because I often find it hard to keep my motivation. I either give in to food, or I get discouraged because I don't see the scale moving or moving down enough and then I get upset and completely give up, and return to my old ways of eating.

Although I have always said that my problem is motivation, I do realize that much of my problem was also about commitment and really wanting it. To accomplish anything in life, you have to really want it.

I have spoken to many people in life who are trying to lose weight and live a healthier life, but often hear them say, "I can't do it." "I just don't have the willpower." "I don't have the time to shop or cook." "It's too expensive to eat healthy." "I had a busy week, I just didn't have the time to worry about what I was eating." So many excuses.....I know, I was the master of excuses. I have used most of these over the years and I believed every word I told myself. Not only did I believe them, but those excuses became my mantra's in life. It was almost as if I was on a mission to show everyone that all those "excuses" were really true. Like I wanted to fail, but I wanted to be justified in my failures. It's really amazing the power our words have. I mean, you can believe anything you tell yourself, and I mean ANYTHING! But as I said, our words have so much power, but most of us don't use our powerful words to say anything positive.

For instance, when we come up with excuses like "It's too expensive to eat healthy". Wow, Really? Well, you are right. Healthy food is more expensive, but how is eating out a lot instead of buying healthy foods and taking the time to cook them up? I know I was. So, I budget my money using a free online budget software called Mint.com. It is actually a product of the company I work for, so I really trust it because I really trust the products we distribute.

But I looked back at an area called "Trends" and this shows me a pie chart of all the categories I have spent my money on for the month. When I look back to January, I spent $388 on groceries and I spent $225 eating out...Just for the MONTH!!! So, I spent a totally of $613 on food! And my grocery bill at $388 wasn't healthy food. Maybe the first part of the month, but the second part of the month was junk food!! and $225 on eating out? WOW!!! That is A LOT!!!

So, although this month isn't over, I have finished all the grocery shopping I am going to do for the rest of the month since we only have 2 days of this month left.

This month, I have spent 496.64 in groceries.....ALL HEALTHY FOOD! Ok, so that is a lot more than the amount I spent on groceries in January, but I only spend $72.64 on eating out this month. For a total of $496.64 total money spent on food.

So, although eating healthy might cost more, over all, I spent $116.36 LESS in this month on food than I did in January. So, what I have learned over these last 3 weeks is that I am really enjoying eating good. I have made some really yummy, tasty foods, I don't feel deprived and although the weekends are still a little bit of a struggle, the way I feel really helps to keep me motivated. I feel so good and energetic. And I still tell myself stories, but I tell myself more happy and positive stories, and I believe those stories instead of the bad ones. Kind of like the Little Train that Could. "I start off with I think I can, I think I can, I think Can and as I get momentum and as I the going get's tough but I grow more determined, I now say, "I know I can, I know I can, I know I can." And I do.....I know that I can do this and I won't stop until I reach my destination.....Destination THIN, here I come!!

The end of a not so successful weekend!

Here we are, 10:13pm Sunday evening. The weekend started out quite positive, but this weekend was once again a big reminder to me that I always need to be on guard, because no matter how well I have my strategy planned for healthy eating, no matter how much good food I have in the house and available, and no matter how good I am feeling about myself or how motivated I am, I always need to remember that I am a very emotional eater, and I must remember that the weather is one thing in my life that can set my emotions off kilter.

As I stated above, the weekend started out very good. I weighed in on Saturday morning and I lost 3.5 pounds this week. That means in the 3 weeks since I have stopped herbalife and have just concentrated on eating for health, I have lost a total of 12.5 pounds. Not too shappy. I was so happy about that. And then I decided to loosen the reigns for myself a little. We ended up going to the mall because it was a cold, cloudy, rainy day. Not typical at all for late March in North Carolina. Normally this time of year we are having highs in the high 60's low 70's and we were very spoiled because last week, almost everyday we hit the low 80's. Then all of a sudden, Friday evening, a cold front moved in and gave us a 45 degree high on Saturday with rain and clouds and today was even colder. I don't even know if we ever hit 40.

That is extremely cold for this time of year. That is actually our typical winter highs. So, we went to the mall and ended up eating in the food court. I ate Stromboli and 2 breadsticks from Sbarro and as I was nearing the end of my plate, I felt sick. I thought to myself, "Why do I eat this crap?" I knew instantly I felt sick. For dinner I did eat the chili I cooked and Sunday was just ok, but I woke up with a stomach ache and I just felt the blues all day. Again, I blame it mostly on the weather, but it made me want to eat bad. Once again, I didn't eat half as bad as I have in the past. There was no fast food (Well, except for the Sbarro), there was no binging, but I just didn't eat as healthy as I have been, I didn't watch what I was eating as close and I didn't eat any fruits or veggies today at all! And when I don't eat those, I feel like crap, as I do tonight. I feel tired, lethargic and just plan bad. I hardly drank water all weekend. I have changed many bad habits and as I always say, it's about progress, not perfection.

So, I guess I have to be happy for what I didn't do and continue to work hard to make more changes. I have to start eating more healthy on the weekends. I have to make sure to eat fruits and veggies and drink lot's of water. But I am actually thankful for a weekend like this. It shakes me back into reality. It is confirmation that I know tomorrow I want to get right back to eating good so I can feel good.

next weekend my goal is to get through Saturday the same way I get through the whole rest of the week. I am doing this despite the challenges I face, but if it was easy, everyone would do it. But I am going to do this this time around. I will not quite and I will not give up!!!! I want my life back and I will fight tooth and nail for it! I am determined. It's the hard that makes it worth it!

Determination gives you the resolve to keep going in spite of the roadblocks that lay before you.
Denis Waitley

Coming to Terms with the Pain of the Past.

I have been dieting for almost all my life. Some periods of my life I was thin, so I was fluffy and for many I have been just down right FAT, no other way to say it. My thinnest weight I ever, I was in High School and I weighed 145 at my thinnest. I would say though that I fluctuated between 155-170. And although I had to watch my weight back then, I didn't pay much attention to it because I wasn't all that interested in food. I mean, I always have loved to eat, but when I think back to my days being at school, I know I didn't eat much during the day, which wasn't good, but it's probably the main reason I was able to keep my weight down.

I really never use to eat breakfast and sometimes I didn't even eat lunch because I didn't have a lunch period because I was in Band, Chorus and Orchestra, so my schedule was full. Some days I know I would bring a small lunch and gobble it down right before chorus started. But I know that food was not my main hobby. I liked to eat, but the things that took up the most residence in my mind was Sports and Music.

Every night after work, I either had sports practice or a game, but either way, I was involved in 2 hours of working out each night. I know I did most of my eating on the weekends, and I never watched or thought about what I put in my mouth (Which is bad because when I was in Jr. High, I went to Weight watchers and lost 45 pounds, so I should have learned to pay more attention to eating a healthy balanced diet). But in any event, I ate what I wanted on the weekends because my weekly eating habits, no matter how poor, counter balanced whatever I ate on the weekends!

But somewhere between then and now, something changed in me. I think it was mostly an issue of self-esteem, but food became my refuge. It became something I did alone mostly, because I wanted to hide what I was doing, and at the same time it was my sacred alone time......Just me and food. It somehow provided me with some sort of comfort, but what it really was, was my enemy posing as a friend. But with every pound I gained, my self-esteem dwindled just a little more. The more that happened, the less I wanted to be social. The heavier I got, the more athletic activities I talked myself out of because all I thought about was how ridiculous I must look trying to Rollerblade or play volleyball. But the truth is, at that time, I was probably 180-190. Still overweight, but not too far gone that I should have given up on myself. I use to LOVE to play volleyball, but when I was in 12th grade, I hit 170 pounds and I ended up giving up playing volleyball because I was too ashamed of my weight and didn't feel like I was agile on the court anymore.

