Dodged a Bullet.....This Time!

Before I started my new Herbalife diet, I wanted to go to the Doctor to get a physical so I could get a baseline of my health starting this so I could see how my health improved over the next few months. I was concerned about getting my blood test results because at 337 pounds, how good could they be and I was scared that I have abused myself so much that all my numbers would be elevated to be at extremely high risk. 

3 years ago was the last time I had any blood tests done and at that time they were concerned about me because, not only was on a maintenance medication for high blood pressure, my fasting glucose level was 100, which they told me is almost in the pre-diabetic range and my triglycerides were at 300 and they which is extremely high. I think normal range should be less than 150. I believe the blood sugar should be below 90. My good and bad cholesterol  levels were all in the normal range, which was good, but they told me if I kept on going like this, in 5 years I would be diabetic and God knows what other  health conditions I would have.

At that time, I was about 310 or so. Now, at 337, I was extremely concerned with what the results of this bloodtest was going to be. So, this past Saturday, I went to the Dr. and she drew blood and gave me an over all physical. She lectured me about my weight and the importance of losing weight for my health and she also told me the dangers of diabetes on my health as well as other illnesses obesity brings about. I guess she also was expecting my blood tests to come back very bad.

Well, Tuesday I received a call from my Doctors office asking me to call them to discuss my results, although a little nervous, I think I was somewhat relieved that she didn't want me to come in an make an appointment. But I wasn't sure, maybe she was going to tell me over the phone that things weren't good and for me to come in asap. But when I called back, the receptionist delivered my results and aside from low levels of Vitamin D, all my blood work was in the normal range! WOW! I was shocked. I asked about my fasting glucose levels and she told me it was 83, which was really good. I asked her about my triglycerides which were previously at 300, now they were down to 122. I was really shocked to hear but happy to hear.

So, I still started herbalife because a healthy way of life is always a good thing and I see this as a second chance to get healthy before I get really sick and start having major health problems. I am so thankful for this news. But I do have to say that I think I know what contributed to this. I think it was some changes I had made as I adhered to the suggestions from the weight watchers core program.

Some of the big changes I have made are, I have cut out a lot of the enriched flour products, like white breads, pastas, basically I have cut way, way back on all the "bad" carbs and although my weight has increased and I have not been successful in losing weight, I have tried to stay active (As much as my achilles tendon allowed before I tore it and a lot less since my surgery, but slowly getting back there) and I although I do have the occassional fast food craving and binge, it's not something I do anymore on a regular basis. I think when I first moved to NC 3 years ago, we were partaking many, many times in Dairy Queen ice cream and hitting a lot of fast food joints. I definitely have cut out the frequency of those things. I have also tried to cut out sweets as much as possible. Again, I do indulge on occasion, and when it happens, it does happen in the form of over-abuse, but for the most part, I have tried to eat healthy on a regular basis, like lots of lean meats, veggies, whole grains, and beans. I have tried to cut down on the amount of processed foods I am eating, so when I am eating home cooked meals, they are not pre-packaged meals, but rather meals made from fresh ingredients. I still have a lot of weight to lose, but I feel encouraged to keep going and put just a little more effort in. Because if the few changes I have made are enough to have my blood work come back as normal as it did, then imagine what I could do with making a few more changes and learning to stick to them a little stronger.

I dodged a bullet this time, but I better get my butt in gear because the next time, I may not be so lucky!!

Embarking on the Next Journey

I just watched the documentary "Super Size Me" that came out in 2004. I always knew that fast food was not good for you, but it was very eye opening to see actually how bad it was. To see a 32 year old man, Morgan,  in above average physical shape become to sick with in 30 days and gain 24 pounds in that time was really shocking. Not even his doctors thought it would impact him that much. What was most surprising was how Morgan claimed that after a couple of days of eating McDonalds, he actually began to crave it. The Doctors said his body was having the same reaction to whatever was in McDonalds food that a drug addict has. That is crazy. He also experienced depression, which went away temporarily while he was eating the food, but would return again shortly after he finished his meal. At one point he said that he felt really depressed, but he had no idea why. He claimed that everything on his life was going great and that there was no reason for him to be depressed, but that he couldn't shake this very down and blue feeling he was having. He experienced lethargy, and sexual disfynction.

