Fumbling and Losing Ground...............

   Ok, so I fumbled and I lost some ground. Last week I gained 1.5 pounds. Not the worst thing by any means, but along with that fumble and weight gain, I feel my attitude slipping. I was feeling to good, so healthy, so energetic. But although I am back to eating healthy, I am just not getting that good, energetic, healthy positive feeling back. It is around this time in every go-round with my diet that I begin to doubt that I am even capable of losing weight. I know that weight loss slows down after 30 and at 37, I can completely feel that it is not as easy to lose weight as it once was,  but I also thought the heavier you are, the easier it is to shed weight when you begin to significantly cut back on your calorie intake. I begin to feel frustrated. I got on the scale this morning and I was up to 340.....How is that possible? When I weighed in over the weekend and had gone up 1.5 pounds, that put me at 334. I believe that weigh in was Saturday. Ok, so I ate bad that day and on Sunday, but bad enough to now have gained 6 pounds?

I think the most frustrating thing for me is, the weight, although may come off pretty quick the first week or two, I find that my 3rd week and more into a diet, things slow down significantly for me. I also find that the weight comes on a lot faster too. Like the 6 pounds it seems I have gained from Sunday to Wednesday because of what I ate Saturday and Sunday. I wasn't even that bad. I didn't binge, I just ate a little more than I normally would if I was adhering to a healthy eating plan, but certainly not enough to gain 6 pounds. When am I going to learn to stay off the damn scale anyway? I should only be getting on it once a week. Will I ever learn this lesson?

So, along my  journey, there have been many things I have been trying to learn how to overcome. I think I have found a lot of answers for myself on many things and have changed habits for the better, but the one area I am still struggling with is this; I spend a week or two eating really healthy, adding in some exercise, I see great results on the scale. I'm so on fire! I am so motivated, I feel like I could lecture anyone on how to lose weight and stay motivated. I am feeling so much hope for my future and can SEE myself as a thin person in the near future. I have a GREAT 3rd week, and I can't wait to get on that scale and see my results. I step on and...........OOOOOOHHHHHHH NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! How is this possible?

I look at the scale either I see that I have lost .25, or I stayed the same or......Gasp!!! I actually managed to gain a pound! I feel deflated, angry, defeated, hopeless! How do I go on?

How do I recover from that? I have a very big behavioral issue here.....I act out like a little kid who didn't get there way, stomping my feet saying, "This isn't fair!!!!!!" and then I do what any bad kid would do, I decide the only way to survive this is to rebel! I'm not going to waste my time doing this anymore, I am going to eat whatever I want! If I am going to gain weight anyway, I might as well do it enjoying something I like to eat!

Obviously, this is not a mature way to act and certainly not a good solution to this dilemma. But sometimes this is exactly what happens. There are times that I have pressed forward and over come the dreaded 3rd week and stay strong to my plan and have the same or similar results the next week. Leaving with this hopeless feeling of despair that makes me believe I am not capable of losing weight and I am going to be stuck like this the rest of my life with no hopes for a better life. So, I give up and go back to my old, foolish ways, gain back any thing I have lost plus some extra friends that have joined them. I go back to feeling bad, down, miserable, tired, unhealthy and lethargic, thinking there is no better way until one day I just can't stand it anymore, I become fearful of my health. forget about the bad feelings my past attempts have left me with and I am motivated to try again, promising myself it will be different this time! Then, the cycle begins all over again.

Well, how do I stop this from happening? This time I am going to try. I am in my 4th week of this current attempt and although I have had a few days of falling off the wagon, I am hanging on by a boot strap. I have not fallen off or given up yet. I am still working toward my weight loss goals, but I can certainly feel my grip becoming weak. But this time, I DO NOT want to hang off the side of the wagon, only to be dragged along in the dirt for 20 miles, before I no longer have the strength to hold on, eventually letting go and giving up.Only to arrive back to a life that I completely despise. There has to be some hope for me!


