When I think about that, It makes me sick that I have allowed myself to stay in the 300's for 4 years. I fluctuated from about 240-290 from the years of 2000- 2007, way too long to be that weight, but I just could never get it together. But I am no longer letting myself look back........Where was I? Oh yes, I was at 313 in April of 2010 and looking forward to getting those last 13 pounds off so I could once again say I was 200 and something. Not a weight I am proud of, but necessary to get there so I can get back to 100 and something. The last time I weighed in the 100's was my 1st and 2nd year of college. It was all down hill from there.
But once again, I digress. Anyway, I made it to 313 and then I tore my achilles tendon. That put me out of commission for the rest of April and all of May while I waited for my surgery date to arrive. I couldn't exercise and mentally, I wasn't strong. I was so upset by this and so scared to have surgery. I was scared of gaining weight and I tried to keep it off, but my mental struggle was so much harder to deal with that by the time June 4th rolled around, I had gotten back up to 325. Because of my weight, the doctors were nervous about putting me under anesthesia, and so I couldn't have my surgery at the out patient surgery center. They wanted me at a hospital where they had the equipment to bring me back if I happened to flatline during the procedure.
Scary thought to say the least. You would have thought that would have shook me into reality, and it did......For a while, but like everything I have ever tried to use for motivation, it wore off. Because I was about to spend the next 2 weeks almost completely bed bound, I was so scared about bulking up, so after first, I tried to be real careful of what I was eating. I think I was doing ok, but I couldn't get on a scale to see because I was non-weight bearing on my one leg for a total of 4 weeks. Week 5 I was allowed to begin putting some pressure on my foot with the use of crutches and by week 6 I was allowed to walk in the boot, fully weight bearing, but was not allowed to walk on it without the boot, so still, I stayed off the scale. But somewhere around 5 - 6 weeks, I began to slip and knew mentally, I was very stressed and began eating anything I wanted. I think for the first few weeks, I did ok, as my body didn't feel any bulkier or heavier. But somewhere around week 8, I got on the scale and I had gained 15 pounds. So, now that put me at 340. SCARY!!!!! That did wake me up for a week or two, but eventually I went back to eating bad.
From then to the holidays, I went back and forth between eating bad and dieting, eating bad and dieting on and off, on and off. I started not to feel good. I was tired, lethargic, bloated, and not sleeping well. But I kept going up and down. In the fall, I needed a few new pairs of jeans, as 3 pairs of my old comfy jeans, all developed holes that made the unacceptable to wear to work. So, I headed out to The Avenue to get a few more pairs. My old jeans were a 26 petite and so I grabbed a few 26 petites and headed to the dressing room. Well, to my surprise and misfortune, they didn't fit......NOT EVEN CLOSE! I guess at that point, I was back up to 340. I was distraught, but I pulled up my big girl panties and headed out to get the next size up......a 28 petite. But imagine my displeasure when I could only find ONE pair of 28 petites. I knew I needed more than one pair. Well, right then and there, I knew I had to do something and I realized that I must have stretched out my old jeans, which explained why they still fit.
I finally found one pair of 26 petites that seemed to fit because they were a different cut than the others, but they were tight. I ended up searching, searching and found 2 more pairs of jeans, 26, that I could zipper, although I couldn't breath and I had a major muffin top!
But I knew I had no choice. I bought the one pair that fit and 2 others that really didn't and promised myself I would work really hard and be in those jeans with in 2 or 3 weeks.
And I did. I worked hard. I still couldn't do much physically, but I really worked hard on eating right. But it was very short lived. I only wore 1 pair of the really tight jeans. One pair I was never able to get it and still they remain, in my closet with the tags on them. I believe I got myself back down to 325, but as the holiday season (Halloween, Thanksgiving & Christmas) came and went, I found myself getting heavier and heavier again. Then one morning, I put on one of the tight jeans that once fit, but all of a sudden did not. Forget zippering them......I couldn't even button them. Infact, I couldn't even get the button and whole closer than an inch, my belly seemed to swollen. I knew I was in trouble with 2 pairs of jeans, one that fit (The 28) and one that was tight (26) which must have stretched out faster than the other pair of 26's. I was beside myself.
I managed to get through the holidays and January 1st, I set out on a new commitment to myself to get fit. When I weighed in to kick off my new life, I topped the scales at 347. VERY SCARY! That really shook me back into reality. I knew I couldn't go on like that!!! Hitting 350 was completely UNACCEPTABLE!!
I started off strong and in two weeks I lost 11 pounds, but then anyone who follows my blog knows, I got derailed when very unexpectedly, my dog got sick and died. It took me 2 weeks to recover from that. I gained back a lot of the weight, getting me back to 342, but I got back on the horse and I here I am today, down to 330! I am not much thinner than when I bought those really tight fitting jeans, but something told me to try them again this morning.
I thought, there is no way they are going to fit and if they do, I will be so uncomfortable in them all day. But I tried anyway. Well, I am so happy to say that not only did they fit and I could button them with no problems, they feel looser than they ever did. They are not giving me a muffin top and I feel comfortable sitting in them at my desk. I guess part of the reason they were so far from fitting a few months ago was because not only had I gained a lot, I probably had myself to bloated.
Everyday I need to look for ways to stay motivated. I learned that feeling good is not always enough. I need to renew that motivation every day. Sometimes that is hard, but today was exceptionally easy. I feel so good in my jeans, better than I have in a long time, how could I not stay motivated to work hard to keep this momentum going?
Working out in my yard all weekend long helped to keep me motivated too because I did so much physical work and wasn't all that tired, but felt totally energized really helps to keep me feeling motivated too. When I am working hard and being physical, I can almost get a glimpse of the fit athlete I once was. That feeling is so fantastic to me. I can't wait to get all my weight off again and know 100% what it feels like again to feel athletic and alive once again! I know that day isn't very far off!! I will keep working hard until I achieve that goal! I HAVE to, failing is not an option!
- Achievement seems to be connected with action. Successful men and women keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don't quit.~ Conrad Hilton
****The above photo was taken in my spring garden! I have such a passion for photography! If you would like to see more, and would like to purchase some beautiful photography, please visit my photo site at: http://peakdigitalphoto.smugmug.com/
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