I have struggled with my weight for the last 20 years and I have to do something about it. 2012 is the year I am going to do it. I have stolen my life away long enough. Now, I want it back! I will fight as hard as I need to in order to get ME back to the land of the living!
I haven't written in a while and I need to get back to regular blogging. I have been working so hard. 3 times a week I have been going to curves and I have been eating to well. But then I step on the scale and it's either the same or I am up.
Seeing this is extremely discouraging. I just don't know what to do anymore. "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." ~ Albert Einstein.
Well, this is exactly how I feel. I am eating right and exercising and I am not seeing results. So, what do I do? The only thing that is keeping me a little sane is that when I got my measurements taken at Curves, I had lost a total of 25" from when I began.
But, sadly, I did allow it to get to me. I had made a vow to spend every day at curves the two weeks before I left for Florida and make sure to eat really, really good. But I let frustration throw me off the wagon. I allowed myself license to eat. And boy, have I done a job at eating! It started last Thursday when going out with some friends for dinner and I had the garlic fillet with the butter mashed potatoes. The entire meal was drenched with butter. It was down hill from there. I ate all sorts of things from Friday to today, Tuesday. I started today off ok, but I missed lunch at work and ended up leaving a little bit early and I got Chik-Fil-a and the really sad part is, I didn't enjoy it all that much.
But sometime on Sunday, I started to feel really bad. And when I say bad, I mean bad physically and mentally. First off, I felt sluggish, I had a headache and felt really bloated. I was even a little sick to my stomach from everything I ate. I had that thing where my stomach feels so full and bloated, my breathing isn't even right. On top of that, mentally, I got into a very bad place. I felt angry and depressed and just felt really, really bad inside. I hate when I feel that way because it makes me want to eat even more. Then I get more depressed. It's just not a good place to be. Now, it's Tuesday and I haven't even gone to curves. I haven't been there since last Wednesday. It's really bad!
What am I going to do?? I just can't go on like this and sometimes I just feel like I totally want to let go. I feel so much despair and I am so frustrated!! I just want my life back, but I can't seem to get it back.
Sometimes I wish that I could be put away for a year. I would love to leave society and be locked up for a whole year and then come back thin and in control. Last night I was so down. I felt so sad. I felt out of control.
I have to find a way to change. I have to find a way to get my life back because emotionally I know I can't go on this and physically I know I can't either. I mean, I will die if I don't stop. Why can't I get my act together?
I have been trying to do this on my own, but I think I might need some help.
Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.~ Dale Carnegie
I know that much of the eating that I do is based on whatever emotional state I am experiencing at the time. Lately, I have felt down, stressed and overwhelmed by life. I can't exactly put my finger on what is causing me to feel this way, but I do know that feeling this way is a catalyst to make me want to eat.
Today I realized I have not been as dedicated to my daily interaction with keeping my thoughts positive like I have been. Keeping my thoughts set on the positive things in life definitely helps to keep me in a positive mood and mindset. When I am feeling positive, I am feeling good and happy and I feel like I can conquer the world.
So, I decided to really think about some of the things making me feel down, sad and stressed and realized that much of that stress is self-created. Things really aren't all that bad. It takes work everyday, but if you can keep your thoughts positive, you can keep yourself moving in a positive productive direction.
I know when I am feeling good about my life, I am feeling good about myself and that results in me wanting to eat right and exercise. Last Saturday I weighed in and I lost 4 pounds. That has made me feel so terrific! This weekend was a struggle, but because I allow myself too much license to eat. But I am back to eating well. This week, I feel I am doing great and I EXPECT another big loss on the scale. I know I can do this!
I can't wait until January 2011 to see the new ME!! No, I want to correct that....I can see the new me already. Now, I just have to make my outside shell reflect the person that I see and feel on the inside.
I want to share ME with the world! Here I come and I am smokin' HOT!
There is no such thing as easy days and hard days when you are trying to accomplish anything worth while. If it was easy, everyone would be successful. But there are days that are harder than others. It's the accomplishment of getting through those days victorious that help to really fuel my fire and keep me going for the long run.
I had a little bit of an emotional, feel bad about myself kind of day and even though I didn't eat 100% right yesterday, it wasn't because of my emotional state. It was because it was Valentine's day and I was allowing myself a little treat, and even at that, I didn't binge or anything.
If I can get through a day like I was having yesterday, I can make it through anything!
