I Think I'm Pretty Intelligent!

I wasn't the best High School Student, and I wasn't even the smartest in college, although I did manage to graduate college with a 3.5 overall GPA, so I obviously did something right. And I do consider myself a pretty intelligent person since I am an Instructional Designer/eLearning developer for a living (For those who aren't familar with that discipline, it basically means I am a computer programmer for lack of a better explanation).

 So, since I think I am so smart, can someone please tell me why I can't seem to make the connection? And by connection, I mean, why can't I seem to get it through my thick skull that the more I put into my mouth, the more weight I am going to gain? Why can't I make the connection that when I eat Hot Wings, and Donuts and Cheese Doodles and other related crap, that I am not going to see a decrease in my weight on the scale.


Maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe it's not about intelligence at all, but maybe it's really all about emotion. And I think emotions are harder to control than intelligent thinking. When did I become such an emotional eater? When and how did I decide that I was going to trade my life for the company of food, because that is exactly what I have decided to do for the last 20 years. Although, it hasn't been this bad for the last 20 years. I began to gain 20 years ago, but it's been a severe problem for me for probably 10-12 of those 20. I could have gotten it under control many years ago when I only had 40, 50 or even 60 pounds to lose, but I remember being in that place thinking that was SO MUCH WEIGHT to lose and how am I going to lose it? I just found a picture of myself when I was about 20 and I remember thinking back then that I was SO FAT!

 I didn't want to be seen in a bathing suit and I didn't feel comfortable in shorts. But when I look back at the picture, I now see myself as thin. I think I was about 190 in that picture, which was too heavy for my height, but I was in no way fat the way I am today. And maybe if I had a different image of myself back then, I wouldn't have been so critical of myself. I wouldn't have thought I was so OBESE and I wouldn't have felt so bad about myself. Because, it's the feeling bad and the self hatred and the self depreciating thoughts that make me feel bad about myself and for some reason, which I still have not been able to figure out, I turn to food when I am sad. I turn to yummy, tasty foods that make me happy. The lesson I have yet to learn, regardless of how intelligent I am is, these foods aren't really making me happy, they are making me fat which is making me very sad. That is making me feel bad and unhappy. So, when I am feeling bad, what I really should do is take a walk around the block, grab my camera and go out and take some beautiful pictures. I need to work on finding other ways to bring happiness to myself when I am sad because turning to food is just not cutting it.

Not only did I eat bad all weekend, I encouraged Maggie to eat bad too, which wasn't right of me at all. I should be helping to support her. I know she wants to lose weight and I want her too so she can be healthy. But all I am doing is contributing to her weight gain and is that really what I want to be remembered for? No, not at all. I have so many reasons to lose weight, and no reasons to stay fat, but yet somehow when I am "on the hunt", food seems like my only friend, the only thing that will make me happy. But food is really my enemy camouflaged in a Dunkin' Donuts Boston Creme Disguise. 

I just have been so very sad since losing my Sampson. I miss him so much and I realize now that he is gone, how much happiness he brought me. I was on such a great path with my weight loss and losing him just put me in a tailspin I can't recover from. I need to though, because although his life is over, mine is not. Hopefully, I have many years to go and I want to enjoy my life. I love the outdoors! I love to hike, camp, kayak, swim as well as participate in team sports like Softball and volleyball. Their is actually a dodge ball team here and I would love to join, but I never would be cause of my weight. I love amusement parks, which I also haven't done in a while because of my weight. I have to stop allowing food to dictate my life. I have to take the controls and navigate my life to a happier place, which is one of health (physical and mental) and Fitness!!!!

I have to re-create my vision board and display it in a place where I can see it everyday so each morning I can remember all the reasons why I need to make the right choices today! As a start, on my blog today, I am posting a picture of a beautiful wooden kayak that I took a picture of while I was in Ocracoke last October. I hope to have my own kayak on day very soon! 

So, I will go back to my original thought of, "I think I am a pretty intelligent Person". So, if so, why do I allow food to win time and time again?

I am still not giving up! I am going to beat this! 175 pound......Here I come!!!!