 The scariest thing was  how he began to have heart palpitations and when he went to the cardiologist, he was actually very concerned and told Morgan that he didn't think he should continue with the diet, that his health had been affected so much already that he could risk permanent damage or death if he continued. At that point, he only had 6 more days to go, but the meals were that unhealthy and the health affects way too serious a risk, but Morgan continued anyway. After it was done, they said it took him 5 months to lose 20 pounds and another 9 to lose the last 4.5 he had gained, but I believe he did return to his original health, but they stressed the importance of his detox diet that his Girlfriend prepared for him. She was a vegan chief so she was able to prepare him extremely healthy food to help get him back to his health.
 

It was really very eye opening for me because I do eat McDonalds often. I go through periods where I don't eat it at all and then I go through periods where I eat it A LOT and have often said that if I eat it once, I get it on the brain and I crave it and I NEED to have it and then I go through a McDonalds binge that takes me sometimes a few weeks to get off of. Now, I don't eat it everyday during those times, but I have been known to go through phases where I eat it a couple days in a row, resist it (And I stress RESIST because I am fiending for it) for a couple days, then have it a couple days and the cycle continues. I have written before how there are times where I am eating bad and it is so hard for me to get back on the wagon. I want to eat good, and I feel that I can no longer stand bad food. I actually am craving some good food, but yet there is the craving for McDonalds and that over powers my craving for something good. It's like my body wants the good food, but psychologically, I am addicted to the bad food and the psychological addiction wins out. I have often wondered what was wrong with me, but I do feel better after watching this because this was proof to me that it's partically the food itself (Or a chemical in the food) that is highly addictive.

I have also experienced the bad mood swings and everything else. When I am eating like that I feel the saddest, the most depressed, the most tired and lethargic. As soon as I can get off that stuff and get eating more healthy, I start feeling so much better. It's crazy, it really is that food like that can be so addictive.

So,to get to the meaning of the title of this blog, my friend is a nutrition counselor and  she sells Herbalife, which are nutrition shakes that you drink 2x's a day and have one sensible meal a day. There is a tea suppliment that goes with it along with other suppliments, but I am just doing the shakes and the tea. The shakes are really yummy and I am looking forward to starting. I was going to start on Saturday because I went to the Doctor to get a fasting blood test to get a base level of my health before I start. I am going back in 6 weeks to get another blood test to see how things have improved. I am hoping by eating these shakes they can help me lose weight and just get that jump start I need. Knowing that I don't have to make much of a choice for meals is really helpful for me. I have to get better with meal prep, but I am not that good and I need something that is fast and economical and takes the thinking and the work out of it for me.


But definitely after watching SuperSize me, I really don't want to eat fastfood anymore. I am sure there will be times that I will, but right now it really turned me off it. And when you think about how addictive it is, I need to really work hard for the next 3 months or so to completely detox from the bad foods.....The fast food, the sugar and all the sodium I consume. I really really need to make a change. I can't stay like this anymore for so many reasons. I mean, I want to be thin. I want to have my life back and I want to be able to do all the things I love to do which I am allowing my food addiction to rob from me right now, but most importantly, it has become a matter of life and death for me now. I have to lose weight or I am going to Die. So, I say to myself; Eat or Die......Make your Choice!

BE STRONG!!!