I look back and think what a shame it was that I gave up. What a shame that I didn't take advantage of my Mother's constant generous offers to take me back to weight watchers. If only I had opened up, let my wall down and tell someone how I was feeling. If only I had let someone in to help me, maybe I would have begun my journey of self discovery back then when I was 17 instead of 20 years later when I am now 37. Maybe so many things in my life would have been different if I had the ability to swallow my pride, admit that I was weak and let someone help me. Maybe I would have learned things I have just begun to learn about myself over the past 2 years. Maybe I would have spent my 20's and my 30's thin and still athletic instead of this limiting life I have allowed myself to go on living. I have been keeping myself imprisoned and I have finally grown tired of it.

I should be happy that I am at least doing it now. Over the last 2 years I have been struggling, but these last 2 years have been years of self-discovery. Although I have failed so many times, it's the only time in my adult like that I have made such a commitment to keep fighting to get my life back. I am not giving up this time. I am not dieting anymore, but rather working to change my habits to live a more healthy life. As I have said before, a diet is a temporary thing that you engage in until you reach a specific goal and then the diet ceases. But for the first time in my life, I really understand the meaning of making this a lifestyle change, a permanent change, not a temporary change. And because this is something I need to the rest of my life, I need to set realistic goals, form good habits, but make it a realistic lifestyle. That is the number one most important thing that I need to find out how to do. So far, I think I am being successful. I am not feeling deprived, I am not feeling hungry. I have worked so hard to find foods that I enjoy, but that are low fat, low calorie. I have worked hard to adjust my portions sizes too, which was probably my biggest problem area.

So, in an effort to do this, I have looked into the things I do feel like I am missing out on. Of course, I love fast food, specifically McDonalds, but I have come to terms with the fact that eating that type of food has to be something I do only a FEW TIMES A YEAR. Seriously! It is not realistic to think that I will never again eat fast food, because it is something I enjoy, but I have decided that it is something I am going treat myself to maybe 3 or 4 times a year. I think that is realistic for me. I haven't had any fast food in over a month. I really can't remember the last time I did eat fast food actually, but my point is, I am not missing it. So, as long as I am not missing it, I am not going to force myself to eat it. And what makes me so happy is that every morning and every evening, I pass two McDonalds on the way to and from work and so many times it would call out my name as I drove by. It would be so hard to keep driving the car past it, and many times I didn't keep driving. But I know that lately, I haven't even noticed when I was passing by McDonalds. It hasn't been on my radar at all. It's almost automatic that I drive right by and don't even notice it. That makes me feel so happy and makes me feel like I am being to be successful in the changes I am making.

But, I do know that there are other things I like to eat that I am sometimes beginning to wish I could have on occasion. And I also know that I have been using the weekend to loosen the reigns a little, and while I think this is ok sometimes, I don't think it's ok every weekend. I need to have more control than that.

And like I have said before, when it comes to the supermarket, for some reason I love all the frozen junk food. Like the TGIFriday's wing, cheese sticks, potato skins. I LOVE frozen pizza, Chicken Pot Pies, Totino's pizza rolls and so many other yummy frozen. I don't know why, it's such junk food, but I just love it. So, with the weekend coming, I was feeling like maybe I wanted to give myself a treat. I was at the store shopping yesterday and started to peruse the frozen isle. I was looking at some of my favorite foods and I took a box of Totino's pizza rolls out of the freezer and looked at the calorie and fat content. Well, although I already knew how fattening they were, but seeing the nutritional lable again, there was no struggle, there was no question. There was no way I could put that crap in my body. The whole package had like 45 grams of fat and I could easily eat that in one sitting. That is more fat than I should have in one day, let along one meal. But I knew that I wanted to allow myself a little license this weekend without going overboard. I started to look in the frozen section for some more healthy options. I found one of my favorite frozen stuffed chicken meals. It was chicken cordon blue and I thought that there is no way that this is going to be ok for me to eat for one meal. But when I looked at the label, it was only 250 calories, and 12 grams of fat. Now, I do realize that is a lot for one meal, but I also know that as an alternative for a treat for a weekend dinner, that really isn't bad at all. It's not something I can eat all the time, but having it from time to time really wouldn't be bad at all and it will also fulfill that craving that I have for some good frozen "junk" food without being as bad as some of the other frozen junk I eat.

And this way, I also feel like I am getting a little treat without it being really bad.

So tonight I come to two different conclusions. The first is, the past is the past and there is nothing I can do to change it. I have to let it go and accept that for whatever reason, my life has gone this way for a reason. Maybe God wanted me to have this stuggle so that when I finally beat this, I would appreciate it more than if I did it at an earlier time in my life. Maybe God knows me better than I know myself, and I am sure that is true! And the second conclusion I have come to believe is that working hard to lose weight and become healthy doesn't have to be a death sentence. My life isn't over just because I am not going to eat cake anytime I want, or candy and fast food or junk. My life is going to be good because I am learning that I can eat and enjoy food without eating crap and without abusing it and in the end, as I get back into shape, I will actually be able to enjoy life better because being able to be active in my life is way more important than what I want to eat. McDonalds vs. Hiking 5 or 10 miles to a secluded spot in order to take a picture of a beautiful waterfall somewhere in the mountains of beautiful North Carolina??? Uh, that is a no brainer! I choose McDonalds......LOL....Ok, just kidding!

Of course the more enjoyable and rewarding is the 5-10 mile hike in the mountains. That is going to be the sweetest day and I can't wait for it to come!!! It will be here! Maybe not this summer, but you better believe that is something I am going to accomplish by next summer!!

Thin.....Here I come!!!


You must begin to think of yourself as becoming the person you want to be. ~ David Viscott

Gratitude Prevails!

Sometimes in life we all get caught up in trivial things. We worry about our weight, our hair, our clothes, the car we drive. We all just want to be liked. To be unlike, rejected or to be an outcast is a fate worse than death for some. I know I am one of those people who does care what other people think, although I do admit that when asked about that, I always say I don't care what other people think of me, as long as I know I am a good person acting with integrity, but when I look deep inside, this isn't really true. I guess I am like the majority of people who just want to be liked and respected.

Maybe that is a huge drive for me to want to lose weight. Maybe I feel that not many people, especially at work, like or respect me. I have trouble figuring out if it's my weight, the people I work with or just me, whether I am fat or thin. I will tell you that I do work with a large population of young girls who are extremely into their appearance. I am 10-15 years older than many of them. There aren't many people my own age in my dept. so I am not exactly the person these younger girls seek out to invite out to lunch. And although they are never mean to me in anyway, I just know that I am not on the top of their lists, and I usually write it off to being older and fatter.

But I do want to be accepted. I want to be respected. I always see in my mind how things will be when I am 150 pounds lighter. I see people seeking me out more and I see people a little more popular and better respected at work. I don't know if that is going to be the case, but I have hopes. And then I realize that maybe I don't really care, as I hope not to be working here too much longer and I dream of working with other professionals that are like me and closer to my age. Maybe even a few older co-workers that I can continue to learn from and who are open to being a mentor to me would be a great option too.

Aside from the insecurity that being overweight brings me and the bad feelings that often accompany that, I now have the extra sadness of feeling like an outcast at work, something that is new to me since I came to this job almost 2 years ago. I have always been well liked where ever I have worked and have always had friends at work, but still, that brings me no comfort day to day.

But as I sit here and think about all these feelings of sadness, insecurity, feeling like an outcast, luckily a voice of reason pipes in and says, "You can't judge your worth on your weight or what these people at work think of you. You have to judge your worth on the person that you are, the integrity you live your life with and the way you treat others, and last but not least, you have to live with an attitude of gratitude and not one of defeat."

