Maybe that is a huge drive for me to want to lose weight. Maybe I feel that not many people, especially at work, like or respect me. I have trouble figuring out if it's my weight, the people I work with or just me, whether I am fat or thin. I will tell you that I do work with a large population of young girls who are extremely into their appearance. I am 10-15 years older than many of them. There aren't many people my own age in my dept. so I am not exactly the person these younger girls seek out to invite out to lunch. And although they are never mean to me in anyway, I just know that I am not on the top of their lists, and I usually write it off to being older and fatter.
But I do want to be accepted. I want to be respected. I always see in my mind how things will be when I am 150 pounds lighter. I see people seeking me out more and I see people a little more popular and better respected at work. I don't know if that is going to be the case, but I have hopes. And then I realize that maybe I don't really care, as I hope not to be working here too much longer and I dream of working with other professionals that are like me and closer to my age. Maybe even a few older co-workers that I can continue to learn from and who are open to being a mentor to me would be a great option too.
Aside from the insecurity that being overweight brings me and the bad feelings that often accompany that, I now have the extra sadness of feeling like an outcast at work, something that is new to me since I came to this job almost 2 years ago. I have always been well liked where ever I have worked and have always had friends at work, but still, that brings me no comfort day to day.
But as I sit here and think about all these feelings of sadness, insecurity, feeling like an outcast, luckily a voice of reason pipes in and says, "You can't judge your worth on your weight or what these people at work think of you. You have to judge your worth on the person that you are, the integrity you live your life with and the way you treat others, and last but not least, you have to live with an attitude of gratitude and not one of defeat."
This is true. I have special people in my life who love me fat or thin, young or old and my worth is not defined by what my boss of my young co-workers think of me, and come to think of it, none of them have really taken the time to get to know who I am as a person. Except for one or two co-workers, I haven't had anymore interaction than a "Hi" as we pass in the hallway, or the interaction of an occasional email to discuss business. To me, if they are judging me on my age and my weight, then that is a reflection of the type of shallow person they are and is in reality no reflection at all on me. I know my heart and I know I am a good person, with good intentions, and I know I am smart and hardworking and I also know that my heart is filled with gratitude.
Although sometimes I get down and feel sad about certain aspects of my life, mostly my struggle with my weight, I can quickly change my mindset over to one of thankfulness. Because although I am not exactly the weight I want to be just yet, I know that is coming soon. And in the meantime, I have an awesome life.
I have a wonderful family, even if I don't always talk to my brothers as often as I would like, I know they care about me and I know that no matter what, they are always there for me if I needed them. I have great friends, and feel fortunate to have met a handful of really good friends since I have moved to North Carolina 3 years ago. 3 friends in particular have become such close friends to me in a short 2 year span and I just feel so lucky to have them in my life. And of course, I have a wonderful significant other who loves me and cares for me so much, I couldn't ask for anything more.
Those are the big things. If anyone can say they have just one of those things, they are beyond rich. I have all 3 and I feel very fortunate. And then there are the smaller things in life, that I feel very thankful to have. A job that I can come to everyday and although at times I feel lonely at work, my pay is pretty sufficient to afford me a nice life. I have purchased a house, and I am so proud of that and realize how lucky I am to have a roof over my head, especially in this tumultuous economic time. I feel so fortunate to have a car that works just fine and it gets me from point A to point B. I have a warm bed at night. I have a love for photography and thanks to my job, I have been able to afford some mid-range photography equipment and I can partake in my passion and that makes me so happy.
I can go on and on, but the point of my blog today is to just remind everyone that although we all may have goals we are working on, we need to love our life today, we just as it is and we need to learn to find gratitude in every day living. For it doesn't matter how much money you have in the bank or how big your house is, and it doesn't matter how fancy your car is, or how expensive your wardrobe is, or how skinny you are. If you haven't learned to be grateful for the things that you have in your life now, when you accomplish your goals and when your dreams come to fruition, you won't be satisfied still because you haven't learned to appreciate what you already had, so how will you know how to appreciate what you get new in your life?
This is something I know I have to keep close to me as I travel on my weight loss journey. I know I can't say, "I will be happy when.........." Because with that attitude, when "When" arrives, you will already be on to the next "I'll be happy when."
Be happy now, be grateful for all you have, your health, your friends, a working body, your bed, your hairbrush (I am not even kidding. Some people don't have a hair brush), because gratitude brings happiness and happiness brings contentment (don't confuse content with complacent....two very different things).
Once you are content, you are at peace and certain things will become an automatic, like your health and well being.
So, everyday that I wake up, I am grateful. My weight is something I continue to work on and I will be happy when I am 150 pounds less and that is because I am already happy today! So today, I choose to be grateful for my life, and happiness comes automatically!
Happiness is not a matter of good fortune or worldly possessions. It’s a mental attitude. It comes from appreciating what we have, instead of being miserable about what we don’t have. It’s so simple – yet so hard for the human mind to comprehend. Unknown
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My mother always told me, if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all!