I was really good last week and felt like I was really back on my game and when I weighed in on Saturday morning, I had lost 4 pounds!!! I felt so happy and so good! I am going to repeat that success this week.
I actually am very excited about going to curves tonight. And I am hoping that this coming weekend in nice cause I really want to get out for a nice hike! I need to be outside and I need to sweat!!! ;-)
I really can't wait for the warm weather to start rolling in because I plan on spending a lot of time being active outdoors!
One of the most important things I have learned so far in my fight to lose weight is that the power of a positive attitude makes all the difference and that when you slip, it's so important to just forget, talk nice to yourself and move on and keep working hard. In all my experience at going to weight loss meetings like Weight Watchers, there isn't enough emphasis on the power of positive thinking and too much emphasis on talking about food. You need to talk about food, but I have found that many meetings, members spend a great deal of the meeting talking about how they failed or what product they found that is delicious and low in calories.
This is important, but I feel its more important to get people to learn how to think positively and speak and act as if they have already overcome their weight loss battles.
Whatever you vividly imagine, ardently desire, sincerely believe, and enthusiastically act upon... must inevitably come to pass! ~ Paul J. Meyer
I am a very big believer in positive self talk. I have had experience with telling myself how awful I was and putting myself down for struggling so much with my weight, but ultimately the outcome is not such a great one...It only resulted in me feeling worse about myself. So many times I have felt like a failure and here I am, still fat. So, that should be proof enough that self-deprecating words don't do anything but cause more damage to an already damaged emotional state......I mean, that is why I am fat isn't it? Because somewhere along the way, I was damaged emotionally and I ate my feelings?
When I look back over my life, during the most sad and painful period of my life, the time where I had the least respect for myself and no self confidence, is the time when I really began to pack on the pounds. I think partially it was because I was too nice and let people walk all over me. I was a doormat for so many people. I was so unhappy.
I am a much happier person now; I have confidence and respect for myself.......but then why am I still fat?
I know why......It's because I am still hurting somewhere deep inside. Just because I have moved on and have worked hard to live a happier, more positive life doesn't mean there isn't still hurt and/or pain inside that causes me to lack the drive and motivation to really want to shed this cocoon that I am hiding in.
Intelligently, I feel as if I do want to change very much.......I want to feel good and healthy and athletic. I don't want to live in this body anymore. I don't want to feel the way I am feeling anymore. If I could run a million miles away right now, I would. So my question to myself is this.......Why can't all these feelings I am having be enough to fire me up to just work hard to shed this weight? I have been struggling the last 2 weeks and I just started this new journey, I mean, I have been trying to lose weight for years, but this new journey of wanting to lose 150 pounds by 01/14/2011 just started about 3 weeks ago and for two weeks I have been really really struggling!! WHY??? I keep asking myself what is the problem? What can I do to adjust my attitude?
Every morning I wake up and I feel so excited and motivated....But as the day goes on, I somehow lose something. By the end of the day, I feel like I just don't care anymore and I lose motivation to keep working hard. I have to get back to curves, as I haven't been there in a week. I am going to go tonight and maybe that will help me get back on track.
But, looking at the bigger picture, I have to try to figure out what is going on in my head. What factors are causing me to not WANT to stick to my healthy eating plan? Well, I think I know....I think I have a lot going on in my head.......Work, family, relationship and friendship issues. Too many things to think about. Plus, I am always putting so much pressure on myself to think of something else to do with my life aside from my current occupation because I am not content with it anymore. I know there is something better out there for me but I just can't find it. That is a constant source of frustration for me......I just want to get up every day and do something that fulfills me. I know that I want to work with people. I want to help people to have the best life they possibly can and I want to help others be happy. This would be totally and completely satisfying for me. But the question is, how do I get there? I have lots of work to do on me before this could happen.
Yesterday I had a realization about something. I was watching a video of a musical group Angel Band, that Maggie and I want to go see. And as I was watching them singing, all I could think was....How did I get where I am now? I am so far off course from where I originally wanted to be. I was a music performance major in college and all I ever wanted to do was sing. I always had this big dream that one day I was going to be a superstar!
After I graduated college and began working, I knew that working in business was NOT what I wanted to do, but I realized that music didn't really pay unless you made it big, so at about 25 years old, I went back to school for computer programming and web design. My plan so seem so clear to me at the time. I would become a programmer and make really good money and I would use this money to buy great music equipment and pay for studio time so I could make my demo record so that I could send it out to all the major music studio and become discovered.