This time has to be different. I feel like I am so unhealthy I could die any minute and I certainly do not want that to happen. I have not given up yet, although I have slipped, but the this is the one area where I still need to find a solid solution to keep me motivated and on track regardless of what the scale is saying. I need to find another measure, in addition to the scale, that shows me that I am making progress. And as I write this, I know I have the answer, but I think I don't want to think about it, but I must. The answer is Curves. They don't focus on the scale as much as they focus on measurements. Last year when I was working so hard at curves, the scale only showed an 8 pound weight loss from November to January, but the tape measure showed me that I lost a total of 25" cumulative all over my body. So, that story told me that I was gaining muscle and toning up. I was losing fat, but I was also gaining muscle that was preventing me from seeing the exact results from a scale. I know that I have to get back to curves, but that is another struggle for another day!

Somewhere Over the Rainbow - There is a Wonderful World!

                                                                                                                               01/19/11

This blog today is dedicated to the memory of Sampson, my beloved Doggie! I will never forget you and will love you always!

It’s been a little more than 2 weeks since I re-motivated myself and renewed my commitment to myself to get healthy and fit. I had reached an all time high of 344 and that is just completely unacceptable. I was feeling so horrible, mentally, physically, emotionally and nothing fit except for sweats and a big old sweatshirt. I knew I needed to do something fast. Aside from wearing too tight clothes to work for a week and feeling just bad, on January 3^rd (Monday) I embarked on a healthy lifestyle of eating the right thing, in the right portions. In a few days, although not any thinner, I began to feel like a completely different person. I was sleeping better, not having acid reflux as I slept, had more energy during the day, slept better at night, felt a little less pain in my knees and my foot and I was motivated to keep going. The first week I weighed in, I lost 5 pounds. That motivated me to keep going. I didn’t even have any “cheat” days. The 2^nd week, I was feeling just as good. I was drinking lot’s of water and the only aspect I had yet to add was the activity. My knees just felt very vulnerable and I thought it would be better to get some weight off before I tax my knees more than they needed to be. But the 2^nd day into week 2 I ran into a problem. My 7 year old dog became very ill and had to go to the emergency vet. From Wednesday night to Saturday morning, his condition steeply declined and for Wednesday night, and Thursday and Friday, I was so upset and worried and scared I would lose him. On top of it, Friday was my Birthday and there was a party to be had (Well, we cancelled the party, but two close friends were still coming over to be withus) with lots of goods to eat, including a very delicious Ice Cream cake. A double whammy for someone who eats out of emotion, regardless of whether it’s celebratory eating or sadness eating. Eating is eating and it has the same outcome……FAT PRODUCTION!

It was hard, but I managed to control my eating on those days, even though my inclination was to eat out of control as comfort until I learned my dog was better and coming home. But sadly, that day didn’t come. My dog didn’t get better and he didn’t come home. On January 15^th 2011, at 10:30am, Sampson died due to complications associated with IMHA.  I was distraught. What was I going to do? I LOVED that dog almost more than life itself. He was my best friend, my constant companion. I know dogs don’t live forever, but I thought he would live more than 7 years. I just couldn’t believe my little black and tan dog with the floppy ears and tail was gone. It just wouldn’t sink in. And in true Debbie fashion, I turned to my other best friend….FOOD. I had decided that I was going to eat whatever I wanted for the rest of the day because poor old me had lost my dog and I deserved to eat whatever I wanted. So, instead of waiting until Monday morning to weigh in and see a gain from what I was about to do, I decided to weigh on Saturday, record my progress and go on my 1 day binge. Well, I am happy to report that in my second week, I lost 4 pounds, but, as it turns out, because of being upset over Sam, I didn’t eat anything all day which I realized at about 3pm that afternoon. I know at that point I did eat something, but to be honest, I have no recollection of what that was. I do know though that I did eat some left over ice cream cake, 2 cup cakes and some potato chips and dip and some cheese doodles. I don’t remember us going out to get anything. I am pretty sure I just ate what was in the house and as I remember, despite what I ate, I remember thinking that I am sure I didn’t surpass my daily caloric intake and any excess I took in, surely I burned it off with all the crying I did on Saturday.  

