Simple and to the point!

I don't have much to say today, except for some reason I feel FABULOUS today! I was just walking down the hall to go to the bathroom and I felt so exhilarated and confident and felt it was easy to walk with my head held high. I usually make a point to always walk tall and confident, but sometimes I really have to work at it. Today, it came to natural to me and I realized part of the feeling was that I felt thin today. Funny thing because physically, I am not yet thin, but I feel good, I feel healthy, I felt light on my feet. I feel like I am on my way to reaching my goal! 

Each morning and each night, I read aloud a list of positive affirmations. They say it takes 21 days to make something a habit, so for 30 days, I am going to continue to read these same affirmations over and over until I convince myself that they are true. I think it's beginning to work already. I know it probably sounds silly, but for some reason I feel good. Maybe it's my clothes and maybe it just simply the effect of Positive Thinking and working hard to eat right and exercise. 

I'm choosing the latter! This is why keeping your thoughts positive is so so very important. If you are not saying positive affirmations each day, you definitely need to begin! 

"Today I am going to overcome all my food related challenges"

"I am beautiful and talented"

"I am healthy and happy"

"Today I have an excess of energy".......and so on and so forth! ;-)

"You must begin to think of yourself as becoming the person you want to be." ~ David Viscott

Using Humiliation as a Motivator

I am still working very hard toward my weight loss goals. I am reading over my goal every morning to refresh it in my mind and I am also reading my positive affirmations every morning as well. My goal is read them at night too, but I haven't been as good with that, as I am usually very tired at night and I have been going right to sleep, but I think I will put a note on my alarm clock to remind myself to read my affirmations. I know they are helping and they definitely help me continue to feel confident and excited about my goal.

When I weighed in on Friday, I lost 4.2 pounds. My goal was to lose 3.5, so I did better than expected. But, the weekend was a tough one. I ate out twice on Friday and then twice on Saturday and Sunday I laid around all day and I didn't have a square meal. I kind of snacked all day, which wasn't good at all. At least I had that 3 mile hike on Saturday, but I know I ate more calories than I should have.

Normally, I would be so angry at myself and telling myself how stupid I am for not working harder to be better, but that doesn't accomplish anything. It just makes me feel worse. So, instead, this time I told myself that I am human and humans make mistakes. I told myself to forget about it and move on. Dwelling on it isn't going to change what I did. But what it will do is keep it fresh in my mind and make me mad at myself, which in turn will cause me to eat emotionally out of control. So, I put on my big girl panties and Monday morning I got right back with the program. I ate great and I went to curves last night and burned 668 calories!!

I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS!

I do have a challenge coming up.....and it isn't really a food challenge, but rather a mental challenge and a pride challenge. A friend of mine asked me to go with her to see a musical at a local theater. I want to go so bad, but I almost said no because I am nervous that I might not fit in the seat. I hope that isn't the case, but I am a little scared about it because of my recent incident at the Hockey game......I did not fit in the seat at all....But neither did my friend who was with me who is like a 100 pounds lighter than me, so I think for some reason the seats in that section are smaller, but it really made me self conscience about other seats. Well, I am excited about the show, but inside, I have this feeling of dread that I am going to get there, go to sit down and not fit. Sadly, this takes away from the excitement of the evening. I would be so humiliated in front of my friend if that happened. So much to the point, that I am not sure I would be able to look her in the eye again. But I am trying to get past that. I also called the theater to ask how wide their seats are. Hoping the answer will calm me a little.

So, strangely, I welcome challenges like this in my life. These are the moments that make you so uncomfortable that you know you HAVE to change! Without these moments in life, what would be your motivation to want to change and be more healthy? You would fall into a comfort zone and when you have a 150 pounds to lose, you should NEVER feel in a comfort zone or you will lose your motivation. So, although I am nervous about it, I welcome this. It is also a huge motivation to keep me eating healthy this week and getting my butt to Curves!

It's all good! I feel motivated, I feel strong! I feel successful and I feel confident!


"Instead of giving myself reasons why I can't, I give myself reasons why I can." ~ Unknown Author

No one said it would be easy.

So, I know I can do this and I want to win this fight so very bad, but just because I made my mind up not to whine and complain didn't mean that this was going to be easy.

Today, I am feeling blue and that is never a good combination when you are trying to lose weight. But instead of doing anything productive today, I chose to sit around and watch TV all day. Another thing that is not good when you are trying to stay motivated to lose weight. I know that I have to keep busy to keep my mind off food.

The good news is, I hiked 3 miles yesterday. My Achilles tendon is screaming today, but at least I met my goal this weekend.