Sounds good enough......But what happened? Why didn't I ever make it there? Well, I got so involved in computers and business for those two years that I was in school and work, that I FORGOT that I was really a musician and not a business woman. I lost sight of my dream and my path was lost. I should have left myself some breadcrumbs so I remembered how to get back to where I was going, but somehow, I missed my turn and ended up taking a totally different path.
Watching those women sing on the video, all I could think was, "That is suppose to me....why aren't I doing that?"
To me, realizing my HUGE off course mistake, I realize the HUGE importance of a vision board. It is so important to write down your goals and put them on your vision board and look at them every day so you remember the things that are so important to you. That way, you can't get off course.
It may be too late for my music career, but it's not too late for me to get back on track with my weight. But somehow, I keep getting lost.....I keep getting off track. So, where is my vision board? Well, since we moved in October, it's been hiding behind some boxes in the garage. Not good at all!!
I NEED to get back to my vision board. I NEED to make sure that my weight loss goal is the MAIN THEME on my board and I NEED to look at it EVERYDAY to remind myself of where I am going so I can remember how to get there.
When you have a goal, it can't just be a passive idea in your life that you verbalize once or twice to yourself or your friends, but rather, HAS to be something that IS WHAT DEFINES YOU! LIVE, EAT, SLEEP and BREATH that goal until it comes to pass!
Part of my problem is that there are too many things that I want to accomplish and I try to think about it all at once. I drive myself crazy. But I think I am going to try something new. One of my High School teachers wrote something in my yearbook that I will never forget....He wrote, "Concentrate and specialize." At the time I had no idea what he was talking about. I looked at him like he was crazy. It happened to be my chorus teacher who wrote that.
Now, I know exactly what he meant by that. In High School, I was involved in many activities.....I was in Band, Jazz Band, Marching Band, Orchestra, Chorus and Pop Ensemble as well as, I played a sport every season, Volleyball, Softball, Basketball and Field Hockey. Looking back, I don't even know how I had time for all of it. But I loved all of it. The problem was, when you have so many things you are involved in, it's hard to give each one your full attention. It was like I was a jack of all trades, master of none. If I had specialized and focused on just one, two or three of those activities, maybe I could have become a master in just one of them. Instead, I was all over the place.
Well, now is the time for me to concentrate and specialize. Right now, my focus HAS to be losing weight, getting in shape and getting healthy. I can worry about starting my business and writing my book after January 14th 2011.
I CAN DO THIS AND I WILL DO THIS!!
I will continue my positive self talk and when I get home, I am going to pull out my vision board. Maybe I need to create a new one.
I have not written in a few days and I probably should have been. It would have helped me mentally with all that I have been going through. Which really has not been anything too awful. I have just been feeling down about losing my cat, since today is only a week since she is gone. Last weekend the weather was bad and combined with that and losing my Misty, I made all kinds of excuses to eat. I wrote on Monday that I was going to start eating better TODAY, but TODAY never happened. I continued to find a way to make excuses on Monday to continue eating bad. On Tuesday I made efforts to eat better. I got through breakfast and lunch, but dinner was a disaster. The rest of the week pretty much followed suit.
The other problem was, I kept making an effort to get to Curves but somehow, that never happened either. Since I joined in November, this is the first week I totally blew off and that scared me! I can't fall into that very bad h abit of not going.
I was really lazy and I was the master of excuses this week......and for those of you who know me, you all know there is nothing I hate more than EXCUSES!!!! I have no tolerance for them!! They are just words we use to help us justify a bad decision we made so that we don't feel guilty about it! They aren't real....Just WORDS, WORDS, WORDS, NOISE, NOISE,NOISE!! I am hard on others who make excuses, so I am going to be hard on myself!! I am not going to degrade myself. I am going to pick myself up, dust myself off and start on a clean slate, but I am not going to tell myself that it's ok, cause it's NOT!!!! And it's certainly NOT ok if I really want to achieve my goal! There is no room in my goal for excuses!!!!
This week really was not successful for me and my inclination today, Friday, is to say, "Well, I blew it this week, why don't I finish it out with a bang?" Let me give myself one last reward and enjoy something Yum Yum!!
But as I think this, it hits me......There really is no enjoyment anymore in the Yum Yum......After I eat something Yummy, I feel full, bloated, lethargic, unhealthy, sluggish, unattractive, sleepy, unmotivated, useless, unsuccessful and I feel really, really bad.......So, what kind of a reward is that? So, for 5-10 minutes of something yummy tasting, am I really willing to make myself feel so bad in the long run? NOOOOO!!!