This is true. I have special people in my life who love me fat or thin, young or old and my worth is not defined by what my boss of my young co-workers think of me, and come to think of it, none of them have really taken the time to get to know who I am as a person. Except for one or two co-workers, I haven't had anymore interaction than a "Hi" as we pass in the hallway, or the interaction of an occasional email to discuss business. To me, if they are judging me on my age and my weight, then that is a reflection of the type of shallow person they are and is in reality no reflection at all on me. I know my heart and I know I am a good person, with good intentions, and I know I am smart and hardworking and I also know that my heart is filled with gratitude.

Although sometimes I get down and feel sad about certain aspects of my life, mostly my struggle with my weight, I can quickly change my mindset over to one of thankfulness. Because although I am not exactly the weight I want to be just yet, I know that is coming soon. And in the meantime, I have an awesome life.

I have a wonderful family, even if I don't always talk to my brothers as often as I would like, I know they care about me and I know that no matter what, they are always there for me if I needed them. I have great friends, and feel fortunate to have met a handful of really good friends since I have moved to North Carolina 3 years ago. 3 friends in particular have become such close friends to me in a short 2 year span and I just feel so lucky to have them in my life. And of course, I have a wonderful significant other who loves me and cares for me so much, I couldn't ask for anything more.

Those are the big things. If anyone can say they have just one of those things, they are beyond rich. I have all 3 and I feel very fortunate. And then there are the smaller things in life, that I feel very thankful to have. A job that I can come to everyday and although at times I feel lonely at work, my pay is pretty sufficient to afford me a nice life. I have purchased a house, and I am so proud of that and realize how lucky I am to have a roof over my head, especially in this tumultuous economic time. I feel so fortunate to have a car that works just fine and it gets me from point A to point B. I have a warm bed at night. I have a love for photography and thanks to my job, I have been able to afford some mid-range photography equipment and I can partake in my passion and that makes me so happy.

I can go on and on, but the point of my blog today is to just remind everyone that although we all may have goals we are working on, we need to love our life today, we just as it is and we need to learn to find gratitude in every day living. For it doesn't matter how much money you have in the bank or how big your house is, and it doesn't matter how fancy your car is, or how expensive your wardrobe is, or how skinny you are. If you haven't learned to be grateful for the things that you have in your life now, when you accomplish your goals and when your dreams come to fruition, you won't be satisfied still because you haven't learned to appreciate what you already had, so how will you know how to appreciate what you get new in your life?

This is something I know I have to keep close to me as I travel on my weight loss journey. I know I can't say, "I will be happy when.........." Because with that attitude, when "When" arrives, you will already be on to the next "I'll be happy when."

Be happy now, be grateful for all you have, your health, your friends, a working body, your bed, your hairbrush (I am not even kidding. Some people don't have a hair brush), because gratitude brings happiness and happiness brings contentment (don't confuse content with complacent....two very different things).

Once you are content, you are at peace and certain things will become an automatic, like your health and well being.

So, everyday that I wake up, I am grateful. My weight is something I continue to work on and I will be happy when I am 150 pounds less and that is because I am already happy today! So today, I choose to be grateful for my life, and happiness comes automatically!

Happiness is not a matter of good fortune or worldly possessions. It’s a mental attitude. It comes from appreciating what we have, instead of being miserable about what we don’t have. It’s so simple – yet so hard for the human mind to comprehend. Unknown

Staying Strong

I believe I am in my 3rd continuous week of healthy eating since I stopped drinking herbalife. I have had 2 weigh in's and so far I lost 9 pounds. 8 in my first week and 1 my second week. But this is the time when things begin to get tough for me. Right around the 3-4 week mark is many times when I give up, get frustrated and return to my old habits of eating bad. This happens almost everytime because I begin to get discouraged by what I see on the scale...Or not see is more like it.

I know that it is completely forbidden to get on the scale midweek, but I have been eating so good and being active that this morning I was excited to see my progress so far for the week. This is where it is so important for me to stay strong and keep on trucking. But when I weighed this morning, I was 2.5 pounds heavier than my last weight in weight. Now, I know weight fluctuates, but after all the good eating I have been doing, and how I have been struggling through the weekends, eating SO MUCH LESS than I have in the past, and to spend 8 hours in 2 days doing strenuous yard work, walking for 20 minutes last night and working so hard to keep healthy, nutritious, fresh food, it is so disappointing to not only see the scale not moving, but to see it going up.

The frustrates me and it makes me feel like just giving up and eating whatever I want. That is something I struggle with anytime I try to lose weight. I would say 85% of the time, the reason I fall off the wagon is because I start to see the scale stop moving after working so hard to eat right and be active.

But this time is going to be different. I am not going to allow this to knock me down! I can't. Even though it feels good somewhere inside to say, "Forget this, I'm eating whatever I want." I know that isn't the right attitude. Because also, I remember that when I made this commitment, it wasn't just to lose weight, it was to get healthy. And even if my scale isn't moving or moving very slowly, I am still working toward better health with all the good foods I am eating.

I won't get on the scale anymore and I will keep pushing ahead this week with all my hard work and my efforts to get healthy, and I will see what the scale says on Saturday morning. And if it doesn't give me the numbers I want to see (All I want is to see them go down, not asking to be 5 or 10 pounds less), then instead of giving up, I will re-evaluate what I am eating and in what portions. Maybe I will just need to make a slight adjustment somewhere to see better results. Falling off the wagon isn't going to get me anywhere but heavier and unhealthy!!

As Albert Einstein so wisely said, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results."

If I gain or lose nothing this week, there is no doubt I have to change something up because that will mean something I am doing is not playing favorably to my anticipated results.

It's all good! I am not letting go! I am going to stay strong.....Whatever it takes!!!

I will leave you with 2 quotes today:

Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain. ~Author Unknown


Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. ~Josh Billings

Stop to Smell the Roses!

I was just reading an excerpt from readers digest. It was written by a woman who had lost all her money from Bernie Madoff and she spoke of the gift she received from losing everything. It helped her to gain new insight and perspective on her life. I find it amazing that someone could lose all their money in such a way and still find a reason to be grateful. That is a very special gift of peace and grace if you ask me.

That is a true example of taking your life into your own hands. We can't control what happens to us, but we can control the actions we take and how we react when things do occur in our lives. She started to look at things differently. She described herself and the society we live in as one that is so busy looking at the next bite, we don't enjoy what is in our mouth. She talked about the desperate need to have that new coat in the store window, even though the last one she wanted so badly has been sitting in her closet for a year, untouched.

One thing she said that hit home for me was, enjoy each day. She said to work hard for what you want, but enjoy what what you have, because after all, when you die, you can't take your money or your skinny thighs with you. She is right. I spend so much time disliking this body that I am in, and so much time wishing I was thin and talking about all the things I will do when I finally lose weight, that I don't pay much attention to today. I don't see the life that is right in front of me.

My life isn't black or white. And what I mean by that is, my life isn't all bad because I am over weight and my life won't be all good when I am thin. I will still be the same person with the same life 100 pounds from now. So, although I do pretty much think I am happy and I work at being grateful for what I have everyday, I do think I need to work a little harder at living in the NOW. Enjoying each day as it comes because there is no guarantee of tomorrow for any of us. Today is all I have, so each day I will work hard on my diet, but not get so caught up in it that I forget to enjoy today, and I will stop hating "Today" just because my pants size isn't what I want it to be. I am still alive, still living and breathing and I have to make the most of everyday.

I am grateful for my life, my family, my friends, my job and I enjoy my life because of all that. Losing weight is something I can do to enhance my life and my health, but it is not the one thing that is going to change everything in my whole life.