Be Strong, Be Strong, Be Strong! That is my mantra for today. This morning I walked into work and there were BAGELS and cream cheese in the breakroom. Although I have already eaten my breakfast this morning, I immediately thought, "Yum Bagels, I wonder what kind are in that bag...Maybe an everything?" And then I immediately got a hold of myself and thought, "What are you doing? Why is it the moment you see food, right away you feel the need to partake and any thoughts of a healthy eating regime are completely forgotten. It scares me that my thought pattern wasn't more along the lines of; "Oh Bagels, they look good, but since I already ate this morning and I am trying to lose weight, I won't have any." It scares me that I have such a one track mind.

The good news is, I didn't eat any. I got my coffee and water and I promptly left, but of course not before I peered into the bag to see what was in there and then from the outside of the bad, I grabbed a bagel to squeeze to see how soft it was (I grabbed through the bag so I wouldn't touch the bagels with my fingers). They were so soft and I wanted one so bad, but I did resist. That I am glad for.

I seriously thought about having one but then I did finally remember that I am so unhappy in this body and I really want to make a change. I want to go back to being fit and athletic, I remember so vividly how good it felt to be thin and in shape. I want that back and I know I can do it. I feel so bad about myself and so insecure about how I look. I know people judge me. Especially at work, I know people look down on me. I know they don't value me or my work, they just see me as the fat girl and there are so many stereo types that go along with being fat, like that we are stupid, lazy, and smelly. I am none of those and I don't like being judged that way, but I know then that I need to get my act together and let show on the outside the girl I really am on the inside. It's a shame that people have to be so cruel and judgmental.


But all that really matters is I did not give in to temptation. I was successful in that. Each success along the way, no matter how small, is a victory. Little by little I will get there. I know I can do this and I WILL!!

It's a Miracle!

Although I have been way off course with my healthy eating, I still weighed in yesterday. My philosophy is that I don't want to stop weighing. For one, my weight totally gets away from me when I stop looking at the scale. It's so easy to be in denial about your weight and the relationship to that and the food you put in your mouth. And second, it's kind of a reality check for myself. I guess my #1 & #2 reasons really relate back to one another. I just don't want to get out of the habit of weighing in because I think then, I totally forget the fact that I am working towards something.

 So, yesterday morning I weighed in and believe it or not, I lost 3 pounds! I don't know how I did it! I have been eating like crap! I ate McDonalds like 3 times last week, I had lot's of donuts, cookie, bugels, cheese doodles and Buffalo Wings dipped in ranch dressing and blue cheese. I just don't get it. 
 
I just really wish I could get on a routine of eating well and not having to focus so much on my food. I just want to not have to put so much thought into my food and my eating. Sometimes I drives me crazy and I get frustrated and I just end up wanting to give up. I need to find a way to have balance in my life when it comes to food. First of all, I have to stop viewing eating as an actual event. Eating isn't just something I do to fuel my body, it's an experience for me that I relish in. Eating should be as inconsequential to me as going to the bathroom. Just a routine thing that I must do to service, but I do it, it's over with and I move on to living the rest of my life. Right now, eating is a MAIN event in my life, and I have to change my attitude about it. After all, the process of going to the bathroom is this.......I get the urge, I stop what I am doing, take no longer than 3-5 minutes tops to do what I need to do, and then I go back to concentrating on what I was doing prior to getting the "urge".  I know this might be a weird event to relate eating to, but I think you get the point. 

The way I want eating to be is, I get a hunger pang in my tummy, I stop what I am doing, grab something nutritious like an apple or a banana or walnuts or something, and then I go back to what I was doing. Meals  have to take a little longer, and need more of my attention, but I should just cook, eat, clean up and be done with it. I just enjoy eating so much that I want it to be a big event. I think about what I want, I think about where I want to go to get it, I think about the person I want to share that experience with. It's all about having a menu in front of you where you have the ability to order almost anything you want, anytime you want it. 

I really need to start using my slow cooker book more to find yummy recipes that we can put in the slow cooker, set and go. When we come home, we will have an all inclusive meal waiting for us! Yummy!

I Think I'm Pretty Intelligent!