On Sunday, Maggie and I decided we should get out of the house and not spend the day inside, but I still decided that it was my right to eat what I wanted and that surely it wasn’t fair to take away my right to eat yummy food after just losing my most beloved dog. These are the area’s I have to learn how to control better. It’s not so much the decision to “eat bad” for the day, as is the aftermath of such an event. Because I am a self-identified food addict, I was trying to practicing abstinence for what I was calling a 30 day detox from sweets and “bad foods”. I was doing so well and this event just sent me toppling. We headed off for a day trip to Pilot Mountain, but first we stopped at Dunkin Donuts and I got a cream cheese bagel and two donuts, Boston Crème and a Jelly donut. I ate it all. For lunch, we stopped at Hardee’s and I had the a big burger with bacon & cheese and I also got fries. Of course I ate the burger in its entirety and I ate a good amount of Fries despite the fact that I didn’t like them. Why do I do that? Then, before we got on the road to head back home, we stopped at Mcdonald’s and in my grief, I justified a Vanilla cone. I almost ordered two apple pies, but I must be learning something because I decided that wasn’t a wise decision. All that time, with every bit I put in my mouth, all I could think about was how bad I was feeling prior to January 3^rd, emotionally, physically and mentally and how my clothes didn’t fit (And currently are very tight) and thought about how good I was feeling in just two weeks of feeding my body the ever efficient fuel it needed to burn to work at its optimal fat burning and calorie burning status. Even though I ate badly, I have to say that for the first time ever in my life, thinking of these things while thinking of eating bad did help me to eat a little less and helped me stay more conscience of what I was putting in my mouth.

After Sunday, I had full and complete intentions of returning to my healthy lifestyle, but it was Martin Luther King day, I was off from work and I was still grieving over Sam, so I gave myself another day to eat bad. The truth is, once I let myself loose like that, it is very hard for me to get myself back. But here is some good news. I made waffles for breakfast, which isn’t the worst thing in the world. I can’t for the life of me remember what I ate for lunch. I am thinking nothing, but I am sure that I snacked a little on some of the left over party goods, like cheese doodles and potato chips. But around 2 or so, Maggie and I talked about going food shopping. I asked her if she wanted to get Bo’s for lunch and of course, she said yes. But as I sat there, I realized that my body really didn’t want that. My mind was trying to convince myself that I wanted it because I was in the mindset that I was “Allowing” myself to eat bad, so I should, but in truth, I knew I didn’t want it, so why was I going to force myself to eat bad just because I gave myself the license to do so? I told Maggie I was going to go shopping and come home and have something healthy for dinner. She agreed she wanted to do the same. We set out with good intentions, but when we got to the food store, the Chinese restaurant in the shopping center, it just smelled so good and neither Maggie nor I could resist. After shopping, we went and ordered General Tso’s chicken. Delicious, but very fattening. Oh, I almost forgot to mention the fried rice I got with mine and the fried dumplings. Yum! But oh so bad. So, I tried, I was aware and I failed. But what was scaring me more than anything was the thought that in 3 days, I could completely wipe out any and all progress I made in the previous two weeks and I was so mad at myself. I worked so hard to lose 9 pounds. Was all this food really worth it? Was I enjoying it that much that it would be worth losing all the progress I had made? Was it worth it to go back to not fitting in my clothes and feeling even worse about myself than I had been feeling? The other thing that scared me was the thought of not being able to take the control back and eat healthy. What if it didn’t end after these three days? What if I kept eating out of control and I gained back the 9 pounds, plus much more. What if the next time I finally got the control back and “Re-commited” to my healthy lifestyle I was up to 350 pounds or more, wearing moo-moo’s, being diagnosed with Diabetes, planning knee surgery for the ACL I tore going down the stairs because I was too big and my knees just couldn’t take it anymore and I was now also stressed out to think about where the money would come from to pay for any out of pocket costs for the surgery, as well as the added stress of having to go out on medical leave once again, only collecting 60% of my salary while on leave, not being able to pay all my bills and wondering if my job would finally get fed up with me, and try to look for a reason to fire me. In addition to needing to lose the extra 175 I already have on me, I realized I didn’t need the added emotional and physical stress that gaining another 20 or more would bring me. 