I think keeping that idea in the front of our minds as we strive to accomplish anything is so important. One of the things that I feel keeps me motivated is the fact that God gave me a body that works. I am not in a wheelchair, I am not missing a limb, I am not sick and bed ridden. I think taking that for granted is part of what led me to get to where I am now. But I have a gift that many people don't have but would give almost anything to have it. I am wasting a beautiful gift, and so I have learned that I have to enjoy today and be grateful for the body that I have now. Work to improve it, but stop and smell the roses once in a while in the body you have. After all, you just never know what tomorrow will bring! Enjoy what you have today and everyday!!

It's not what we eat but what we digest that makes us strong; not what we gain but what we save that makes us rich; not what we read but what we remember that makes us learned; and not what we profess but what we practice that gives us integrity - Francis Bacon Sr.

My New Jeans!!!

Before my AT surgery last June, I was committed to my health and fitness. I was going to Curves 3 days a week, eating right, getting out hiking on the weekends and everything was going great. My AT was giving me a lot of trouble, but I wasn't letting it stop me. By April 2010, I had dropped almost 25 pounds and I had lost a total of 28 inches all over my body (curves prefers to measure more instead of weighing due to the amount of muscle you gain from the workouts). My lowest weight was 313. I was so very excited to almost be out of the 300's, a weight I had sat at since sometime in 2007

When I think about that, It makes me sick that I have allowed myself to stay in the 300's for 4 years. I fluctuated from about 240-290 from the years of 2000- 2007, way too long to be that weight, but I just could never get it together. But I am no longer letting myself look back........Where was I? Oh yes, I was at 313 in April of 2010 and looking forward to getting those last 13 pounds off so I could once again say I was 200 and something. Not a weight I am proud of, but necessary to get there so I can get back to 100 and something. The last time I weighed in the 100's was my 1st and 2nd year of college. It was all down hill from there.

But once again, I digress. Anyway, I made it to 313 and then I tore my achilles tendon. That put me out of commission for the rest of April and all of May while I waited for my surgery date to arrive. I couldn't exercise and mentally, I wasn't strong. I was so upset by this and so scared to have surgery. I was scared of gaining weight and I tried to keep it off, but my mental struggle was so much harder to deal with that by the time June 4th rolled around, I had gotten back up to 325. Because of my weight, the doctors were nervous about putting me under anesthesia, and so I couldn't have my surgery at the out patient surgery center. They wanted me at a hospital where they had the equipment to bring me back if I happened to flatline during the procedure.

Scary thought to say the least. You would have thought that would have shook me into reality, and it did......For a while, but like everything I have ever tried to use for motivation, it wore off.  Because I was about to spend the next 2 weeks almost completely bed bound, I was so scared about bulking up, so after first, I tried to be real careful of what I was eating. I think I was doing ok, but I couldn't get on a scale to see because I was non-weight bearing on my one leg for a total of 4 weeks. Week 5 I was allowed to begin putting some pressure on my foot with the use of crutches and by week 6 I was allowed to walk in the boot, fully weight bearing, but was not allowed to walk on it without the boot, so still, I stayed off the scale. But somewhere around 5 - 6 weeks, I began to slip and knew mentally, I was very stressed and began eating anything I wanted. I think for the first few weeks, I did ok, as my body didn't feel any bulkier or heavier. But somewhere around week 8, I got on the scale and I had gained 15 pounds. So, now that put me at 340. SCARY!!!!! That did wake me up for a week or two, but eventually I went back to eating bad.

From then to the holidays, I went back and forth between eating bad and dieting, eating bad and dieting on and off, on and off. I started not to feel good. I was tired, lethargic, bloated, and not sleeping well. But I kept going up and down. In the fall, I needed a few new pairs of jeans, as 3 pairs of my old comfy jeans, all developed holes that made the unacceptable to wear to work. So, I headed out to The Avenue to get a few more pairs. My old jeans were a 26 petite and so I grabbed a few 26 petites and headed to the dressing room. Well, to my surprise and misfortune, they didn't fit......NOT EVEN CLOSE! I guess at that point, I was back up to 340. I was distraught, but I pulled up my big girl panties and headed out to get the next size up......a 28 petite. But imagine my displeasure when I could only find ONE pair of 28 petites. I knew I needed more than one pair. Well, right then and there, I knew I had to do something and I realized that I must have stretched out my old jeans, which explained why they still fit.

I finally found one pair of 26 petites that seemed to fit because they were a different cut than the others, but they were tight. I ended up searching, searching and found 2 more pairs of jeans, 26, that I could zipper, although I couldn't breath and I had a major muffin top!

But I knew I had no choice. I bought the one pair that fit and 2 others that really didn't and promised myself I would work really  hard and be in those jeans with in 2 or 3 weeks.

And I did. I worked hard. I still couldn't do much physically, but I really worked  hard on eating right. But it was very short lived. I only wore 1 pair of the really tight jeans. One pair I was never able to get it and still they remain, in my closet with the tags on them. I believe I got myself back down to 325, but as the holiday season (Halloween, Thanksgiving & Christmas) came and went, I found myself getting heavier and heavier again. Then one morning, I put on one of the tight jeans that once fit, but all of a sudden did not. Forget zippering them......I couldn't even button them. Infact, I couldn't even get the button and whole closer than an inch, my belly seemed to swollen. I knew I was in trouble with 2 pairs of jeans, one that fit (The 28) and one that was tight (26) which must have stretched out faster than the other pair of 26's. I was beside myself.

I managed to get through the holidays and January 1st, I set out on a new commitment to myself to get fit. When I weighed in to kick off my new life, I topped the scales at 347. VERY SCARY! That really shook me back into reality. I knew I couldn't go on like that!!! Hitting 350 was completely UNACCEPTABLE!!

I started off strong and in two weeks I lost 11 pounds, but then anyone who follows my blog knows, I got derailed when very unexpectedly, my dog got sick and died. It took me 2 weeks to recover from that. I gained back a lot of the weight, getting me back to 342, but I got back on the horse and I here I am today, down to 330! I am not much thinner than when I bought those really tight fitting jeans, but something told me to try them again this morning.

I thought, there is no way they are going to fit and if they do, I will be so uncomfortable in them all day. But I tried anyway. Well, I am so happy to say that not only did they fit and I could button them with no problems, they feel looser than they ever did. They are not giving me a muffin top and I feel comfortable sitting in them at my desk. I guess part of the reason they were so far from fitting a few months ago was because not only had I gained a lot, I probably had myself to bloated.

Everyday I need to look for ways to stay motivated. I learned that feeling good is not always enough. I need to renew that motivation every day. Sometimes that is hard, but today was exceptionally easy. I feel so good in my jeans, better than I have in a long time, how could I not stay motivated to work hard to keep this momentum going?


Working out in my yard all weekend long helped to keep me motivated too because I did so much physical work and wasn't all that tired, but felt totally energized really helps to keep me feeling motivated too. When I am working hard and being physical, I can almost get a glimpse of the fit athlete I once was. That feeling is so fantastic to me. I can't wait to get all my weight off again and know 100% what it feels like again to feel athletic and alive once again! I know that day isn't very far off!! I will keep working hard until I achieve that goal! I HAVE to, failing is not an option!

Achievement seems to be connected with action. Successful men and women keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don't quit.~ Conrad Hilton     

****The above photo was taken in my spring garden! I have such a passion for photography! If you would like to see more, and would like to purchase some beautiful photography, please visit my photo site at: http://peakdigitalphoto.smugmug.com/

It's Amazing what you can do...........

When you put your mind to it! For so long I have been making this so much more difficult than it had to be. I am not saying there aren't times when choosing to eat healthy are difficult, but for the most part, I am finding it pretty easy. I think getting rid of the whole dieting mentality has really helped me A LOT! Instead of thinking of eating habits as a temporary thing I need to change for a certain amount of time to achieve a specific outcome, I now see what I am doing as not a diet, but truly a way of life......I am making changes and trying to form habits that I intend to carry out for the rest of my life. 

