Coming to Terms with the Pain of the Past.

I have been dieting for almost all my life. Some periods of my life I was thin, so I was fluffy and for many I have been just down right FAT, no other way to say it. My thinnest weight I ever, I was in High School and I weighed 145 at my thinnest. I would say though that I fluctuated between 155-170. And although I had to watch my weight back then, I didn't pay much attention to it because I wasn't all that interested in food. I mean, I always have loved to eat, but when I think back to my days being at school, I know I didn't eat much during the day, which wasn't good, but it's probably the main reason I was able to keep my weight down.

I really never use to eat breakfast and sometimes I didn't even eat lunch because I didn't have a lunch period because I was in Band, Chorus and Orchestra, so my schedule was full. Some days I know I would bring a small lunch and gobble it down right before chorus started. But I know that food was not my main hobby. I liked to eat, but the things that took up the most residence in my mind was Sports and Music.

Every night after work, I either had sports practice or a game, but either way, I was involved in 2 hours of working out each night. I know I did most of my eating on the weekends, and I never watched or thought about what I put in my mouth (Which is bad because when I was in Jr. High, I went to Weight watchers and lost 45 pounds, so I should have learned to pay more attention to eating a healthy balanced diet). But in any event, I ate what I wanted on the weekends because my weekly eating habits, no matter how poor, counter balanced whatever I ate on the weekends!

But somewhere between then and now, something changed in me. I think it was mostly an issue of self-esteem, but food became my refuge. It became something I did alone mostly, because I wanted to hide what I was doing, and at the same time it was my sacred alone time......Just me and food. It somehow provided me with some sort of comfort, but what it really was, was my enemy posing as a friend. But with every pound I gained, my self-esteem dwindled just a little more. The more that happened, the less I wanted to be social. The heavier I got, the more athletic activities I talked myself out of because all I thought about was how ridiculous I must look trying to Rollerblade or play volleyball. But the truth is, at that time, I was probably 180-190. Still overweight, but not too far gone that I should have given up on myself. I use to LOVE to play volleyball, but when I was in 12th grade, I hit 170 pounds and I ended up giving up playing volleyball because I was too ashamed of my weight and didn't feel like I was agile on the court anymore.

I look back and think what a shame it was that I gave up. What a shame that I didn't take advantage of my Mother's constant generous offers to take me back to weight watchers. If only I had opened up, let my wall down and tell someone how I was feeling. If only I had let someone in to help me, maybe I would have begun my journey of self discovery back then when I was 17 instead of 20 years later when I am now 37. Maybe so many things in my life would have been different if I had the ability to swallow my pride, admit that I was weak and let someone help me. Maybe I would have learned things I have just begun to learn about myself over the past 2 years. Maybe I would have spent my 20's and my 30's thin and still athletic instead of this limiting life I have allowed myself to go on living. I have been keeping myself imprisoned and I have finally grown tired of it.

I should be happy that I am at least doing it now. Over the last 2 years I have been struggling, but these last 2 years have been years of self-discovery. Although I have failed so many times, it's the only time in my adult like that I have made such a commitment to keep fighting to get my life back. I am not giving up this time. I am not dieting anymore, but rather working to change my habits to live a more healthy life. As I have said before, a diet is a temporary thing that you engage in until you reach a specific goal and then the diet ceases. But for the first time in my life, I really understand the meaning of making this a lifestyle change, a permanent change, not a temporary change. And because this is something I need to the rest of my life, I need to set realistic goals, form good habits, but make it a realistic lifestyle. That is the number one most important thing that I need to find out how to do. So far, I think I am being successful. I am not feeling deprived, I am not feeling hungry. I have worked so hard to find foods that I enjoy, but that are low fat, low calorie. I have worked hard to adjust my portions sizes too, which was probably my biggest problem area.