The true reward for me is, eating something Yum Yum, but healthy, cause that does exist! The true reward is feeling energized and healthy, successful and not feeling bloated, or sick or fat. I wrote a blog not too long ago about how good I felt.....I felt thin as I walked down the halls at work. I felt good, happy, full of energy. The truth was, I wasn't really thinner, but the eating healthy and working out had helped me lose the bloated, sluggish, gross, fat feeling and gave me an better feeling so that I could stay motivated to keep working hard...towards my TRUE REWARD!
The true reward is knowing that I have control of all my choices and knowing that I made the choice to be strong and work hard toward a goal that I deserve to give me the best life ever!!!
The true reward is going to curves and walking out, with sweat dripping from my face and all over my shirt, making it saturated on my back and chest! The true reward is feeling my heart rate increase and breathing heavy and feeling strong and accomplished as I do it!
These are the true rewards that last a life time and are more important than the 5 or 10 minute pleasure party that I have indulged in for the last 15 years that has taken away my life. Eating healthy and working out 3 times a week for 30 minutes is the right recipe for a lifetime of healthy, happiness, success and feeling good!!
Give yourself the true reward you deserve starting NOW!!!!
I haven't written in a few days, something I would like to avoid in the future, as writing is very cathartic for me.
On Friday, January 29th, I found my cat in a seemly distressed situation. Her breathing was labored and she looked dazed and seemed like at some point during the day, she had some kind of bloody discharge from her nose. Long story short, I ended up having to put her down as the vet said she was in congestive heart failure.
Well, knowing that I am an emotional eater, I should have prepared myself, but my grief got the best of me. To top this off, when we left the Vet Friday night, it had stated snowing, a long awaited and predicted snow store that we were getting hit with here in the South. Well, on Saturday, between my sadness and the storm, I went out to the store and bought lot's of junk food. Ice Cream, donuts, pizza rolls and God knows what else. I felt sick by the end of the night. Then, Sunday, I went out and bought more. I ate much of it yesterday, but I do still have food left over today.
So, then I ask myself, Since I can't fix what I did Saturday and Sunday, regardless of the fact that I still have food left, am I going to get back on track today, stop making excuses and just get back on the wagon? How will I overcome all the food that I still have in the house.
My goal was to lose 3.5 pounds per week. Well, last week was my second weight in and I totally blew it. I stayed the same.......Now, this weekend, I was REALLY REALLY bad and I can't even imagine what the scale is going to read when I step on next Saturday. I know I can't let that deter me. I have to work even harder. I know it may not be 3.5 pounds, but if I pull it together today, maybe I can at least show some kind of loss.
It's all up to me. The power is in my hands and my hands alone. How much does this mean to me? How much do I want this.
Yesterday, I went to see Xanadu the musical and I was really concerned with fitting in the seat. Well, I worried for nothing because I fit totally fine. The seats were actually very comfortable. But, I still felt self conscience cause the friend I went with is more on the thinner side and I felt like my leg was spilling over to her seat a little. I know my leg was touching her's and I was a little embarrassed about that.
But the way I feel after an experience like that should be just want I need to keep my butt motivated to eat right and exercise.
I know I have to find my motivation from within. I go back to that quote I was sent from a friend regarding will power. It basically states, that it's not whether or not you have will power, but rather how strong your will to WANT TO CHANGE!
I DO WANT TO CHANGE. I want the life back that I gave up. I also know that I need to get my visual motivation back......My vision board. Since I moved, I haven't used it. Also, I use to have my weight loss board. It was a piece of foam board and I created a roadmap on it, it was all the days of the month and each day I have a nice stamp that says, "You Did It" when I made it through the day successfully and when I didn't, I used a big black X!!
I need to begin using tools like that to keep me mentally motivated.
I am 100% convinced that the most important factor in being successful in weigh loss is your attitude. If your mindset is not in the right place, you won't make the right choices. I don't think enough weight loss center focus enough on keeping a positive, motivated attitude. I need to make sure to keep mine in check!!
I don't have much to say today, except for some reason I feel FABULOUS today! I was just walking down the hall to go to the bathroom and I felt so exhilarated and confident and felt it was easy to walk with my head held high. I usually make a point to always walk tall and confident, but sometimes I really have to work at it. Today, it came to natural to me and I realized part of the feeling was that I felt thin today. Funny thing because physically, I am not yet thin, but I feel good, I feel healthy, I felt light on my feet. I feel like I am on my way to reaching my goal!