In doing that and thinking that way, it is not realistic to think that I will never taste anything yummy again, or to think that I will never again enjoy any "good" or "tasty" sweet treats or other tasty food. I feel like I am learning to eat healthy, while occasionally enjoying something delicious. So, after a week of really working hard to make great choices, I have to say that I was beginning to feel a little deprived of something savory. Despite the fact that I thoroughly enjoyed everything I put in my  mouth all week, I was craving something sweet and I was craving a splurge of something salty. So, on Saturday, I allowed myself some license. I made myself a waffle for breakfast, a tuna Sandwich for lunch, 1 Reese peanut putter egg  and for dinner, Maggie and I decided to go out and have some Indian food. Then, for desert, we went to Rita's and had some Frozen Custard. Ok, so I allowed myself to not be so regimented about food, and it felt good for the day, but after that, I am ready to get back to eating a little more healthy. And unlike my past habits, although I did enjoy some splurging, it was very controlled. No binging and I feel I ate in moderation.

Another big change I feel I made was not finishing my whole dinner. Infact, I only ate about half of it. And I felt full and satisfied. And I forgot to mention, on Saturday, I worked in the yard for about 3 or 4 hours and today I worked in the yard another 4 hours or so. So , hopefully I worked off anything I ate.

I think the best part, and the thing I feel the happiest about is how much energy I have. When I am eating bad, it is so hard to feel like I want to do anything because of feeling physically bad, but also, mentally, eating bad plays a big role in how you feel emotionally. But eating good gives me so much energy, and I am so happy because there is a lot of work to do around the house but the good news is, I feel like I have great energy to get it done and I can really enjoy it.

A challenge I had this week though was that when I weighed in Saturday morning (That is my new weigh in day now), I only lost 1 lb. I felt a little disappointed by that, but maybe it had something to do with my 8 pound loss last week. I just felt like I worked so hard all week and ate so good and healthy. I shouldn't balk at a pound. I remember my lecturer once saying that a pound was the equivalent  to 4 sticks of butter. When you think about it, that is a lot. Even 5 pounds doesn't sound like a lot, but that would be equal to 20 sticks of butter.......Visually, that is a lot of fat. So, I won't let my 1 pound get me down and I am still motivated to stay working hard. I feel so good, why would I want to ever feel any other way??

For so long, I have struggled to find motivation every day to stay on a healthy eating regime, but it really is amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it. I can do this, I am doing it and I can't imagine anything knocking me off this great path that I am on!!!

"Success is not measured by what you accomplish but by the opposition you have encountered, and the courage with which you have maintained the struggle against overwhelming odds."
Orison Swett Marden

The Momentum Continues!

I keep chugging along, and although it was a little bit of a tough weekend (They always are), I actually come out of it pretty good. I certainly got some good exercise, that is for sure. I don't know what it is, and I am not saying that trying to live healthy and eat right isn't hard work, it is, but somehow I am doing a really great job at keeping my momentum.

I feel so good and again, although I have not yet lost a substantial amount of weight, just eating good makes me feel good in so many ways. I think also, that as the warm weather approaches, this helps me to keep my motivation. I find the winter months to be very hard because of the cold and how it is dark by 5pm. But now that DLS is here, it's not getting dark until 7:30 (well, that is when the sun is setting, so it's dark a little longer after that) and the extended day light really gives me energy.

But with the warm weather rolling in, it makes me want to be active and I can't be as active as I would like to be in with the current state of my body, so I keep the motivation to get this weight off so I can go back to living the life I LOVE so very much. Another thing that is keeping me motivated is that my Photography club is talking about taking a trip to the mountains to photograph some of North Carolina's beautiful waterfalls that they are famous for. I have yet to see a waterfall in NC, but I would love to very much.

But here is the catch.........Once we get there, we have to hike 5 or 6 miles to get to it. That is where I get sad and disappointed. So, I just walked 5 miles for the first time since my AT surgery, but it was slow paced, with lot's of rests and it was on a paved path. I don't think I am up for a 5 or 6 mile hike (Rough terrain in the mountains) with a group of mostly fit people. I just don't think I could keep up. So, sadly, I will miss this trip, but I know they will go again, possibly in the fall. What better motivation than that? That gives me the whole spring and summer to work hard, get into shape and get this AT working back at it's full capacity.

There have been so many times over the past 10-15 years that I have tried to lose weight and I have failed and just ended up gaining more and more each time. I keep trying and I keep failing, but this time is different......I don't know how or why, but I just know it is. I guess I am tired of existing instead of living. I guess I am tired of being content not doing all the things in my life I love to do.

I have an opportunity to play on two different softball teams this spring and guess what? I had to say no to both. I am not physically there. I am just sick and tired of this and I am ready to change my life. As the old Chinese proverb goes: "Fall down 7 times, get up 8." And that is exactly what I am going to do. If I give up because I have failed, that will ensure that I never succeed. But if I keep trying each time I fail, eventually I will succeed, but I have to keep going, I have to keep pushing. I am getting there. I can feel it!!!!

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other.
Abraham Lincoln

HUGE Progress!!

On Friday, Maggie and I took a much needed day off from work and decided to do something fun that we normally wouldn't take the time to do within the limits of our busy life, we enjoyed a day at the North Carolina Zoo. I have been wanting to go, but I have been battling an Achilles tendon injury for at least a year before I moved to NC, and that prevented me from doing anything that required a lot of walking. Looking back, I am not sure why I didn't go to the Doctor sooner. But for a good 3 years, my painful achilles prevented me from doing so many things I loved to do. Not the main cause for my weight, but a huge contributing factor. I would walk on it, but if I walked around for an extended period, I would be in a lot of pain and the next morning would be the worst. It would be stiff and PAINFUL to say the least and I would limp around on it for a week or two until it sub-sided, but any activity over and above normal walking would lead to a great deal of pain. When I did finally go to the doctor, he gave me a sleeping splint that I wore for a full year, but it didn't help.

Then, last April, I ended up tearing my achilles and making it necessary for me to have surgery to repair it. I was very hesitant about it, but really didn't have a choice, as I couldn't walk around on a tore tendon. I had heard so many different things about the surgery's success rate, I was nervous that I was never going to be right.


On June 4th, 2010, I had the surgery and it was a pretty long road to recovery. But this weekend was a milestone for me that I am so elated about! I finally got to the NC zoo and I wore my pedometer so I could see how many steps we walked, as I have always been curious as to how many miles you walk when walking around a theme park. At the end of the day, we have walked 12,000 steps. I looked it up and found out that was the equivilent to anywhere between 5 and 6 miles. Then later on in the day, I read that the NC Zoo has a total of 5 miles of walking paths from one end of the zoo to the other. But when we got to the end, we were so tired from walking around all day, we took the tram back instead of walking back, but that would have been a really long walk back and I think I would have over-done it, as my achilles was a bit tired and worn out from the 5 miles.


But I was so happy to have walked all that distance and only have a small amount of soreness and stiffness. I definitely wasn't in any pain. I was nervous what the next morning would bring, so I made sure to ice my achilles that night. In the morning, I was so happy to find I  had NO PAIN AT ALL!!! A very, very tiny bit of stiffness when I first got up, but nothing like what I use to have. And within in minutes of getting out of bed, I walked the stiffness right off. Then that day, I spent about 8 hours on my feet while cleaning out my garage and I was again worried what two days of intense walking and exercise would do to it. But on Sunday morning when I woke, I was again pleasantly surprised to find that I had NO PAIN!