This is not easy, it's never going to be easy, but I know I can do it!!

"The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in a person's determination."
Tommy Lasorda

Keeping Things in Perspective!

I try to live in a constant state of mind to keep a positive outlook on my life and the world around me. As we all know, being human, this is sometimes difficult. It is especially difficult for when I feel I am unsuccessful at my weight loss efforts. I get so down and discouraged and sometimes want to give up so bad. Sometimes I just feel that I want to be locked in a room for the next year and just have someone feed me bread and water through a slot in the door.

When I feel this way, it makes it very difficult for me to keep my positive attitude and stay on my plan. Usually what happens is, I get angry and all pissed off at the world, I cry and then I hit a drive-thru somewhere and completely go off the deep end by ordering enough food for a family of four.

Of course, this doesn’t make me feel better, it only makes me feel worse and I continue to beat myself up and tell myself how awful I am and how I will never succeed in this weight loss battle. I spend the evening moping and feeling miserable and I tell myself what a horrible failure I am. But inevitably, something always happens to make me realize how silly and ridiculous I am acting and I somehow find the strength and motivation to go on again and continue to fight the good fight.

Today, I had an amazing experience with a new co-worker who I haven’t had the good fortune to get to know very well until today at the water cooler. You hear about people’s water cooler stories all the time, but until today, I have never had one of my own.

Our conversation started out pretty casual and plain and somehow migrated to her telling me about her two sons and how they both were afflicted with a type degenerative muscle disorder and was told by doctors that they would not live past the age of 3. They are about 2 or 3 years apart, so I imagine having a toddler with this fatal diagnosis while you give birth to another child born with the same horrible disease must be extremely taxing on a person’s soul. My co-worker spoke of how challenging it was, but at the same time she spoke with extreme joy over how grateful she was so say that they had both outlived the predicted impending fate of the doctors, one of her boys now being 19 and the other one 21. And I noticed the sheer pride in her eyes, mixed slightly with a tear when she spoke of how, even though both sons were imprisoned in a motorized wheelchair and had very little, if any use of their extremities, had strong wills and motivation, as one was currently a computer science major and the older son, previously the valedictorian of his undergrad class, was now in pursuit of his Master Degree in Physics.

I stood there in awe as I listened to her speak and of her sons accomplishments, despite what I consider to be a major life obstacle! If anyone had a reason to come up with a million excuses as to why they could not succeed in life, it is these two boys.

And even as amazing, my co-worker told me how difficult her life has been in caring for these two boys, while her and her husband both needed to work in order to subsidize all their medical needs, while still having to provide for their family just like any of us. But in the midst of all this, my co-worker overcame her own challenges, and although she dedicated an exorbitant amount of time caring for her boys while working full time, still found a way to fulfill her dream of continuing her education. Her dream was to become a University English professor, which she did successfully for many years, until she realized she wanted to spend more time writing, which is how she came to work at the same company as I.

But even more amazing than the fact that she worked hard to continue her education, was that she didn’t just stop at a BA, or her MA, but she worked all the way to earning her PhD!

All this while working full time and talking care of two boys confined to a wheelchair and could not even brush their own teeth.

The story of this amazingly strong woman and her courage and motivation and that of her boys’ despite all their obstacles has really touched me in a way that I have never been touched before.

After hearing this story, I know that there is NOTHING that I can’t achieve! There is NOTHING that I can’t do. When I think of her story and think about all my ridiculous antics surround my weight loss, I am so ashamed at myself. I have the strength to do this. If she has the courage and strength to accomplish all she has in her life and if her boys have the same courage, strength and motivation, surely I can be successful at accomplishing a little thing like weight loss. Surely, a piece of cake or a couple of little pieces of chocolate or a Big Mac and fries are not powerful enough forces to really knock me off my feet and throw me off course! I know I am stronger than that!

I am grateful for my hour with her this morning because although maybe it’s a bit dramatic to say that she has changed my life, I almost want to say in all seriousness that she has. It is so easy to get caught up in the trivial concerns that are life, some really are big but many of the things we get upset over, really are small. Like the story I have of another co-worker, who brought cup cakes into work and got extremely upset over the fact that the person who took the last cupcake didn’t put the lid back on the container. Really? Are these the things that should really be of concern to us? Are these things in life that really matter that we should be wasting a second of our time dwelling on and being mad about?

But I know that after talking to her and knowing that there are many others out there who have great hurdles to overcome and are successful at overcoming them, it gives me great confidence in knowing that I am no different and although my struggles may not be as big as some others, they are still struggles that I need to learn to overcome and prevail over to prepare me for bigger struggles ahead so that I can have more success in my life. I always say, the bigger the hurdle, the bigger the success, but if you can’t get over the small hurdles, you will never come face to face with the big hurdles.

