Positive Self Talk

I am a very big believer in positive self talk. I have had experience with telling myself how awful I was and putting myself down for struggling so much with my weight, but ultimately the outcome is not such a great one...It only resulted in me feeling worse about myself. So many times I have felt like a failure and here I am, still fat. So, that should be proof enough that self-deprecating words don't do anything but cause more damage to an already damaged emotional state......I mean, that is why I am fat isn't it? Because somewhere along the way, I was damaged emotionally and I ate my feelings?

When I look back over my life, during the most sad and painful period of my life, the time where I had the least respect for myself and no self confidence, is the time when I really began to pack on the pounds. I think partially it was because I was too nice and let people walk all over me. I was a doormat for so many people. I was so unhappy.

I am a much happier person now; I have confidence and respect for myself.......but then why am I still fat?

I know why......It's because I am still hurting somewhere deep inside. Just because I have moved on and have worked hard to live a happier, more positive life doesn't mean there isn't still hurt and/or pain inside that causes me to lack the drive and motivation to really want to shed this cocoon that I am hiding in.

Intelligently, I feel as if I do want to change very much.......I want to feel good and healthy and athletic. I don't want to live in this body anymore. I don't want to feel the way I am feeling anymore. If I could run a million miles away right now, I would. So my question to myself is this.......Why can't all these feelings I am having be enough to fire me up to just work hard to shed this weight? I have been struggling the last 2 weeks and I just started this new journey, I mean, I have been trying to lose weight for years, but this new journey of wanting to lose 150 pounds by 01/14/2011 just started about 3 weeks ago and for two weeks I have been really really struggling!!  WHY??? I keep asking myself what is the problem? What can I do to adjust my attitude?

Every morning I wake up and I feel so excited and motivated....But as the day goes on, I somehow lose something. By the end of the day, I feel like I just don't care anymore and I lose motivation to keep working hard. I have to get back to curves, as I haven't been there in a week. I am going to go tonight and maybe that will help me get back on track.

But, looking at the bigger picture, I have to try to figure out what is going on in my head. What factors are causing me to not WANT to stick to my healthy eating plan? Well, I think I know....I think I have a lot going on in my head.......Work, family, relationship and friendship issues. Too many things to think about. Plus, I am always putting so much pressure on myself to think of something else to do with my life aside from my current occupation because I am not content with it anymore. I know there is something better out there for me but I just can't find it. That is a constant source of frustration for me......I just want to get up every day and do something that fulfills me. I know that I want to work with people. I want to help people to have the best life they possibly can and I want to help others be happy. This would be totally and completely satisfying for me. But the question is, how do I get there? I have lots of work to do on me before this could happen.

Yesterday I had a realization about something. I was watching a video of a musical group Angel Band, that Maggie and I want to go see. And as I was watching them singing, all I could think was....How did I get where I am now? I am so far off course from where I originally wanted to be. I was a music performance major in college and all I ever wanted to do was sing. I always had this big dream that one day I was going to be a superstar! 

After I graduated college and began working, I knew that working in business was NOT what I wanted to do, but I realized that music didn't really pay unless you made it big, so at about 25 years old, I went back to school for computer programming and web design. My plan so seem so clear to me at the time. I would become a programmer and make really good money and I would use this money to buy great music equipment and pay for studio time so I could make my demo record so that I could send it out to all the major music studio and become discovered. 

Sounds good enough......But what happened? Why didn't I ever make it there? Well, I got so involved in computers and business for those two years that I was in school and work, that I FORGOT that I was really a musician and not a business woman. I lost sight of my dream and my path was lost. I should have left myself some breadcrumbs so I remembered how to get back to where I was going, but somehow, I missed my turn and ended up taking a totally different path. 

Watching those women sing on the video, all I could think was, "That is suppose to me....why aren't I doing that?"

To me, realizing my HUGE off course mistake, I realize the HUGE importance of a vision board. It is so important to write down your goals and put them on your vision board and look at them every day so you remember the things that are so important to you. That way, you can't get off course. 

It may be too late for my music career, but it's not too late for me to get back on track with my weight. But somehow, I keep getting lost.....I keep getting off track. So, where is my vision board? Well, since we moved in October, it's been hiding behind some boxes in the garage. Not good at all!!

I NEED to get back to my vision board. I NEED to make sure that my weight loss goal is the MAIN THEME on my board and I NEED to look at it EVERYDAY to remind myself of where I am going so I can remember how to get there.

When you have a goal, it can't just be a passive idea in your life that you verbalize once or twice to yourself or your friends, but rather, HAS to be something that IS WHAT DEFINES YOU! LIVE, EAT, SLEEP and BREATH that goal until it comes to pass!

Part of my problem is that there are too many things that I want to accomplish and I try to think about it all at once. I drive myself crazy. But I think I am going to try something new. One of my High School teachers wrote something in my yearbook that I will never forget....He wrote, "Concentrate and specialize."  At the time I had no idea what he was talking about. I looked at him like he was crazy. It happened to be my chorus teacher who wrote that. 

Now, I know exactly what he meant by that. In High School, I was involved in many activities.....I was in Band, Jazz Band, Marching Band, Orchestra, Chorus and Pop Ensemble as well as, I played a sport every season, Volleyball, Softball, Basketball and Field Hockey. Looking back, I don't even know how I had time for all of it. But I loved all of it. The problem was, when you have so many things you are involved in, it's hard to give each one your full attention. It was like I was a jack of all trades, master of none. If I had specialized and focused on just one, two or three of those activities, maybe I could have become a master in just one of them. Instead, I was all over the place. 

Well, now is the time for me to concentrate and specialize. Right now, my focus HAS to be losing weight, getting in shape and getting healthy. I can worry about starting my business and writing my book after January 14th 2011.

I CAN DO THIS AND I WILL DO THIS!!

I will continue my positive self talk and when I get home, I am going to pull out my vision board. Maybe I need to create a new one.