It  has been 9 months since my surgery and I finally feel like a normal person again. I have been using the excuse for the last 4 years that I couldn't do this or that because my achilles was injured. Even after the surgery, I kept using my achilles as an excuse as to why I couldn't get active.  I kept limiting my own exercise, thinking I could only walk a half a mile or maybe a mile. But here I am, walking 5 miles and not feeling any pain or anything. I guess for so long after my surgery (I mean after the initial 4-6 month healing process) I was afraid to push it because I was afraid to be in pain and I was afraid of re-injuring it, so instead of trying, I used it as an excuse to hold back.

Now that I know I am good, it doesn't mean I still don't have to be careful, but now I know that I can do more than I think I could. Is that always the way though.

This week I had a whopping 8 pound weight loss and on top of it, now I know I can add some good exercise into my healthy eating regime!

This is HUGE Progress for me. Nothing can stop me now!!!!


“Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.”~ Mark Victor Hansen

You are what you say you are, you can do what you say you can do!

As humans, we tell ourselves stories. We worry, we fear, we stress and when thinking about a situation, the majority of us looks at all the possible negatives, or focus on what's hard about a situation and we make up all sorts of stories that we ultimately believe are true. The more stories we create, the more we believe, the greater our failures.....And in some cases, maybe we never even get to the point of failure, because we tell ourselves so  many stories that we believe, sometimes that even prevents us from trying.

Those stories we tell ourselves often look like; "I can't do that because.......", or That will never work because I'm not smart enough, or I'm not strong enough, or because no one likes me, or I don't have enough experience, or someone else out there can do it better so I can never compete. For me over the last 10 years or so, when it comes to trying to lose weight, my story has sounded something like this; "I don't have any will power." "I lack self-control." "I have too much weight to lose and it will take me forever to do this." "I just love to eat too much, I will just never be successful." "I don't like to cook and I am so busy, and I can't lose weight because I need a quick easy option, and fast food is quick and easy." "I am ravenous when I get home from work and can't control myself long enough to eat until my dinner is cooked, I have to snack and binge while I am cooking, I just can't help it." "I am too busy to worry about food prep." "Healthy food costs too much money." "Eating healthy takes too much time and effort and because I work I just don't have the time to eat healthy." "I'm over 30 and my metabolism has slowed down, I will never be able to get this weight off."

I could probably go on and on. In fact, I know I could go on and on, but I think you have the idea. And so when we tell ourselves stories that we believe, we are basically living out a self-fulfilling prophacy. We are creating our reality with theses stories. for instance, I have believed for so long that I just didn't have the time to put together healthy meals. I really thought I didn't have any self control. I have really believed that I don't like to cook or I can't cook. I tell myself a story and I believe it. That is how we create our lives.

So, what would happen if we started to tell ourselves DIFFERENT stories like; "I love to eat healthy. There are so many healthy options available that taste good. Putting my meals together really doesn't take all that long. I feel so good when I am making healthy choices. I have lot's of control because losing weight is something I really want and only I am responsible for what goes in my mouth."

What would our lives look like if we started to tell different stories that motivated us, made us feel strong and powerful and accomplished? Would we believe those stories too? Well, this weekend I had a 2+ hour long conversation with a friend who is in school for Nutritional Coaching. Knowing that I struggle with my weight and am always looking for a way to lose weight, she asked me if I could help her with a homework assignment. I filled out a form that she provided and then she called me and began asking questions. I think the point of her assignment was just to get practice with getting others talking about themselves and for her to learn how to be an active listener.


She did a good job getting me talking, but then again, it's not that hard to get my gums to flap.......I can pretty much have a conversation with a wall. But the point is, in talking, I guess I realized a lot about myself. I was telling her all these stories about myself. Like how I don't have any self control and when I am craving McDonalds, there is nothing I can do to stop myself from going through the drive through. I also said that cooking is hard because I don't like it and I don't have time. Well, this conversation was so eye opening to me, because just listening to myself, I felt so ridiculous after we hung up and I thought back to all I had said. I sound so weak and if there is anything I am, weak is not me, AT ALL! I can do anything I want......I have accomplished so many of the things I have wanted in my life because I was strong and I had a drive and there was nothing going to stand in my way. Well, I began to wonder why I never approach my weight loss like that? Why am I so weak when it comes to probably the most important thing in my life, my health!

Then all of a sudden it hit me......Here I was, trying Herbalife because I told my friend who sells it, how busy I was and I didn't have any time for food prep and how I hate to cook and I need something fast that will stop me from going through the drive through. She convinced me to try the shakes and after 2 weeks of feeling lousy, feeling extremely deprived and unsatisfied and HUNGRY all the time and gaining a total of 6 pounds, without even thinking about it and without skipping a beat, I got right back on a healthy eating plan. I didn't revert back to unhealthy eating and food binges as I so often do when something I have tried has failed.

I had good food in the house and the things I didn't have, I ran out to the store to get them, all this without even thinking about it. It was just something I knew I had to do, the option to eat bad never even crossed my mind. I never once heard myself say, "I can't do this, I don't have will power, I don't like to cook, I don't have time to cook....Blah Blah Blah!" I just did what I needed to do to obtain the result I desire and that desire is to lose weight, to be healthy, to feel more energetic, to give myself my life back to do the things in life I enjoy the most like, walking on a beautiful trail or on the beach, hiking, skiing, going on roller coasters, rollerblading, softball, volleyball, having more confidence while riding my motorcycle as well as other situations, enjoying clothes shopping, being comfortable on a plane, to sleep better, to not stress over whether or not I am going to fit in a seat and so many other things to list here because I would be here all night. I can think of so many reason to get healthy and I can't think of 1 reason to remain in my current state.

And as I was thinking about all this I realized that not only did I go right from Herbalife to my healthy, well rounded and balanced eating plan, I did it so automatically and without any struggle. Today is Tuesday and I just realized that I have been eating great for every meal without struggling at all since Thursday evening. And I also realized this......I don't hate to cook. I actually like it in some form. I mean, how hard is it to bake chicken? How hard is it to make couscous? Microwaving a veggie in my steamer couldn't be any easier. And, my favorite form of cooking (I can't believe I even have a favorite form of cooking), using my slow cooker. I already made turkey chili and it was so YUM YUM! And I already had it for dinner and lunch and I will definitely get at least one more lunch or dinner out of it (Mags is sharing it with me too, that is why it 's not lasting longer....I'm not eating huge portions...LOL)

I still have a purdue turkey breast that Mags cooked up and I have the fixin's for 2  more crock pot meals and I LOVE that for 4 major reasons: Fairly easy to throw together, ready to eat when I get home from work, last for 2-4 meals, and last but not least...YUMMY!!!! You know how I love the Yum Yum!

This last week, I don't feel deprived at all. I don't feel like I am dieting.....That is because I am not. I am eating healthy and enjoying it. I really proved to myself this week that eating can be tasty without being fattening and it doesn't really take all that much effort with a little pre-planning. You just have to know how to cook......Wow, I guess I do know how to cook, and you know what? I like it!!!

This week I feel great. I am sleeping well, I have energy (My Vitamin B Complex really helps with this), even though I haven't lost any weight as this is my first week back to eating healthy, when I am eating good, I already begin to feel healthy and well, light if that makes any sense. When I am where I am right now, I wonder how I ever get knocked off the wagon and go back to eating bad and going on a binge. I feel so very terrible when I am eating that way, physically, but emotionally too. I get feeling so down and depressed and I am so lethargic, I feel lazy and I don't want to do anything but lay there on the couch and rot.

But this week, on top of feeling physically great, I feel mentally great too! I feel happy, and upbeat and I am excited about things in my life. I don't like my job at all, in fact I hate it, but the way I am feeling this week, I even feel better about my job and my boss and actually have felt positive about going to work. I don't feel like I am dieting. On a diet, I usually end up thinking, "How the heck am I going to stay on this long term?" I have felt that with so many fad diets and I felt that way in Herbalife. When I am eating the way I am right now, I feel so great. I don't feel like I am any different that anyone else. I just feel like I am living life and I am eating good stuff, so it's something that is easy to stay on long term. Not just something that I will stick to in order to lose weight, but something that I will continue to do long after to continue feeling healthy and GREAT!!