I know I can do anything. The idea of meeting my weight loss goal of 3.5 pounds a week is something I am going to continue to work hard at and I know it will be a breeze, but most importantly, I have learned not to make a mountain out of a mole hill, that even if I fail one week by not making my goal, it’s not the end of the world. I just need to pick myself up, dust myself off and keep going! No tears and no self deprecating talk anymore; it’s really not that serious! This is small in the scheme of many things in life and so I am just going to put on my big girl panties and DO IT!

People Obsessed with Food!

So, I am at work right now and just went to the break room to make myself a cup of Green Tea. Well, a group of people came along and almost trampled me and I didn't realize why until I got into the break room......there was food GALORE! A big meeting just let out and all the leftover food is in there. Well, I did look over the selection, but I was a good girl and moved on to get my tea.

But it just struck me so funny how obsessed people get about food. And there were probably mostly skinny people in there and very few if any (Besides me) fat people. We really do live in a society completely centered around food. It was like being in the middle of a wild animal stampede. People were hovering all over the food and people were rushing in to grab the food before it was gone.

The way people were acting about the food you would think they haven't eaten in a month. I just had a good laugh for myself and thought, "No wonder why people in this country have a weight problem." Look at the emphasis we put on food. 2 months ago, I would have been right there along with them, but I just want this so bad for myself and I realize there is always an excuse or an occasion to eat and at some point I just have to draw the line and say NO! I was tempted because there were amazing looking chocolate chip cookies, but what stopped me was my germaphobia issues.....thank God for it!!

I looked at the food and just pictured all these people touching it with their dirty hands and then putting it back to pick up a different one. Then I thought about the fact that the food sat in a room all day with people I don't even know and all their germs that could have been floating around in the air, landing on the food. Then I pictured all the additional germs it picked up by sitting in the break room from all the people currently hovering over it. I was pretty grossed out and so it was easy to pass it right by.

On my way back to my desk, I saw the HR Director and she and another lady who were headed to the break room. They looked at me and said all excitely, "Did you get anything to eat? There's great stuff in there. Better get it before it's gone!" I just smiled and said. "Yes, looks good." Then I laughed and thought once again to myself, what funny creatures we are.

We have an abundance of food...We can pretty much have anything we want whenever we want it, but look how crazed we get still over food. I know this is something that is very deep rooted in me and I guess many others. Food has played a major role in my life. It was the main focus on holidays and having a big family, it was the main event at many family get togethers and always used as a way to celebrate. Life was always centered around food. So, my challenge for myself is learning how to break that pattern and say, "Ok, so there is food.....big deal."

I am working on it. I don't know if that will ever go away, but I can sure as hell try. I can at least learn to get it under control. It really isn't an option for me at this point.....Just one more thing that I HAVE to do to give myself the life I deserve!

These are the Days!

These are the days that make it difficult for me to want to stick to my weight loss goals. I am feeling really emotional right now about something that has happened at work and it is making me feel like F@%K IT! I just need to eat.....I am trying to figure out why I want to turn to food when I feel like this?

Why don't I instead have the urge to run 10 times around the block, or go to the gym and break into a dripping sweat.....No, instead, Visions of Bic Macs and Donuts are dancing in my head.

I want to go get food and bring it back home and hide away from the world and be mad, angry, sad or whatever I am feeling, all alone....Just me and my Nacho Cheese Chalupa, 2 Mexi-melts and cinnamon twists. WHAT IS THIS? What makes me feel this way? I mean, I know why I feel this way, but why is this my instant reaction the moment that I am feeling stressed out by life? intelligently, I know that eating isn't going to make it all go away. I mean, for the moment I think it does, but when I am done, I know I will still be stressed, but then my stress will be filled with feelings of remorse for eating the things I did, followed by thoughts and feelings of, "I am not good enough." or "I don't deserve to be happy, healthy, thin."

Well, I am happy to say that I am having some sort of break-through right now because even though I am feeling upset by today's events and I want to stop at every drive-tru on the way home and just eat my way through the evening, I am not going to do that!

I made a commitment to myself and for 15 years, I have let myself down. I am done disappointing myself. I know that there is something better for me out there than this "job" I come to everyday, but I truly believe I won't find it until I find myself. I bought a little book for myself and I have written down my long-term goal, my short-term goal and my plan for achieving my short-term goal, which in turn, will directly result in me achieving my long term goal. I am going to read it over every morning to remind myself and I also have a page full of positive affirmations that I am going to say every morning when I first wake up and every night before I go to sleep.

