Somewhere Over the Rainbow - There is a Wonderful World!

                                                                                                                               01/19/11

This blog today is dedicated to the memory of Sampson, my beloved Doggie! I will never forget you and will love you always!

It’s been a little more than 2 weeks since I re-motivated myself and renewed my commitment to myself to get healthy and fit. I had reached an all time high of 344 and that is just completely unacceptable. I was feeling so horrible, mentally, physically, emotionally and nothing fit except for sweats and a big old sweatshirt. I knew I needed to do something fast. Aside from wearing too tight clothes to work for a week and feeling just bad, on January 3^rd (Monday) I embarked on a healthy lifestyle of eating the right thing, in the right portions. In a few days, although not any thinner, I began to feel like a completely different person. I was sleeping better, not having acid reflux as I slept, had more energy during the day, slept better at night, felt a little less pain in my knees and my foot and I was motivated to keep going. The first week I weighed in, I lost 5 pounds. That motivated me to keep going. I didn’t even have any “cheat” days. The 2^nd week, I was feeling just as good. I was drinking lot’s of water and the only aspect I had yet to add was the activity. My knees just felt very vulnerable and I thought it would be better to get some weight off before I tax my knees more than they needed to be. But the 2^nd day into week 2 I ran into a problem. My 7 year old dog became very ill and had to go to the emergency vet. From Wednesday night to Saturday morning, his condition steeply declined and for Wednesday night, and Thursday and Friday, I was so upset and worried and scared I would lose him. On top of it, Friday was my Birthday and there was a party to be had (Well, we cancelled the party, but two close friends were still coming over to be withus) with lots of goods to eat, including a very delicious Ice Cream cake. A double whammy for someone who eats out of emotion, regardless of whether it’s celebratory eating or sadness eating. Eating is eating and it has the same outcome……FAT PRODUCTION!

It was hard, but I managed to control my eating on those days, even though my inclination was to eat out of control as comfort until I learned my dog was better and coming home. But sadly, that day didn’t come. My dog didn’t get better and he didn’t come home. On January 15^th 2011, at 10:30am, Sampson died due to complications associated with IMHA.  I was distraught. What was I going to do? I LOVED that dog almost more than life itself. He was my best friend, my constant companion. I know dogs don’t live forever, but I thought he would live more than 7 years. I just couldn’t believe my little black and tan dog with the floppy ears and tail was gone. It just wouldn’t sink in. And in true Debbie fashion, I turned to my other best friend….FOOD. I had decided that I was going to eat whatever I wanted for the rest of the day because poor old me had lost my dog and I deserved to eat whatever I wanted. So, instead of waiting until Monday morning to weigh in and see a gain from what I was about to do, I decided to weigh on Saturday, record my progress and go on my 1 day binge. Well, I am happy to report that in my second week, I lost 4 pounds, but, as it turns out, because of being upset over Sam, I didn’t eat anything all day which I realized at about 3pm that afternoon. I know at that point I did eat something, but to be honest, I have no recollection of what that was. I do know though that I did eat some left over ice cream cake, 2 cup cakes and some potato chips and dip and some cheese doodles. I don’t remember us going out to get anything. I am pretty sure I just ate what was in the house and as I remember, despite what I ate, I remember thinking that I am sure I didn’t surpass my daily caloric intake and any excess I took in, surely I burned it off with all the crying I did on Saturday.  

On Sunday, Maggie and I decided we should get out of the house and not spend the day inside, but I still decided that it was my right to eat what I wanted and that surely it wasn’t fair to take away my right to eat yummy food after just losing my most beloved dog. These are the area’s I have to learn how to control better. It’s not so much the decision to “eat bad” for the day, as is the aftermath of such an event. Because I am a self-identified food addict, I was trying to practicing abstinence for what I was calling a 30 day detox from sweets and “bad foods”. I was doing so well and this event just sent me toppling. We headed off for a day trip to Pilot Mountain, but first we stopped at Dunkin Donuts and I got a cream cheese bagel and two donuts, Boston Crème and a Jelly donut. I ate it all. For lunch, we stopped at Hardee’s and I had the a big burger with bacon & cheese and I also got fries. Of course I ate the burger in its entirety and I ate a good amount of Fries despite the fact that I didn’t like them. Why do I do that? Then, before we got on the road to head back home, we stopped at Mcdonald’s and in my grief, I justified a Vanilla cone. I almost ordered two apple pies, but I must be learning something because I decided that wasn’t a wise decision. All that time, with every bit I put in my mouth, all I could think about was how bad I was feeling prior to January 3^rd, emotionally, physically and mentally and how my clothes didn’t fit (And currently are very tight) and thought about how good I was feeling in just two weeks of feeding my body the ever efficient fuel it needed to burn to work at its optimal fat burning and calorie burning status. Even though I ate badly, I have to say that for the first time ever in my life, thinking of these things while thinking of eating bad did help me to eat a little less and helped me stay more conscience of what I was putting in my mouth.