It really is amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it! You are what you say you are, you can do what you say you can do!

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore,
is not an act but a habit.
Aristotle

No black and white when it comes to losing weight and being healthy!

So It's Monday and I am feeling so much better since I am off herbalife. My friend insists that she has never heard of anyone having these issues on  herbalife ever. She said I am probably allergic to something else, like milk or the soy protein. Ok, I am willing to be flexible and look into that, except, I have been drinking milk my whole life and dairy has never before been a problem for me. She also mentioned that the soy might be a problem for me and although I don't believe I eat a lot of soy, Maggie tells me that there is much soy in many things we eat and we don't even realize it, and I am not having any other problems with anything else.

But something interesting to share......A few years ago, my brother introduced me to the "Eat right for your blood type" diet and it is basically a list of foods that, depending on what blood type you are, there is a list of foods that are highly beneficial, foods that are allowed but are neither highly beneficial, but they are allowed, and then there are off limit foods. For my blood type O+, I am suppose to be mainly a meat eater. I am suppose to primarily eat lean protein, and apparently, my blood type does not digest dairy products well. There is a very small amount of dairy that I am suppose to be eating, but there is nothing in the dairy category that is highly beneficial for me. There is so much more, but I don't want to make my whole blog post about this diet. But it just proves to me that I am not crazy and I am not a wimp for not wanting to stay on herbalife because not only did it not make me feel well, it is very heavy on the dairy and very low on lean proteins, which is the opposite of what I should be eating. Although I don't follow the Type O+ diet to the "t", I do try to be aware of what I am eating and I do limit certain things. Like, I LOVE guacamole, but avocado is off limits to me according to that diet. Well, I don't eat gauc everyday, but from time to time, I do partake of it and I think that is ok because ultimately, I think balance is the key. 

I think this is all about healthy eating there is no black and white when it comes to eating healthy. My Scottish Uncle use say, "Everything in Moderation" (Which always sounded so profound with is Scottish Burr). But I think he hit the nail on the head. I think if you eat right 80-90% of the time, and allow yourself something you enjoy the other 10-20%, that is a good balance. You can't eat all bad all the time and you can't eat all good all the time because you will feel deprived and soon all good all the time quickly leads to all bad all the time, which makes it hard to get back to all good all the time, which isn't even practical or realistic. (wow, anyone else dizzy after reading that?)

Eat Healthy = 80-90%
Sensibly treat your self = 10-20%

It's all about balance! Think in terms of gray, not black and white.......Get the pharse, "I cheated" out of your vocabulary. It's not black and white, it's not your on or your off, it's making good choices the majority of the time and allowing some frivolities a small portion of the time. If you lose control, again, it's not black and white......It's a gray area.....Ok, you went crazy, but just fix it for the next meal and move on. You ate it, it's over and done with, move on and do better next time. Beating yourself up over it will just make you feel bad and may lead to more bad eating and more bad choices. It's so important to forgive yourself, and don't forget to stop and smell the roses......If your rose is in the form of a chocolate bar once in a while, go for it, enjoy it and most important, no guilt!!  

So, one more thing.......I weighed this morning, cause as you know, Monday is my weigh day. The scale told me a sad story......The story was that I gained 2.6 pounds. 3 pounds last week tells me that I gained 5.6 pounds in two weeks of being on herbalife. The moral of the story is, herbalife just isn't for me!

But the really great news is, I am not discouraged. I have been back to following a healthy plan with some great food. I had a great breakfast today, a yummy, yummy lunch (I actually video taped it.....lol...Maybe I will post it here.) and when I get home, I have a great pot of chili cooking in my slow cooker and it's packed with ground turkey, black beans, kidney beans, garbanzo beans, onions, crushed tomatos, a little tomato sauce and some chili powder and other yummy spies. I can't wait to eat that when I get home.

I have really learned over the years that eating to decrease your body fat and eating to be healthy doesn't have to be boring, or plain or yucky or gross or restrictive. I have worked hard to find a way to love what I am eating. The areas I still struggle with are my food addiction, the emotional eating (this is what gets me in the most trouble) and eating to celebrate and not always being able to control my portions when in a celebratory situation. But I am working on it, I am aware and I will never give up!

The other area I really struggle in is the food prep. Not because it's all that hard, because it really isn't. But I get lazy and often times I am busy. Sometimes I just think I have a spoiled brat mentality and I need to put on my big girl panties and get over it. It was pretty easy putting my chili together, and I have all the fixin's for a nice beef stew and I also have the fixins for a turkey sloppy joe, also made in the slow cooker. It's all a matter of making it a priority ad leaning not to be lazy!

I am going to get this weight off and be healthy if it's the last thing I do!!

Two quotes I'd like to end with that have impacted me are;

"Between you and every goal that you wish to achieve, there is a series of obstacles, and the bigger the goal, the bigger the obstacles. Your decision to be, have and do something out of the ordinary entails facing difficulties and challenges that are out of the ordinary as well. Sometimes your greatest asset is simply your ability to stay with it longer than anyone else."

~ Brian Tracy

"Don't be discouraged. It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. "

~ Unknown

Ahhhhh........That's better!

Since Wednesday, I have gotten off the"juice". Today is Sunday and as soon as I stopped drinking the shakes, I felt so much better! When I am eating just good, wholesome nutritious food, I feel so much better. I feel healthier, more energetic, and just over-all healthy. I always feel amazed at the difference in the feeling of my over-all health as soon as I begin to feed my body lean protein, veggies, whole oats and grains and fruits. When I am eating this way, I can really enjoy what I am eating. I am always learning that eating healthy really is not about deprivation and eating gross and bland foods. Eating healthy is about eating foods that are good for your overall nutrition, but learning how to make those food tasty. It has to do with portion size too. I think that is my biggest problem. I always want more, but I am learning.

This week I conquered a big challenge. A friend and I were meeting up Friday night and she suggested dinner. I had already set up my crock pot that morning and when I got home, my dinner was going to be all cooked and ready. So, I made a difference choice than I ever have. I told her that we could meet for drinks or coffee, but that I was going to eat dinner at home. She was good with that. We ended up meeting at O'Charlies and my friend and Maggie both got a combination appetizer plate that I have to say, looked crazy yummy!!! But I knew I already had dinner. I did have a very small taste of potato skin and a taste of a cheese stick and a very small taste of chicken finger. I had one Midouri Sour and then I had Diet Coke. There was also bread on the
table and I am so happy that I resisted it, it looked so good.

Yesterday was a little harder struggle. Maggie and I went to Subway for breakfast and I got a light english muffin with egg whites, cheese, a slice of ham and onions and peppers. It was really good. For lunch I had a sandwhich with cream cheese and jelly, but I had both the cream cheese and Jelly in moderation. Then I ate an apple. A few hours later, I still felt hungry and I started to snack on tostido's and salsa. I def. ate more chips than I should have and then I treated myself to a beer. Then for dinner, we got hero's. I had a chick parm hero and although I was full half way through, the old me came out and I continued to eat the rest and then I ate a black and white cookie for desert. It wasn't the worst, but it def. wasn't the best.

I guess it's about progress, not perfection. I have had some pretty bad weekends, and so although I made mistakes and could have made some better choices, it was def. better than the weekends I have had with McDonalds, dunkin donuts, cookies and good knows what else.

Today I am going to work on making better choices. I am about to go eat breakfast and I am going to have a bowl of oatmeal (Quaker whole oats) and a cup of coffee. For lunch, I have a smart one I have been wanting to eat and for dinner, I am going to have more of my crock pot meal, turkey sausage and sauerkraut.