So, to recap the goal I set yesterday; To lose 150 pounds by January 14th 2011. In order for me to achieve that goal, I have to lose 3.5 pounds a week for the next 52 weeks and I HAVE to go to curves a minimum of 3 days a week and I have an extra goal set to hike each weekend at least 2 miles.

I am not going to get to that goal by eating and stuffing my face with all sorts of "bad" foods in an effort to self-medicate. Instead, I am going home, getting in my workout clothes and going right out to Curves to do my 30 minute work out, where I will easily burn 550 calories or more.

One of my favorite people at Curves, Ruth, will be there tonight and she always has a way of making me feel good about myself and motivating me to work hard. That is what I really need right now. Someone to remind me how awesome I am because my boss just tore me to shreds and stripped me of every piece of dignity I had left in me. Funny how people do that....Funny what other people's egos can do to our own egos.......But that is a different blog for a different time.

Right now is the time for me to pick myself up, dust myself off and not base all my self-worth on what my boss, who hardly knows me and is not involved in my day to day work, has to say about me.

Chinese Proverb, "Fall down 7 times, stand up 8." That is one of my favorite quotes! So simple, but it's so easy to stay on the ground when you feel you have been knocked down. But today, I am not staying down! I want this too badly to give up! I am standing back up.

And by letting myself get derailed by someone like her is giving her a lot of control over my life, now isn't it? And we all know, the only person that has control over my life is ME!!!! NO ONE ELSE!

VICTORY HAS PREVAILED TODAY!

The First Day!

My blog is entitled, "The First Day", even though today isn't anywhere close to being the first day. It is probably more like, the 3,650th day.

I was thin and athletic in High School and one fine day, I decided to let go of everything in my life that mattered to me. I gave up on life and myself and over a 15 year period, I proceeded to gain a total of 175 pounds. I began at about 145 pounds, so you can do the math.

I have tried to lose weight over and over and for some reason, I always end up giving up.....on my diet and on myself. I have been a member of weight watchers more times than I care to remember. I have heard so many people say that diets don't work. I think they are right....Diets don't work because the word "Diet" suggests a temporary state of presence. One of the reasons I have always been allured by weight watchers is because they have taught me about how to eat for life. They have taught me that this is a way of life. They don't believe in temporary solutions.

But let me not get ahead of myself. This blog is not about weight watchers or any diet plan. This is about me making a promise to myself to commit to a healthy way of life. It's not just about eating less calories. This is about eating more healthy foods and exercising. This is about being heart healthy. This is about being mentally healthy again.

I took my life away. Now I am going to give it back. Then, I can get back to being the girl I once was. The girl who had a voracious hunger for life and adventure. I am living in the shell of someone who is dead, but somewhere inside, that girl who had so much energy for life is in there somewhere, alive and full of zeal! Over the next 12 months, I will dig and work hard to find her and bring her back to life again!

I can't wait to remember what it is like to be alive!

To begin this journey, I have already taken some critical steps. My eating habits are a struggle for me every single day. I know what is right and wrong to eat, but I don't always have the willpower to do the right thing. But I am trying very hard. A friend of mine once shared this quote with me, "It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not." ~ James Gordon

This hit me like a ton of bricks! How badly do I really want to change my life? I want it bad! That is why back on November 5th, 2009, I decided not only to work on eating more healthy, but I decided to strive for a more active lifestyle as well. I joined curves! That was a turning point for me. I have been going 3 times a week for a little over 2 months. And so far I lost 7 lbs and 14". to me this is a success because this was over the holidays when I normally would have gained 10 lbs for more. But I know now that because the holidays are over, I can lose a lot more than just 7 pounds in 2 months. I am striving for at least 3.5 pounds a week.

I am on my way. But I know that there will be struggles along the way. But ultimately, I know that I CAN do this! I can do anything I put my mind to! In the words of Nike; "Just Do It!"

Dale Carnegie, one of the most amazing motivational speakers that has ever lived, has put something amazing into my head that helps me get through each day. Because although I want to lose 150 pounds, I can't look at the big picture, as it is too scary. He has taught me to, "Live in day tight compartments." I will live for today and will make no more excuses. My new way of life starts (Continues) today! There is NO TOMORROW! Tomorrow never comes. And "Someday" is the 8th day of the week, which also never comes!

I have to do it for TODAY and today only!

So, here I go. Today, I officially begin my quest for a healthier way of life and I begin my journey to shed this "coat of armor" that is holding me back and preventing me from living my life.
The count down begins. 361 days from today, I will have lost 150 pounds!