Each morning and each night, I read aloud a list of positive affirmations. They say it takes 21 days to make something a habit, so for 30 days, I am going to continue to read these same affirmations over and over until I convince myself that they are true. I think it's beginning to work already. I know it probably sounds silly, but for some reason I feel good. Maybe it's my clothes and maybe it just simply the effect of Positive Thinking and working hard to eat right and exercise.
I'm choosing the latter! This is why keeping your thoughts positive is so so very important. If you are not saying positive affirmations each day, you definitely need to begin!
"Today I am going to overcome all my food related challenges"
"I am beautiful and talented"
"I am healthy and happy"
"Today I have an excess of energy".......and so on and so forth! ;-)
"You must begin to think of yourself as becoming the person you want to be." ~David Viscott
I am still working very hard toward my weight loss goals. I am reading over my goal every morning to refresh it in my mind and I am also reading my positive affirmations every morning as well. My goal is read them at night too, but I haven't been as good with that, as I am usually very tired at night and I have been going right to sleep, but I think I will put a note on my alarm clock to remind myself to read my affirmations. I know they are helping and they definitely help me continue to feel confident and excited about my goal.
When I weighed in on Friday, I lost 4.2 pounds. My goal was to lose 3.5, so I did better than expected. But, the weekend was a tough one. I ate out twice on Friday and then twice on Saturday and Sunday I laid around all day and I didn't have a square meal. I kind of snacked all day, which wasn't good at all. At least I had that 3 mile hike on Saturday, but I know I ate more calories than I should have.
Normally, I would be so angry at myself and telling myself how stupid I am for not working harder to be better, but that doesn't accomplish anything. It just makes me feel worse. So, instead, this time I told myself that I am human and humans make mistakes. I told myself to forget about it and move on. Dwelling on it isn't going to change what I did. But what it will do is keep it fresh in my mind and make me mad at myself, which in turn will cause me to eat emotionally out of control. So, I put on my big girl panties and Monday morning I got right back with the program. I ate great and I went to curves last night and burned 668 calories!!
I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS!
I do have a challenge coming up.....and it isn't really a food challenge, but rather a mental challenge and a pride challenge. A friend of mine asked me to go with her to see a musical at a local theater. I want to go so bad, but I almost said no because I am nervous that I might not fit in the seat. I hope that isn't the case, but I am a little scared about it because of my recent incident at the Hockey game......I did not fit in the seat at all....But neither did my friend who was with me who is like a 100 pounds lighter than me, so I think for some reason the seats in that section are smaller, but it really made me self conscience about other seats. Well, I am excited about the show, but inside, I have this feeling of dread that I am going to get there, go to sit down and not fit. Sadly, this takes away from the excitement of the evening. I would be so humiliated in front of my friend if that happened. So much to the point, that I am not sure I would be able to look her in the eye again. But I am trying to get past that. I also called the theater to ask how wide their seats are. Hoping the answer will calm me a little.
So, strangely, I welcome challenges like this in my life. These are the moments that make you so uncomfortable that youknow you HAVE to change! Without these moments in life, what would be your motivation to want to change and be more healthy? You would fall into a comfort zone and when you have a 150 pounds to lose, you should NEVER feel in a comfort zone or you will lose your motivation. So, although I am nervous about it, I welcome this. It is also a huge motivation to keep me eating healthy this week and getting my butt to Curves!
It's all good! I feel motivated, I feel strong! I feel successful and I feel confident!
"Instead of giving myself reasons why I can't, I give myself reasons why I can." ~ Unknown Author
So, I know I can do this and I want to win this fight so very bad, but just because I made my mind up not to whine and complain didn't mean that this was going to be easy.
Today, I am feeling blue and that is never a good combination when you are trying to lose weight. But instead of doing anything productive today, I chose to sit around and watch TV all day. Another thing that is not good when you are trying to stay motivated to lose weight. I know that I have to keep busy to keep my mind off food.
The good news is, I hiked 3 miles yesterday. My Achilles tendon is screaming today, but at least I met my goal this weekend.
This is not easy, it's never going to be easy, but I know I can do it!!
"The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in a person's determination." Tommy Lasorda
I try to live in a constant state of mind to keep a positive outlook on my life and the world around me. As we all know, being human, this is sometimes difficult. It is especially difficult for when I feel I am unsuccessful at my weight loss efforts. I get so down and discouraged and sometimes want to give up so bad. Sometimes I just feel that I want to be locked in a room for the next year and just have someone feed me bread and water through a slot in the door.