I wasn't the best High School Student, and I wasn't even the smartest in college, although I did manage to graduate college with a 3.5 overall GPA, so I obviously did something right. And I do consider myself a pretty intelligent person since I am an Instructional Designer/eLearning developer for a living (For those who aren't familar with that discipline, it basically means I am a computer programmer for lack of a better explanation).

 So, since I think I am so smart, can someone please tell me why I can't seem to make the connection? And by connection, I mean, why can't I seem to get it through my thick skull that the more I put into my mouth, the more weight I am going to gain? Why can't I make the connection that when I eat Hot Wings, and Donuts and Cheese Doodles and other related crap, that I am not going to see a decrease in my weight on the scale.


Maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe it's not about intelligence at all, but maybe it's really all about emotion. And I think emotions are harder to control than intelligent thinking. When did I become such an emotional eater? When and how did I decide that I was going to trade my life for the company of food, because that is exactly what I have decided to do for the last 20 years. Although, it hasn't been this bad for the last 20 years. I began to gain 20 years ago, but it's been a severe problem for me for probably 10-12 of those 20. I could have gotten it under control many years ago when I only had 40, 50 or even 60 pounds to lose, but I remember being in that place thinking that was SO MUCH WEIGHT to lose and how am I going to lose it? I just found a picture of myself when I was about 20 and I remember thinking back then that I was SO FAT!

 I didn't want to be seen in a bathing suit and I didn't feel comfortable in shorts. But when I look back at the picture, I now see myself as thin. I think I was about 190 in that picture, which was too heavy for my height, but I was in no way fat the way I am today. And maybe if I had a different image of myself back then, I wouldn't have been so critical of myself. I wouldn't have thought I was so OBESE and I wouldn't have felt so bad about myself. Because, it's the feeling bad and the self hatred and the self depreciating thoughts that make me feel bad about myself and for some reason, which I still have not been able to figure out, I turn to food when I am sad. I turn to yummy, tasty foods that make me happy. The lesson I have yet to learn, regardless of how intelligent I am is, these foods aren't really making me happy, they are making me fat which is making me very sad. That is making me feel bad and unhappy. So, when I am feeling bad, what I really should do is take a walk around the block, grab my camera and go out and take some beautiful pictures. I need to work on finding other ways to bring happiness to myself when I am sad because turning to food is just not cutting it.

Not only did I eat bad all weekend, I encouraged Maggie to eat bad too, which wasn't right of me at all. I should be helping to support her. I know she wants to lose weight and I want her too so she can be healthy. But all I am doing is contributing to her weight gain and is that really what I want to be remembered for? No, not at all. I have so many reasons to lose weight, and no reasons to stay fat, but yet somehow when I am "on the hunt", food seems like my only friend, the only thing that will make me happy. But food is really my enemy camouflaged in a Dunkin' Donuts Boston Creme Disguise. 

I just have been so very sad since losing my Sampson. I miss him so much and I realize now that he is gone, how much happiness he brought me. I was on such a great path with my weight loss and losing him just put me in a tailspin I can't recover from. I need to though, because although his life is over, mine is not. Hopefully, I have many years to go and I want to enjoy my life. I love the outdoors! I love to hike, camp, kayak, swim as well as participate in team sports like Softball and volleyball. Their is actually a dodge ball team here and I would love to join, but I never would be cause of my weight. I love amusement parks, which I also haven't done in a while because of my weight. I have to stop allowing food to dictate my life. I have to take the controls and navigate my life to a happier place, which is one of health (physical and mental) and Fitness!!!!

I have to re-create my vision board and display it in a place where I can see it everyday so each morning I can remember all the reasons why I need to make the right choices today! As a start, on my blog today, I am posting a picture of a beautiful wooden kayak that I took a picture of while I was in Ocracoke last October. I hope to have my own kayak on day very soon! 

So, I will go back to my original thought of, "I think I am a pretty intelligent Person". So, if so, why do I allow food to win time and time again?

I am still not giving up! I am going to beat this! 175 pound......Here I come!!!!