So, in an effort to do this, I have looked into the things I do feel like I am missing out on. Of course, I love fast food, specifically McDonalds, but I have come to terms with the fact that eating that type of food has to be something I do only a FEW TIMES A YEAR. Seriously! It is not realistic to think that I will never again eat fast food, because it is something I enjoy, but I have decided that it is something I am going treat myself to maybe 3 or 4 times a year. I think that is realistic for me. I haven't had any fast food in over a month. I really can't remember the last time I did eat fast food actually, but my point is, I am not missing it. So, as long as I am not missing it, I am not going to force myself to eat it. And what makes me so happy is that every morning and every evening, I pass two McDonalds on the way to and from work and so many times it would call out my name as I drove by. It would be so hard to keep driving the car past it, and many times I didn't keep driving. But I know that lately, I haven't even noticed when I was passing by McDonalds. It hasn't been on my radar at all. It's almost automatic that I drive right by and don't even notice it. That makes me feel so happy and makes me feel like I am being to be successful in the changes I am making.

But, I do know that there are other things I like to eat that I am sometimes beginning to wish I could have on occasion. And I also know that I have been using the weekend to loosen the reigns a little, and while I think this is ok sometimes, I don't think it's ok every weekend. I need to have more control than that.

And like I have said before, when it comes to the supermarket, for some reason I love all the frozen junk food. Like the TGIFriday's wing, cheese sticks, potato skins. I LOVE frozen pizza, Chicken Pot Pies, Totino's pizza rolls and so many other yummy frozen. I don't know why, it's such junk food, but I just love it. So, with the weekend coming, I was feeling like maybe I wanted to give myself a treat. I was at the store shopping yesterday and started to peruse the frozen isle. I was looking at some of my favorite foods and I took a box of Totino's pizza rolls out of the freezer and looked at the calorie and fat content. Well, although I already knew how fattening they were, but seeing the nutritional lable again, there was no struggle, there was no question. There was no way I could put that crap in my body. The whole package had like 45 grams of fat and I could easily eat that in one sitting. That is more fat than I should have in one day, let along one meal. But I knew that I wanted to allow myself a little license this weekend without going overboard. I started to look in the frozen section for some more healthy options. I found one of my favorite frozen stuffed chicken meals. It was chicken cordon blue and I thought that there is no way that this is going to be ok for me to eat for one meal. But when I looked at the label, it was only 250 calories, and 12 grams of fat. Now, I do realize that is a lot for one meal, but I also know that as an alternative for a treat for a weekend dinner, that really isn't bad at all. It's not something I can eat all the time, but having it from time to time really wouldn't be bad at all and it will also fulfill that craving that I have for some good frozen "junk" food without being as bad as some of the other frozen junk I eat.

And this way, I also feel like I am getting a little treat without it being really bad.

So tonight I come to two different conclusions. The first is, the past is the past and there is nothing I can do to change it. I have to let it go and accept that for whatever reason, my life has gone this way for a reason. Maybe God wanted me to have this stuggle so that when I finally beat this, I would appreciate it more than if I did it at an earlier time in my life. Maybe God knows me better than I know myself, and I am sure that is true! And the second conclusion I have come to believe is that working hard to lose weight and become healthy doesn't have to be a death sentence. My life isn't over just because I am not going to eat cake anytime I want, or candy and fast food or junk. My life is going to be good because I am learning that I can eat and enjoy food without eating crap and without abusing it and in the end, as I get back into shape, I will actually be able to enjoy life better because being able to be active in my life is way more important than what I want to eat. McDonalds vs. Hiking 5 or 10 miles to a secluded spot in order to take a picture of a beautiful waterfall somewhere in the mountains of beautiful North Carolina??? Uh, that is a no brainer! I choose McDonalds......LOL....Ok, just kidding!

Of course the more enjoyable and rewarding is the 5-10 mile hike in the mountains. That is going to be the sweetest day and I can't wait for it to come!!! It will be here! Maybe not this summer, but you better believe that is something I am going to accomplish by next summer!!

Thin.....Here I come!!!


You must begin to think of yourself as becoming the person you want to be. ~ David Viscott