When I feel this way, it makes it very difficult for me to keep my positive attitude and stay on my plan. Usually what happens is, I get angry and all pissed off at the world, I cry and then I hit a drive-thru somewhere and completely go off the deep end by ordering enough food for a family of four.
Of course, this doesn’t make me feel better, it only makes me feel worse and I continue to beat myself up and tell myself how awful I am and how I will never succeed in this weight loss battle. I spend the evening moping and feeling miserable and I tell myself what a horrible failure I am. But inevitably, something always happens to make me realize how silly and ridiculous I am acting and I somehow find the strength and motivation to go on again and continue to fight the good fight.
Today, I had an amazing experience with a new co-worker who I haven’t had the good fortune to get to know very well until today at the water cooler. You hear about people’s water cooler stories all the time, but until today, I have never had one of my own.
Our conversation started out pretty casual and plain and somehow migrated to her telling me about her two sons and how they both were afflicted with a type degenerative muscle disorder and was told by doctors that they would not live past the age of 3. They are about 2 or 3 years apart, so I imagine having a toddler with this fatal diagnosis while you give birth to another child born with the same horrible disease must be extremely taxing on a person’s soul. My co-worker spoke of how challenging it was, but at the same time she spoke with extreme joy over how grateful she was so say that they had both outlived the predicted impending fate of the doctors, one of her boys now being 19 and the other one 21. And I noticed the sheer pride in her eyes, mixed slightly with a tear when she spoke of how, even though both sons were imprisoned in a motorized wheelchair and had very little, if any use of their extremities, had strong wills and motivation, as one was currently a computer science major and the older son, previously the valedictorian of his undergrad class, was now in pursuit of his Master Degree in Physics.
I stood there in awe as I listened to her speak and of her sons accomplishments, despite what I consider to be a major life obstacle! If anyone had a reason to come up with a million excuses as to why they could not succeed in life, it is these two boys.
And even as amazing, my co-worker told mehow difficult her life has been in caring for these two boys, while her and her husband both needed to work in order to subsidize all their medical needs, while still having to provide for their family just like any of us. But in the midst of all this, my co-worker overcame her own challenges, and although she dedicated an exorbitant amount of time caring for her boys while working full time, still found a way to fulfill her dream of continuing her education. Her dream was to become a University English professor, which she did successfully for many years, until she realized she wanted to spend more time writing, which is how she came to work at the same company as I.
But even more amazing than the fact that she worked hard to continue her education, was that she didn’t just stop at a BA, or her MA, but she worked all the way to earning her PhD!
All this while working full time and talking care of two boys confined to a wheelchair and could not even brush their own teeth.
The story of this amazingly strong woman and her courage and motivation and that of her boys’ despite all their obstacles has really touched me in a way that I have never been touched before.
After hearing this story, I know that there is NOTHING that I can’t achieve! There is NOTHING that I can’t do. When I think of her story and think about all my ridiculous antics surround my weight loss, I am so ashamed at myself. I have the strength to do this. If she has the courage and strength to accomplish all she has in her life and if her boys have the same courage, strength and motivation, surely I can be successful at accomplishing a little thing like weight loss. Surely, a piece of cake or a couple of little pieces of chocolate or a Big Mac and fries are not powerful enough forces to really knock me off my feet and throw me off course! I know I am stronger than that!
I am grateful for my hour with her this morning because although maybe it’s a bit dramatic to say that she has changed my life, I almost want to say in all seriousness that she has. It is so easy to get caught up in the trivial concerns that are life, some really are big but many of the things we get upset over, really are small. Like the story I have of another co-worker, who brought cup cakes into work and got extremely upset over the fact that the person who took the last cupcake didn’t put the lid back on the container. Really? Are these the things that should really be of concern to us? Are these things in life that really matter that we should be wasting a second of our time dwelling on and being mad about?
But I know that after talking to her and knowing that there are many others out there who have great hurdles to overcome and are successful at overcoming them, it gives me great confidence in knowing that I am no different and although my struggles may not be as big as some others, they are still struggles that I need to learn to overcome and prevail over to prepare me for bigger struggles ahead so that I can have more success in my life. I always say, the bigger the hurdle, the bigger the success, but if you can’t get over the small hurdles, you will never come face to face with the big hurdles.