What a sobering train of thought. I don’t know what it is, but there is definitely something different about me this time around. I haven’t been perfect by any means, and after only 2 weeks, I have already had a slip up, but after 3 days of eating bad, yesterday I got back on the wagon. Today has been just as successful and as I pee out any water I have retained from eating bad, I am starting to feel good again.  This time around, there isn’t an option for me. The only recourse I have is to eat healthy and live healthy, or else, there won’t be a second chance. This time around, I realize that it’s a life or death situation. I have to do this now or I might not see my 40^th birthday in 3 years. And when I do turn 40, I want to be one of those HOT 40 year old babes with the Jillian Michaels arms and nice shapely, muscular legs and hot, tight abs and gluts.

It’s all in my power to turn my life around. It’s in my power to start living and stop dying. It’s in my conscience choice’s every day as to the kind of life I want to have. I want to have a happy, fulfilling active life. I want to LIVE! I don’t just want to survive, I want to THRIVE! I feel it! This time it’s going to happen for me and I can’t WAIT! This time I am not sitting wishing I could instantly transform from 333 (My current weight) to 175. This time around, I am actually excited for my transformational journey. I am excited to see how I feel at each step of the way and to see how I transform physically and as a person, mentally, emotionally, intelligently. I feel that this is indeed a journey and not just about the destination. A pilgrimage with many lessons to learned along the way. Something meaningful that I can share with others and use it to help others who are struggling like me to take their own personal journey of change and return to the land of the living, the happy, the active and the FREE and most of all, the BRAVE, because it takes a brave person to take the challenge to embark on such a journey. It takes a brave person to decide to change and break free from all they have even known, regardless of how unpleasant it  has been for them, it takes a brave person to make a decision to change and stick with it!

 Today, although still so very sad and heartbroken over the loss of my little dog Sampson, I am so happy and excited for the prospect of the future that I am currently creating . My life is changing everyday and it is so exciting to see.

I know that if I work hard for the rest of this week, Monday, when weigh day rolls around, I know I can still see a positive result on the scale. And if I don’t, that is ok too because the important thing is, I took control back of my life and if I don’t see the results this week, I know I will see them next week and many more weeks to come! 

Skinny, I hope you are ready for me, because HERE I COME!

P.S. As I finish re-reading this journal entry, I am listening to Pandora and the Song “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” mixed with “What a wonderful world”, is playing. It’s the version from the Guy named Israel 'IZ' Kamakawiwo'ole. He is the Hawaiian dude who was like 750 pounds and died in 1997 from obesity. It is so symbolic that this song should come on right now. The song itself is appropriate enough, but even more symbolic to me is the man who is singing it. I almost feel that Israel is taking to me from the grave! 

2011......My Lucky Number, my Lucky Year!

01/05/11

So, here we are, the New Year. 2011……How did we get here? Last time I looked, it was like 1980 something, especially when I am listening to Belinda Carlisle, Heaven is a place on earth…This makes me feel very 80’s. I still feel like the same person as I was back then, but I know I am so different in so many ways….But not necessarily for the better. There are so many ways I want to improve, but I get overwhelmed when I try to think of everything at once and when I try to fix everything at once. Right now, I just need to focus on getting healthy and losing weight. But I have to find a good balance, because sometimes, I end up focusing too much on my weight loss and food and the scale and it get’s so overwhelming that I end up driving myself crazy and not wanting anything to do with it and then want to eat.

So, Since Monday, January 3^rd, I have been “On the wagon.” I have eaten healthy for 2 days, and today, the 3^rd day, and it’s amazing how good to start to feel as soon as you stop eating all the sugar and the other crap that makes you feel lazy and lethargic and just generally unhealthy. As soon as I start to eat how I am right now, I begin to wonder, why do I ever start eating bad. I haven’t even lost any weight yet (It’s only been 2 days) but I feel so much better, so much more energetic and alive. Mentally and emotionally I feel better too, although not 100%, but I won’t until I start to lose some weight. The more weight I lose, the better I will feel mentally. For instance, a friend I haven’t seen since October wants to hang out this weekend and I really don’t want to see her, only because of my weight. I know I have gained a lot since I last saw her and I am embarrassed by what I look like. Maggie told me I have to overcome this and I know that she is right. If I hide, it will just make me want to hide more and more and more and then could make me go back to eating bad. It’s just a vicious cycle, I know.