After Sunday, I had full and complete intentions of returning to my healthy lifestyle, but it was Martin Luther King day, I was off from work and I was still grieving over Sam, so I gave myself another day to eat bad. The truth is, once I let myself loose like that, it is very hard for me to get myself back. But here is some good news. I made waffles for breakfast, which isn’t the worst thing in the world. I can’t for the life of me remember what I ate for lunch. I am thinking nothing, but I am sure that I snacked a little on some of the left over party goods, like cheese doodles and potato chips. But around 2 or so, Maggie and I talked about going food shopping. I asked her if she wanted to get Bo’s for lunch and of course, she said yes. But as I sat there, I realized that my body really didn’t want that. My mind was trying to convince myself that I wanted it because I was in the mindset that I was “Allowing” myself to eat bad, so I should, but in truth, I knew I didn’t want it, so why was I going to force myself to eat bad just because I gave myself the license to do so? I told Maggie I was going to go shopping and come home and have something healthy for dinner. She agreed she wanted to do the same. We set out with good intentions, but when we got to the food store, the Chinese restaurant in the shopping center, it just smelled so good and neither Maggie nor I could resist. After shopping, we went and ordered General Tso’s chicken. Delicious, but very fattening. Oh, I almost forgot to mention the fried rice I got with mine and the fried dumplings. Yum! But oh so bad. So, I tried, I was aware and I failed. But what was scaring me more than anything was the thought that in 3 days, I could completely wipe out any and all progress I made in the previous two weeks and I was so mad at myself. I worked so hard to lose 9 pounds. Was all this food really worth it? Was I enjoying it that much that it would be worth losing all the progress I had made? Was it worth it to go back to not fitting in my clothes and feeling even worse about myself than I had been feeling? The other thing that scared me was the thought of not being able to take the control back and eat healthy. What if it didn’t end after these three days? What if I kept eating out of control and I gained back the 9 pounds, plus much more. What if the next time I finally got the control back and “Re-commited” to my healthy lifestyle I was up to 350 pounds or more, wearing moo-moo’s, being diagnosed with Diabetes, planning knee surgery for the ACL I tore going down the stairs because I was too big and my knees just couldn’t take it anymore and I was now also stressed out to think about where the money would come from to pay for any out of pocket costs for the surgery, as well as the added stress of having to go out on medical leave once again, only collecting 60% of my salary while on leave, not being able to pay all my bills and wondering if my job would finally get fed up with me, and try to look for a reason to fire me. In addition to needing to lose the extra 175 I already have on me, I realized I didn’t need the added emotional and physical stress that gaining another 20 or more would bring me. 

What a sobering train of thought. I don’t know what it is, but there is definitely something different about me this time around. I haven’t been perfect by any means, and after only 2 weeks, I have already had a slip up, but after 3 days of eating bad, yesterday I got back on the wagon. Today has been just as successful and as I pee out any water I have retained from eating bad, I am starting to feel good again.  This time around, there isn’t an option for me. The only recourse I have is to eat healthy and live healthy, or else, there won’t be a second chance. This time around, I realize that it’s a life or death situation. I have to do this now or I might not see my 40^th birthday in 3 years. And when I do turn 40, I want to be one of those HOT 40 year old babes with the Jillian Michaels arms and nice shapely, muscular legs and hot, tight abs and gluts.

It’s all in my power to turn my life around. It’s in my power to start living and stop dying. It’s in my conscience choice’s every day as to the kind of life I want to have. I want to have a happy, fulfilling active life. I want to LIVE! I don’t just want to survive, I want to THRIVE! I feel it! This time it’s going to happen for me and I can’t WAIT! This time I am not sitting wishing I could instantly transform from 333 (My current weight) to 175. This time around, I am actually excited for my transformational journey. I am excited to see how I feel at each step of the way and to see how I transform physically and as a person, mentally, emotionally, intelligently. I feel that this is indeed a journey and not just about the destination. A pilgrimage with many lessons to learned along the way. Something meaningful that I can share with others and use it to help others who are struggling like me to take their own personal journey of change and return to the land of the living, the happy, the active and the FREE and most of all, the BRAVE, because it takes a brave person to take the challenge to embark on such a journey. It takes a brave person to decide to change and break free from all they have even known, regardless of how unpleasant it  has been for them, it takes a brave person to make a decision to change and stick with it!

 Today, although still so very sad and heartbroken over the loss of my little dog Sampson, I am so happy and excited for the prospect of the future that I am currently creating . My life is changing everyday and it is so exciting to see.

I know that if I work hard for the rest of this week, Monday, when weigh day rolls around, I know I can still see a positive result on the scale. And if I don’t, that is ok too because the important thing is, I took control back of my life and if I don’t see the results this week, I know I will see them next week and many more weeks to come! 

Skinny, I hope you are ready for me, because HERE I COME!

P.S. As I finish re-reading this journal entry, I am listening to Pandora and the Song “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” mixed with “What a wonderful world”, is playing. It’s the version from the Guy named Israel 'IZ' Kamakawiwo'ole. He is the Hawaiian dude who was like 750 pounds and died in 1997 from obesity. It is so symbolic that this song should come on right now. The song itself is appropriate enough, but even more symbolic to me is the man who is singing it. I almost feel that Israel is taking to me from the grave!