I know I can do anything. The idea of meeting my weight loss goal of 3.5 pounds a week is something I am going to continue to work hard at and I know it will be a breeze, but most importantly, I have learned not to make a mountain out of a mole hill, that even if I fail one week by not making my goal, it’s not the end of the world. I just need to pick myself up, dust myself off and keep going! No tears and no self deprecating talk anymore; it’s really not that serious! This is small in the scheme of many things in life and so I am just going to put on my big girl panties and DO IT!
So, I am at work right now and just went to the break room to make myself a cup of Green Tea. Well, a group of people came along and almost trampled me and I didn't realize why until I got into the break room......there was food GALORE! A big meeting just let out and all the leftover food is in there. Well, I did look over the selection, but I was a good girl and moved on to get my tea.
But it just struck me so funny how obsessed people get about food. And there were probably mostly skinny people in there and very few if any (Besides me) fat people. We really do live in a society completely centered around food. It was like being in the middle of a wild animal stampede. People were hovering all over the food and people were rushing in to grab the food before it was gone.
The way people were acting about the food you would think they haven't eaten in a month. I just had a good laugh for myself and thought, "No wonder why people in this country have a weight problem." Look at the emphasis we put on food. 2 months ago, I would have been right there along with them, but I just want this so bad for myself and I realize there is always an excuse or an occasion to eat and at some point I just have to draw the line and say NO! I was tempted because there were amazing looking chocolate chip cookies, but what stopped me was my germaphobia issues.....thank God for it!!
I looked at the food and just pictured all these people touching it with their dirty hands and then putting it back to pick up a different one. Then I thought about the fact that the food sat in a room all day with people I don't even know and all their germs that could have been floating around in the air, landing on the food. Then I pictured all the additional germs it picked up by sitting in the break room from all the people currently hovering over it. I was pretty grossed out and so it was easy to pass it right by.
On my way back to my desk, I saw the HR Director and she and another lady who were headed to the break room. They looked at me and said all excitely, "Did you get anything to eat? There's great stuff in there. Better get it before it's gone!" I just smiled and said. "Yes, looks good." Then I laughed and thought once again to myself, what funny creatures we are.
We have an abundance of food...We can pretty much have anything we want whenever we want it, but look how crazed we get still over food. I know this is something that is very deep rooted in me and I guess many others. Food has played a major role in my life. It was the main focus on holidays and having a big family, it was the main event at many family get togethers and always used as a way to celebrate. Life was always centered around food. So, my challenge for myself is learning how to break that pattern and say, "Ok, so there is food.....big deal."
I am working on it. I don't know if that will ever go away, but I can sure as hell try. I can at least learn to get it under control. It really isn't an option for me at this point.....Just one more thing that I HAVE to do to give myself the life I deserve!
These are the days that make it difficult for me to want to stick to my weight loss goals. I am feeling really emotional right now about something that has happened at work and it is making me feel like F@%K IT! I just need to eat.....I am trying to figure out why I want to turn to food when I feel like this?
Why don't I instead have the urge to run 10 times around the block, or go to the gym and break into a dripping sweat.....No, instead, Visions of Bic Macs and Donuts are dancing in my head.
I want to go get food and bring it back home and hide away from the world and be mad, angry, sad or whatever I am feeling, all alone....Just me and my Nacho Cheese Chalupa, 2 Mexi-melts and cinnamon twists. WHAT IS THIS? What makes me feel this way? I mean, I know why I feel this way, but why is this my instant reaction the moment that I am feeling stressed out by life? intelligently, I know that eating isn't going to make it all go away. I mean, for the moment I think it does, but when I am done, I know I will still be stressed, but then my stress will be filled with feelings of remorse for eating the things I did, followed by thoughts and feelings of, "I am not good enough." or "I don't deserve to be happy, healthy, thin."
Well, I am happy to say that I am having some sort of break-through right now because even though I am feeling upset by today's events and I want to stop at every drive-tru on the way home and just eat my way through the evening, I am not going to do that!
I made a commitment to myself and for 15 years, I have let myself down. I am done disappointing myself. I know that there is something better for me out there than this "job" I come to everyday, but I truly believe I won't find it until I find myself. I bought a little book for myself and I have written down my long-term goal, my short-term goal and my plan for achieving my short-term goal, which in turn, will directly result in me achieving my long term goal. I am going to read it over every morning to remind myself and I also have a page full of positive affirmations that I am going to say every morning when I first wake up and every night before I go to sleep.