I have been reading the book Over Eaters Anonymous, the 12 steps and traditions and I have to tell you, I have been able to identify so much with it that I can honestly say, I am a food addict. I have to work really hard to avoid eating the foods that bring me back to my compulsive behavior. I have to try to stay mentally healthy because there are certain situations and feelings I get that make me want to eat, so I think that by spending the last year and half journaling, I have identified most of these “red zone” situations and know how to try to avoid them. It’s a struggle, but I am not giving up. I know I can do this.

I long so much to be thin and fit and to feel good about myself. I want to go horseback riding and feel confident on the horse. I want to rollerblade and I would LOVE to go skiing again, I haven’t been in like 17 or 18 years. There are so many things I want to do, want to be and want to become. Why am I stealing my life away?

So, I read a story recently about a guy who was jailed for over 30 years for a crime he didn’t commit. Recent DNA evidence exonerated him. He was like 20 something when he was put away and now he is in his 50’s. I thought, how sad…..You only get one life and he had to spend his rotting away in jail. I mean, he could have a good 30 or 40 more years of life, but 30 years of his life just wasted away for something he didn’t even do…..An innocent man……Then it hit me! How is that any different than me? I struggled with my weight since I was a kid. I lost a lot of weight in Jr High School and pretty much kept it off. But in my Junior year of High School, I began to put it back on. By Sr. Year, I had myself up to 165 or 170 and I remember during a volleyball game, a kid Moo’d at me while I was serving. I remember feeling so humiliated by that (Our coach made us wear briefs and we were all uncomfortable in them). Well, I began to feel so mortified by my weight, instead of doing something about it, what did I do? I ran away from the problem. I quit the volleyball team and blamed it on back troubles. But I quit……I gave up. I ran away and hid and that was the first time my weight stopped me from living my life, from doing something I loved. That was in 1991 and although I didn’t give up everything to my weight right then and there, little by little each year, I gave something up because I was mentally uncomfortable about doing it. So, let’s say from 1991 to 2011, I have spent all that time not really living life to the fullest and I was a free woman to be able to do so, but I took my freedom for granted. I gave up 20 years of my life to food. Maybe I wasn’t in prison in the sense that we know it, but I was a prisoner to food and it held my life captive.  This man HAD to give up 30 years of his life, but I voluntarily handed my life over to food for 20 years. Isn’t that just as much of a waste of life? To me it is.

Well, 2011 is the year that I am going to exonerate myself. I am going to free myself of being the slave to food that I have been for the last 20 years. Of all the things I have tried to do to lose weight, all the things I have thought about and the stories I have heard, knowing that I was in poor health, nothing has impacted me the way hearing this story of this innocent man jailed for 30 years and making the connection to my life. When I think about it in terms of that, it makes me really want to stop the insanity and work really hard to get this weight off so I can have my life back. 2011 is the year for me…….I just realize, 11 is my favorite number. It was my number on my jersey when I played sports and it’s my lucky number……2011 is going to be my lucky year! I am going to make sure of that! Cheers to 2011!!!!

New Beginnings

Sometimes in life we just have to let go for a while and then begin again. I have been struggling with my weight for a long time now, but it has gotten really out of hand. I had achilles tendon surgery on June 4th to repair a torn tendon and although I managed to maintain my weight for about 2 months after surgery, I eventually began to pack on the pounds. When I had my surgery, I was 325. Today, I am 342. Mostly because I have been really depressed and eating out of anger, frustration, bordem, and some other things, but a major factor was simply not curbing my eating while I was out of commission and was not able to exercise. It lead me to feel depressed which lead me to eat more.


I am officially at my heaviest weight and I have never felt so unhappy. And when everything else in your life is going well, being unhappy because of your weight really really sucks!

But, it's a new year and time for a new beginning. It's time for me to write a new story that has a happy and successful ending.......That ending will be the one where I lose 175 pounds and can take my life back. If I don't take my life back, death is going to permanently take it from me. So here I go.....Time to do something good for myself, I deserve it!