I am going to get there, I have to get there. I just can't live this life anymore. I want a happier, freer life and most of all, I want to be active! I LOVE to be active, but I have robbed myself of that life. I traded it for food......It's pretty sick if you think about it, so I won't. I will just fix it and get myself back on the right track!

Sensible Eatin IN........Extreme dieting OUT!

A long time ago, at a Weight Watchers meeting, my lecturer said something very groundbreaking in my mind that I will never forget. She said, "At Weight Watchers, we don't teach you to diet, we teach you to live!" Simple as that. And even though I sometimes veer off the path and try my own route, I always end up back on the path that leads me to that one very simple sentence and wonder why I ever deviated from it.

To me, what that means is, as a person with the potential to be heavy, I need to learn to eat, not learn to diet. So, what is the difference you ask? There is actually a very big different, but let's start with Merriam-Websters definition of the word Diet;

1. To eat sparingly or according to prescribed rules
2. A regime of eating and drinking sparingly so as to reduce one's weight

Usually when people "diet", they are doing it to achieve an end goal, and when they acheive that goal, there is the understanding that the "diet" will cease. So, basically, a diet is a temporary event we engage in short term to achieve a specific weight goal. Once we achieve that goal, the assumption is, we go back to eating how we use to. A diet is a temporary state where we deprive ourselves of certain foods we like to eat, swapping them out for lower quantities of lower calorie, less appetizing and less satisfying foods to decrease our fat mass. For most people, this is an unpleasant experience, that they moan and groan through, until either lose the weight or they get tired of the deprivation, lose their will-power, but either way it has the same result. They return to their original way of eating and most often gain back whatever weight they have lost, only to return to the ritual at a later date down the road, to re-live the same experience with the same or similar outcome and the cycle continues. Welcome to the world of yo-yo dieting. We all know what it is, we have all been there!

So, let's return to my lecturer's quote: "At Weight Watchers, we don't teach you to diet, we teach you to live!" 

Weight Watchers doesn't believe in dieting. They don't feel that their program is a temporary solution, like so many other dieting plans are. I know this sounds like a Weight Watchers commercial, but I promise, it is not. I am not a spokesperson, and I am not being paid to say these things, it's just that in my 37 years experience of dieting, I keep coming back to all the lessons I have learned from WW.

What I have learned is a diet, which is a temporary solution to a permanent problem, never works. It never has for me. So, I look back to the times in my life when I have been most successful losing weight, and it is the times when I felt most fulfilled, when I was using all the tools and techniques provided by Weight Watchers. Because that is what they provide. They don't give you a diet to follow, they give you tools and guidelines to healthy eating using all the foods available to you, not only in the grocery store, but in restaurants as well. They want you to LIVE they don't want you to do DIET! Diet is a dirty word and the results of a diet is failure. As the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it, a diet means to eat sparingly or to prescribed rules. And we all know that rules were made to be broken. But what about guidelines? Guidelines are just that....They are sets of advice to help you safely maneuver successfully through a particular action, in this case, the action is to decrease body fat and get healthy. And I stress GET HEALTHY! I think we  have to remember that it's not just about losing weight, but it's about being healthy and that is never a temporary thing.

Weight Watchers has taught me about what foods are healthy, what portions to eat them in, what to cut down on, what to eat more of and what to eliminate completely. The good news is, Weight Watchers doesn't believe in deprivation. They understand that you need at least a little bit of everything, especially things you enjoy. The biggest reason people fail on diets is because they feel deprived. I am so successful when I implement into my life all the tools, tips and guidelines that WW has taught me over the years. When I stop following those guidelines and become extreme in any direction, it results in me gaining weight.

So, where am I going with this? I guess I better make my point soon because this blog is already too long. But my point is this.......I know what works, I know what doesn't. I have tried so many "diets" and I always fail, I don't last long on them. But when I am focusing on eating healthy, in sensible portions, allowing myself to have a few "treats" here and there in moderation, I feel more satisfied and I succeed.  When I have a healthy balance in my life of eating right, exercise mixed with allowing myself to eat out from time to time and have a tasty treat here and there, I feel great, my body feels great!

So, I know this. I have tried it, it works. But I still fail, which has more to do with me mentally and emotionally than anything else, and I am dealing with this, trying to find a fix to that side of myself. But my problem isn't that I don't know what is right or wrong, and it's not about feeling deprived.

So, can someone tell me why I gave this up to try Herbalife? Now, I am not going to put herbalife down because there have been a lot of people who have been successful on this plan. I think the most important lesson here is knowing yourself. And what I know about me, liquid diets just don't work. I guess there are those out there who don't mind drinking their meals, but after a straight week of doing it, I am done. There is no way I would ever be successful long term. For me, it's just not realistic. I have no doubt they are really healthy for you, but in order for me to be successful losing weight, is to find something that is sensible and easy to do for the long term. Something that doesn't require that you follow a strict regime. I can totally get that some people need a strict regime to succeed.

But for instance, next weekend I am going to the beach for the day. I will most likely get up and have a shake for breakfast. I do enjoy it at that time. But in the afternoon, what am I going to do for lunch? Am I going to bring my skim milk and ice in a cooler, bring my blender to plug into the cigarette lighter and blend up a shake right there in the parking lot? No, absolutely not. So, now, technically, I am "off my diet". Now I face a situation where I am not realistically able to follow my plan and I fail for that day, because most likely I will be eating out for dinner too and now I will have the guilt of "messing" up twice for the day, then I feel like I failure and I have all these guilty feelings. It's not good. But by abiding by Weight Watchers guidelines for healthy eating, I know that I could always get a salad with some light dressing or oil and vinegar on the side, or I could get subway or some other healthy option, there are a lot out there, and thanks to Weight Watchers, I know how to find them and what to look for. I feel satisfied because I had the experience and joy of getting to eat out, but I also feel victorious because I made good, healthy choices that don't leave me feeling guilty and bad about myself and I feel full and satisfied. Then for dinner, maybe I can allow myself to splurge, or choose to find a healthy menu option for dinner as well. Then maybe for desert to treat myself, I allow myself to have some frozen yogart, or GASP.........a small candy bar.

I think when we are looking to decrease the amount of fat we carry around on our bodies and want to become healthier, we have to become more realistic about our intake and our lives. We have to find tools and techniques that work best for us and fit best into our lives.

So, after a week of doing Herbalife and feeling unsatisfied, hungry and deprived after wok, feeling ravenous when I get home, and having a hard time sticking a good, healthy dinner, I came out of the week with a 3 lb weight gain. So, today, I decided to go back to old reliable. This week, I am still having a shake for breakfast because I do like the shakes and it satisfies me for breakfast, but I need to have solids for lunch and dinner. Today I ate a banana as a mid morning snack, then I ate about 4 - 5 ounces of chicken breast (I didn't measure it, I have just learned from weight watchers what an appropriate portion of chicken breast looks like) with some BBQ sauce for flavor and about a half of cup of watermelon. I also had a green salad with low calorie, low fat, low sugar dressing. It was about a tablespoons worth of dressing. I don't know if it's psychological, but I feel satisfied after eating my lunch. I feel a lot different after lunch than I did last week.

This is more realistic for me and I don't know why I gave up on it. For me, I don't do well with a strict regime and boundaries, where I do realize others need that. I appreciate a little more freedom and with many of the things I have learned, I know how to make meals yummy and enjoyable. I have learned to use spices and seasonings to make my foods yummy and I have found delicious options that keep me satisfied. I have proved to myself that lowering your caloric intake to lose weight doesn't have to be synonymous with bland food and deprivation. When I am eating healthy, I have some of the yummiest meals and the only reason I stray from this is because I get lazy about preparation. That is the one area I continuously fall short on. I need to work on that, but I am not giving  up. I will never give up until I succeed!!!