So, to recap the goal I set yesterday; To lose 150 pounds by January 14th 2011. In order for me to achieve that goal, I have to lose 3.5 pounds a week for the next 52 weeks and I HAVE to go to curves a minimum of 3 days a week and I have an extra goal set to hike each weekend at least 2 miles.
I am not going to get to that goal by eating and stuffing my face with all sorts of "bad" foods in an effort to self-medicate. Instead, I am going home, getting in my workout clothes and going right out to Curves to do my 30 minute work out, where I will easily burn 550 calories or more.
One of my favorite people at Curves, Ruth, will be there tonight and she always has a way of making me feel good about myself and motivating me to work hard. That is what I really need right now. Someone to remind me how awesome I am because my boss just tore me to shreds and stripped me of every piece of dignity I had left in me. Funny how people do that....Funny what other people's egos can do to our own egos.......But that is a different blog for a different time.
Right now is the time for me to pick myself up, dust myself off and not base all my self-worth on what my boss, who hardly knows me and is not involved in my day to day work, has to say about me.
Chinese Proverb, "Fall down 7 times, stand up 8." That is one of my favorite quotes! So simple, but it's so easy to stay on the ground when you feel you have been knocked down. But today, I am not staying down! I want this too badly to give up! I am standing back up.
And by letting myself get derailed by someone like her is giving her a lot of control over my life, now isn't it? And we all know, the only person that has control over my life is ME!!!! NO ONE ELSE!
My blog is entitled, "The First Day", even though today isn't anywhere close to being the first day. It is probably more like, the 3,650th day.
I was thin and athletic in High School and one fine day, I decided to let go of everything in my life that mattered to me. I gave up on life and myself and over a 15 year period, I proceeded to gain a total of 175 pounds. I began at about 145 pounds, so you can do the math.
I have tried to lose weight over and over and for some reason, I always end up giving up.....on my diet and on myself. I have been a member of weight watchers more times than I care to remember. I have heard so many people say that diets don't work. I think they are right....Diets don't work because the word "Diet" suggests a temporary state of presence. One of the reasons I have always been allured by weight watchers is because they have taught me about how to eat for life. They have taught me that this is a way of life. They don't believe in temporary solutions.
But let me not get ahead of myself. This blog is not about weight watchers or any diet plan. This is about me making a promise to myself to commit to a healthy way of life. It's not just about eating less calories. This is about eating more healthy foods and exercising. This is about being heart healthy. This is about being mentally healthy again.
I took my life away. Now I am going to give it back. Then, I can get back to being the girl I once was. The girl who had a voracious hunger for life and adventure. I am living in the shell of someone who is dead, but somewhere inside, that girl who had so much energy for life is in there somewhere, alive and full of zeal! Over the next 12 months, I will dig and work hard to find her and bring her back to life again!
I can't wait to remember what it is like to be alive!
To begin this journey, I have already taken some critical steps. My eating habits are a struggle for me every single day. I know what is right and wrong to eat, but I don't always have the willpower to do the right thing. But I am trying very hard. A friend of mine once shared this quote with me, "It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not." ~ James Gordon
This hit me like a ton of bricks!How badly do I really want to change my life? I want it bad! That is why back on November 5th, 2009, I decided not only to work on eating more healthy, but I decided to strive for a more active lifestyle as well. I joined curves! That was a turning point for me. I have been going 3 times a week for a little over 2 months. And so far I lost 7 lbs and 14". to me this is a success because this was over the holidays when I normally would have gained 10 lbs for more. But I know now that because the holidays are over, I can lose a lot more than just 7 pounds in 2 months. I am striving for at least 3.5 pounds a week.
I am on my way. But I know that there will be struggles along the way. But ultimately, I know that I CAN do this! I can do anything I put my mind to! In the words of Nike; "Just Do It!"
Dale Carnegie, one of the most amazing motivational speakers that has ever lived, has put something amazing into my head that helps me get through each day. Because although I want to lose 150 pounds, I can't look at the big picture, as it is too scary. He has taught me to, "Live in day tight compartments." I will live for today and will make no more excuses. My new way of life starts (Continues) today! There is NO TOMORROW! Tomorrow never comes. And "Someday" is the 8th day of the week, which also never comes!
I have to do it for TODAY and today only!
So, here I go. Today, I officially begin my quest for a healthier way of life and I begin my journey to shed this "coat of armor" that is holding me back and preventing me from living my life. The count down begins. 361 days from today, I will have lost 150 pounds!
